


A Study in Movement

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Apparently lmao, Bad Parenting, Ben is on the spectrum, Discusions of autism, Discussion of Past Abuse, Discussion of mental illness, Discussions of sex work, F/M, Fluff, How many ways can you have sex without having sex? Let's find out, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Mentions of past child abuse, Modern AU, Not as slow of a burn as I thought, Rey is thirsty, Reylo - Freeform, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sex Work, Smut, Stripper AU, UST, Unresolved Sexual Tension, again sooo much fluff, as always this is a character study of ben solo, how to not raise your autistic son, just expect smut now, lemon zest on everything, pro sex work, so much love, soft boi solo, very little angst, who is SOFT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-03-16 00:14:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13624485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: Rey is a 21 year old dance major working as a stripper and Ben is the 30 something year old investment banker who keeps coming in for private dances but won't let Rey touch him.Ben's on the spectrum, Rey is a ball of energy and thirsty af. Neither one knows what to do with the other but can't seem to let it go.Modern day stripper AU





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This amazing art was done by vanta-gold.tumblr.com and everything she does is absolutely stunning.

 

Ben Solo had never been to a strip club. He had never wanted to go to a strip club. He was sure he would hate it, it was the embodiment of all the things he hated. Sensory overload. Too loud, too bright, too intense. Too much touch. The last thing Ben wanted was to be touched by strangers, especially in front of other strangers. It was for all of these reasons (and plenty more) that he had turned down the offer to accompany his coworkers on multiple occasions.

First Order was a massive investment banking firm. They managed stock portfolios for the richest of the rich and the worst of the worst. Ben was very good at what he did. It involved numbers, patterns, analytical thinking from both sides of his brain, calculating the probability of certain events before they really took shape based on warning signs physical and immaterial and honestly he liked the work, but he hated the people. Ben wasn't overly fond of most people, all people really, but the people who worked at First Order were the worst of the worst.

Ben had turned down drinks every Friday for the last five years but somehow, tonight, Hux had managed to drag him out. The strip club he brought him too looked upstanding enough, but it was still overwhelming. The music was a living creature pulsing around him. It smelled like sweat and fried food and perfume, an assault on his senses. He had mastered the art of not visibly wincing, but it took energy to do so. Most people thought Ben was a dick, and in all fairness he was, but it wasn't out of meanness or spite. He just had no filter when it came to saying what was on his mind and he didn't tend to find peoples jokes funny. Usually they just didn't make sense. This made him come off impersonal and dickish and he had stopped caring about it a long time ago.

Mitaka clapped a hand to his back and Ben fought the urge to pull away as he was led to a small round table near the stage.

"Let Solo sit front and center," Hux said, a cruel smiling playing in a pasty face that naturally lent itself to sneering distastefully. "I don't think he's ever seen a real woman naked."

Ben heard a few of the other men snicker. He didn't care. If watching women dance naked was such a testament to manhood, why could anyone just walk in and pay money to do it? It had nothing to do with personal value.

Ben sat, stiff and awkward in the chair while a deep base line came through the speakers. No one was on stage yet, but the pole was waiting, just a few feet from his face, and the sight of it made him nervous. He hated everything about this place. He disliked sitting still too, and he kept finding his hands moving without his consent and he knew he probably looked ridiculous and he was about to stand up and just LEAVE when the lights got even lower and the song changed, a women was walking out onto the stage.

She didn't look the way he imagined a stripper would. For one thing, she was small chested, and Ben had always assumed huge fake tits were a prerequisite for strippers. She also wasn't blonde, wasn't even wearing a wig, she had brown hair that she had pulled up in a messy bun, long pieces escaping. He watched her as she came up and circled the pole. The music was trashy and pop-y but it worked for the way she moved her body. Suddenly the girl singing was asking "are you ready for it" and then base was much lower she was climbing, fast movements that made her body surge up to the top of the pole, then she was spinning slowly, ankle hooked and knee wide and magnificent, a backbend in mid air. It was not what Ben thought stripping was at all, it was dancing, really dancing. Her body was remarkable where it arched. She had no bra or top on but she kept on black underwear, when she twisted back her tits almost disappeared. Ben felt his breath hitch.He was still overly aware of everyone else around him, and of his own body, and of the club itself but he was finding it easier to focus on her than he thought he would. He figured he would be trying not to make eye contact with whoever ended up on that pole, but now he couldn't look away.

The song ended and Ben was brought back to earth by Hux slapping his arm.  
"Like what you see Solo?" There was a dare in the words but Ben had no idea what he was supposed to do next. He didn't have time to think about it, Hux was waving a $100 bill and pointing at him. The girl walked over.  
To the girl he said, "My friend here needs a dance, he's rather taken with you," and to Ben he said, "Don't touch her, you'll get us kicked out."

The girl was smiling down at him, this was bad. A lap dance was bad, the last thing he wanted was someone touching him.

"Oh no, please," he said.  
"Oh don't be such a pussy Ben, just take the damn dance," Hux snapped. And the girl paused for a moment, unsure. She clearly wanted the money, her eyes kept darting to the bill. Ben didn't say anything, Hux shoved the money toward her and with a smile like honey she began to sway to the music. He could have told her no, he could have been firm, not given a shit about denying her the money, why hadn't he said anything? Why had he just froze? She wasn't quite touching him yet, she turned around so her ass was hovering above his knee, his legs spread so she could stand over one leg, and he got why Hux had bothered to tell even him not to touch. He could see how it would be tempting. She bent lower and her crotch and ass brushed against his knee and Ben winced, this was terrible. He had no idea how someone could get off on this, all of these other people watching. She turned to face him and his eyes snagged on her little tits before finding her face and he felt his anxiety soften, she really was beautiful.  
Now she was grinding on his leg, hands rubbing her tits. Her fingers tweaked a nipple. He kept his eyes on her tits, that had to be the more acceptable response for the given situation, right? Everything was weird. She smelled good, better when she wasn't directly touching him, and by the time the song had ended he had decided it wasn't the worst three minutes of his life, although it hadn't been exactly pleasant.

He risked another look at her face, she was looking at him with a curious expression, soft and open and now he felt his heart speed up slightly. She touched his face gently and he didn't flinch, thank god, just felt the place where her skin was on his tingle like pinpricks.

"Thanks," he said, because shouldn't you thank someone who has just performed a service? She smiled wide and said "My pleasure," before hopping off. She was British, it threw him off for long enough that when he snapped back she was heading backstage. His face still tingled where she had touched him.

____________________

Rey hadn't planned on being a stripper. She had received a scholarship to San Francisco State University and with it a student visa and while she had been lucky enough to have some of her school costs covered, there was a huge gap she still had to pay out of pocket, plus rent in San Francisco was ridiculous. She had picked up shifts as a barista and a server the first few years she was in school, but shortly after her 20th birthday one of her friends had convinced her to do an amateur night and she was shocked to find out she LOVED it.

Rey had studied dance seriously in primary school and now in college. Her major was in performance arts, and she took every dance class available to her, as well as theater and voice. She was also minoring in journalism, which was part of why she wanted to study in San Francisco specifically. It was a great school for both studies, in such a wonderfully progressive city.

Stripping afforded her a lifestyle she never thought she would be able to attain. On a good night, she pulled in close to a thousand dollars. She had some dull nights too, but she was lucky enough to work at Rebel Girls and that meant high class clientele from the financial district. Rey had worked a brief stint a Club called Jakkof's run by a man named Unkar Plutt, it had been disgusting and a good night brought her about $80 bucks. Now it was rare she had any night under $200.

  
She had been able to move from East Oakland into the city proper, and had a room with some friends in Richmond district. It wasn't exactly the heart of the city, but her room, which was smallish and had windows on three sides, had a view of golden gate bridge that was breathtaking.

Rey liked dancing and she liked performing and even if stripping wasn't exactly the theater it was exhilarating and at a place like Rebel Girls she knew she was safe. She was a vocal advocate for sex workers rights and she was happy to do the work that she did. She got judged for it constantly, so she tended to keep it quiet when she should but not out of shame in the slightest, just out of safety.

Friday nights were usually busy, the standard mix bag of suits and wedding ring tan lines. They all started to blur together after a while, nameless semi attractive dudes in suits. Occasionally she had the tech bros, polo shirts and khaki shorts and watches that cost as much as her rent for a year. Better than the scum she had dealt with in the tenderloin, they payed much better and almost always played by the rules.

Rey was sure that this particular Friday was going to be exactly the same as it always was, and in all fairness the routine hadn't varied. She saw the same group of bank bros she always saw on Friday, led by the pasty red head, but they had someone else with them tonight. She probably wouldn't have thought anything of him, even if men were objectively attractive she had a hard time being attracted to anyone who came to watch her. Hypocritical? Maybe, but mostly just a self defense thing. Better to stay objective in this line of work. She was, after all, at work. So she probably wouldn't have paid much attention to the broad man, dark hair like an ink stain, if it hadn't been for his eyes. He looked horrified, really just like he would rather be anywhere else. She had hesitated in giving him the dance in the first place because he seemed genuinely freaked out, but $100 was a huge boost and he hadn't said no, just looked at her expectantly. She had tried not to touch him too much, every time she did he just tensed up and she might have backed off completely if not for the look her gave her. She had never seen someone with all of their emotions just swimming in their eyes. He looked anxious and mesmerized and lost and Rey had liked that look, she liked it a lot. More than the hungry looks customers usually gave her, hands inching closer and teeth bared. Everything about him made her want to touch him, to provoke some response, to loosen him up. He stayed stiff and still the whole time, hardly meeting her eyes after that. He must know everything was always flashing in those eyes. The song ended and she waited, she could have just skipped off but he spoke and he thanked her and it was so sweet she had to touch his face. And then she was gone, and good thing because that was....unsettling. Rey was not supposed to be that into anyone she was dancing for and with how much he seemed ready to bolt the entire time, she was likely never going to see him again.

"Hey girl, you okay?" It was Paige Tico, one of the other dancers.  
"Yeah! Sorry, lost in thought," Rey said, standing up and stretching.  
"Lets go, it's a long night."

When Rey looked back out at the crowd, he was gone. The rest of the group remained, looking menacing and hungry as ever.

  
Rey kept thinking about the mystery Bank Bro all weekend. She had no idea why he kept flashing through her mind and it was late Monday night when she had just finished convincing herself to let it go, yet again. It might have really worked that time too, except she came out and heard Ms. Holdo, the club manager, calling to her.  
"Daisy, you have a request for a private room."

Rey tried not to flinch, private rooms made her a lot more money but it meant being fully naked letting the dude jerk off the whole time. Even at a club as upstanding as Rebel Girl, rules were bent in the private rooms, even if there was strict security and cameras rolling.

Rey turned to see who she would be spending the next 30 minutes dancing for, and she froze. It was him. She felt herself smile for real.  
"Follow me," she said, and she turned to walk back down the hall.  
She could hear him shuffling behind her, and tried to get her heart to slow down. She was a little excited about watching this dude jerk off, and that was very, very new to her.

She led him into a small room, clean and white with a pole on a small circular pedestal and a bench to sit and watch from. She was in a school girl outfit, plaid skirt and white shirt over black booty shorts and a black lacy bra.

"Have a seat please...."  
"Ben," he said, "and you're Daisy."  
She smiled but didn't deny it, she wanted to hear him say her name in the same low voice but it was against the rules.

"Anything in particular you wanna see tonight Ben?" She asked, flipping through and iPod plugged in to the corner.

"Yes," he said and she looked up at with a smile. She didn't peg him as the assertive type but he seemed very sure of himself now.  
"You're a dancer," he said.  
"Sure," she said with a little giggle, "I mean that's what all the girls say, stripper doesn't have the same ring."  
"No no," Ben said, he was so large, his suit made him look dangerous somehow but his eyes were still wide and soft. "You misunderstand me, I know you're a stripper, but I meant you have classical training too, don't you?"  
Rey was thrown off.  
"Yes, I study dance," she said.  
He looked pleased.  
"I want to see you dance, really dance. You can pick what you dance to. You don't have to get naked, and I don't want you to touch me."

Okay.

This was not at all what Rey had expected. She had to keep herself from laughing.  
"You're serious?" She asked, unsure.  
"As long as you're okay with it, if not then I understand and I'll still pay you and leave."

"No! I'm just, surprised is all. This isn't- I don't usually get to- yeah okay just sit down." She was smiling as she flipped through the iPod.

She put on Slacks by St. South, it was moody and low and not something you couldn't really strip to. Too emotional. She started to move, twisting her body to the music, a loose combination with all of the long lines of classic ballet with the swift and jerking motion of modern. Her leg came up straight alongside her head, the skirt pooling around her waist as she spun on one foot. She watched Ben watch her, he was so still, lost in her motions. She pulled her leg out at a 90 degree angle and bent forward, stretching her body before lunging back. She used all of the space in the room to spin and twist, and god she loved it. She never got to dance like this for other people, and it was strange that this seemed so much more intimate and personal than getting naked for someone.

The song ended and she stood to catch her breath. Ben didn't speak.  
"We have time for more, if you want," she said. He just nodded and she went to select another song, and decided to queue up a few. The first was Work Song by Hozier. She used the pole for balance as she came up onto the toes of one foot and let her other leg bend to drag her toes along her calf on the way up and out. She used her arm strength for leverage and pulled herself up onto the pole, leg still out and spun softly. When she came back down she dropped to the floor in a serious of dramatic and intense moves that had no place in the back room of a strip club. She danced through this song and the next, eventually stopping to take off the skirt and the shirt.  
"It makes it easier to move like this, is that okay?" She was standing in just her underwear. Ben nodded wordlessly, encouragingly.

The final song came on, River by Bishop Briggs and this was something she could strip to if she wanted to but she decided to just dance as if she were alone in a studio, none of the control of ballet of even stripping, just loose and wild movements, her heart slamming in her body as she slammed down to the floor and rose spectacularly onto her toes, propelling her body upward. It was the most fun she had ever had at work. The song ended and Rey swore that Ben must be able to hear her heart slamming into her ribs. She was red and sweaty and glowing.

"Was that good?" She asked, breathless.  
Ben just nodded, and stood up slowly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out three crisp $100 bills. Rey's eyes went wide.  
"Oh you don't have to give me that much," she started, and she had no idea why. Just take the money.  
"Please, I want to." He said. She nodded wordlessly. He turned to walk to the door.  
"Ben!" She said, and he turned to look at her.  
"Come back soon."  
Ben's eyes narrowed suspiciously but he nodded and closed the door behind him.

Rey was left alone with the pounding of her heart and a strange sense of sadness.

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is all more setup really, I promise there's real plot coming next chapter!

 

"I can't believe you're still talking about this dude," Paige said, grabbing a box of cereal down from the cabinet. She was still in her pajamas even though it was past 5pm. Being a stripper meant keeping odd hours, but it was a perfect roommate situation for Rey.  
"I know, trust me. But Paige it's so weird, he doesn't want me to get naked, he doesn't want me to touch him. He just likes to watch me dance."  
"I mean, I guess it's cute? I'm just always nervous about the clients you know. I've been doing this for almost five years and I've met people I thought were chill who turned out to be major creeps. Falling for a client is never a good idea babe."  
"I'm not...falling. I'm just...intrigued. It's interesting. I cannot get a read on him at all Paige, and I'm usually so good about it."

Just then the door to their house opened and footsteps slammed up the stairs. Rose and Finn came into the living room. The house was old and typical for the Richmond, they had the upper level and the living room had giant bay windows overlooking golden gate park.

"Cereal for dinner again?" Rose asked, wrinkling her nose.  
"Excuse you," Paige said, "for some people it's breakfast time."  
Rose shook her head and threw herself down into the large squishy couch.  
"How was work?" Rey asked. Both Rose and her boyfriend Finn worked at Java Beach Cafe, a busy spot in the Sunset that catered to college kids and beach bums.  
"Long! But okay, the usual madness."  
Rey helped herself to a bowl of cereal. Both she and Paige had work tonight, Wednesday's were not busy nights at the club, but Rey could usually still bring in a few hundred bucks if she was lucky.

It sucked it to be on such an opposite schedule from most of her friends, and she was endlessly thankful she had Paige with her in the trenches. She couldn't help wondering if she would see Ben again tonight. She tried not to get her hopes up. She kept picturing him as he watched her, broad shoulders hunched forward, rapt with attention, eyes huge and worshipful. Being watched was something Rey enjoyed when she was performing for a crowd, but private rooms has always been a little too intense for her, people got carried away when there was no audience there to behave in front of. But not Ben. Dancing for him had been wonderful, she wished she had more space to use so she could really show him what she could do.

She thought about him as she finished her cereal and went back to pick out the underwear she wanted to wear that night. She decided on blood red booty shorts and solid red bra. It would stand out against her pale skin. She could pick her outfit when she got to work, but she knew if he came in she wouldn't keep it on. She already had a playlist lined up on the off chance he came to watch her. God she was being stupid. Rey had rules for work.

One: Don't ask for more than a client was giving. She didn't like to be the one to instigate touching.  
Two: Never tell anyone her real name. For safety above all else.  
Three: Even if a dude was hot, this was work. She equated it to a doctor being into a patient, it was wildly inappropriate and so far a moot point.  
Four: Don't do anything to let a client believe that the relationship was more than professional. A lot of girls acted SUPER into a client in order to milk them  
for all they had. Rey was professional, she was good at her job, and then the job was over.  
Five: Don't take work home. Daisy was a stripper. Rey was a person.

She could feel herself bending all of these rules in her head already and it scared her.

"You almost ready? Bus is here in 5!" Paige yelled from her room.

"Yeah I'm coming!" Rey threw a plain black dress on and grabbed her jean jacket and backpack.  
"Let's go."

Wednesday was slow as expected. Rey danced on the main stage for a handful of people, tech dudes fresh out of work and drinking before going home. She couldn't help but keep her eyes on the door. Once 9pm rolled around she was beginning to resign herself to not seeing him tonight, or ever, and she was trying to quash the wave of sadness that thought brought. Maybe it was for the best.

_______________________

  
Ben had been hovering around outside of Rebel Girls for almost an hour, trying to work up the courage to go inside. He felt like a colossal creep. He didn't want this girl to think he was obsessed with her, he had already behaved weirdly enough. He was sure that she was used to guys coming in and fawning all over her, drooling and jerking off and leaving. He had no interest in being that sort of person. He was enamored with her in a way he had never been enamored with anyone. Watching her dance had been a highlight for him, one of the best 30 minutes of his life so far. He was pathetic. He groaned and tugged on his hair. Either go in, or leave. He steeled himself and walked through the door.

  
He saw her right away, she was on stage, in unbuttoned daisy dukes and a red bra. She was beautiful, shaking her hips and ass for a group of men who looked positively ravenous. Ben felt a surprising flash of jealousy and bit it back. He had no right to this girl, he probably didn't even know her real name. He debated leaving anyway, but then she caught his eye and he saw her smile, she looked delighted. Then again why wouldn't she? He had paid her far more than he was sure he had to, and he had wanted to, but it made sense why she would be eager to see him when he turned out his pockets for her. She kept her eyes on him as she finished dancing, ignoring the men in front of her. Ben felt his heart surge. Her song finished and she bounced over to him.  
"I was hoping to see you." She said, so forward he had no response, just looked down at her.  
"Do you wanna?" She gestured back to the private rooms. When he still didn't say anything he face fell and she said, "Or you can just watch up here! Or whatever, I didn't mean to assume." She was blushing. Ben smiled.  
"No, I'd like to see you, if you're okay with it."

Daisy nodded enthusiastically and took  
his hand to lead him back. He pulled it out of her grip immediately and she gave him a curious look before shrugging and leading him into the same room he had been in a few days ago.

"So, what did you have in mind?" She asked, hand on her hip.

"Same thing, if you're okay with it." He said, sitting down on the vinyl bench.  
"More than! You have no idea how fun it is to get to dance for real." She was fiddling with the iPod again.

The music started, soft and sorrowful and Daisy shimmied out of her shorts. It wasn't a stripper move, just her hastily getting comfortable enough to dance and it struck Ben as both intimate and adorable. He felt himself shudder.

She straightened her back and held her legs together, feet facing away from each other, then she was bending low and rising to spin. This was true ballet, every line long and straight, her turns were tight and impressive. Ben wondered if she had more room if she could leap across the space holding the splits, she was so good. There was something so calming about her dance. Everything in Ben's life was taxing, all of it took intense emotional energy, everything was always turned up to 100 and something as simple as having a conversation was enough to make him need a nap. But watching Daisy dance was like a shot of adrenaline. He could spend a hundred years watching her and he wouldn't need to sleep, wouldn't need to do anything. She was like lightening, like the ocean, something powerful and mysterious and dangerous. He couldn't look away. She danced to song after song, style varying depending on the music. Sometimes strict ballet, but often a combination of ballet, hip hop and modern. She could move her body in mesmerizing ways. It looked like she had been edited to move in fast motion, and then slow, the control she had over her muscles was impressive. At some point, she took her hair down so it spun around her head when she moved and Ben pictured grabbing it, running his fingers through it and was surprised to find that he wanted to, wanted to badly. Touch was always something to be avoided, and if not avoided then politely tolerated but never desired. He didn't know what to do with the realization.

She had stopped spinning, the music was off, he realized he had just been staring at her. Shit how long had he been doing that?  
"You're amazing," he told her without  
meaning to. Shit.

Daisy blushed furiously, it was adorable. He pulled out another $300.  
"Honestly, you don't have to give me that much."  
Ben was confused, he remembered the way she had stared at the $100 Hux had waved at her.  
"Please," he said.  
She took it from him, and leaned in close.  
"Dancing for you is the most fun I ever have at work. I want you to keep coming back and I'm worried you won't if I clean you out."  
"I'm very rich," Ben said, because it was the truth. "Honestly, it doesn't matter. You should have it, please."

Daisy looked confused, but she had a sly  
smile on her face and she chuckled before saying, "Okay, as long as you promise you'll come back."  
Ben felt his heart pounding in his chest.  
"I promise."

 

  
Ben went home that night and couldn't sleep. He felt like his body was on fire. He had too much energy, too much everything building up inside of him.

When he was a child, he used to have tantrums. The desire to slam his fists into things when the world became too  
much had never really left him, but he had developed a sense of right and wrong when it came to destructive behavior. Now, he ran six days a week. He went to the gym most days after work. He boxed, he lifted weights, he did cardio. Anything to get some of that energy out. Otherwise existing was overwhelming. Sometimes Ben felt absolutely nothing, and sometimes he felt everything all at once and he thought it might kill him. He was becoming obsessed with Daisy. He was thinking about her all day, her eyes haunted him while he was looking over portfolios, the memory of her back arched, tits out, would surface like fat in water every few hours despite how he tried to push it back down.

It wasn't that Ben had no sex drive, he found himself attracted to people every so often. He had a girlfriend in college, and he had tolerated being intimate with her even though he hadn't found it particularly pleasant. She had been patient with him  
and had coaxed his body into reacting. After they broke up, Ben's sexual experiences had been far and few between. Ten years ago, when he was drinking a lot, he found he could numb some of his discomfort if he got drunk enough and had a handful of encounters with women. Usually they led him, they would be drunk and find him in a crowd and then he would be inside of them, all of it a blur that left him feeling sick.

Now it had been years, and even longer since he had met someone he actually wanted beyond a basic release. He had spent so long putting sex out of his mind, it wasn't something he needed. He was much more comfortable at home watching porn than letting a stranger touch him. But the more he thought about Daisy the more he thought about touching her and the duality of wanting it and not wanting it was making him panic. What was the point even? It's not like she would ever want him. He was a mega creep, a client. He wasn't stupid, he knew why she was excited to see him and it wasn't his charm.

He pulled on sneakers and a hoodie and set out for a run. He lived in a high rise apartment that overlooked the Bay Bridge, and the neighborhood was quiet enough at night. Also Ben was huge and people rarely messed with him. He put his headphones in, music made everything better, if he could get away with having headphones in constantly he would. He lost himself in the pound of his feet on the pavement, the bass of the music, let his brain just white out to static, too focused to care.

When he finally got home, exhausted and aching, he had decided it was best if he just stayed away. Nothing good could come from falling in love with a stripper.

She was never going to tell him no, not as long as he kept paying, and she was never going to actually want him so living in this limbo would only make him panic. He had to let it go. Then again, there was the memory of her eyes when she asked him to come back, and his words, "I promise."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys....you blow me away. I can't explain how much every comment means to me. Thank you. Please continue to validate me, I neeed it! Thank you for all the love on this already, I love you all !!!
> 
> More art by vanta-gold@tumblr.com <3<3


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miscommunication and angst are ahead. Also please listen to Book Of Love by The Magnetic Fields when it's mentioned, it makes the scene 1000x better I promise.

Ben liked his job when it came down to the logistics of it. He liked the technicalities of acquisitions and mergers, he liked managing stock portfolios and tracking industry growth and predicting market trends.

He just hated the other people he worked with, and no one was worse than Armitage Hux.

Hux liked to fuck with Ben. Ben was largely immune to taunting, it didn't bother him, and there was a fair bit of that with Hux but most of it was corporate sabotage. Hux was always trying to make Ben look weak and stupid. He was wildly jealous because Ben was something of a prodigy, he had an uncanny knack for predicting trends. He had been on the forefront of Amazon and Bit Coin, making his clients and his company an absolute fortune. Snoke thought he was a genius and he was, his IQ was well over 150. Ben figured part of the trade off for his stock market spidey senses was that sometimes social cues got lost in translation. It seemed like a fine trade to him.

Hux was in a mood today. Ben was happy to avoid him whenever he got like this but they had a meeting with Snoke this afternoon and Ben wasn't looking forward to it. He let his mind wander to Daisy, as it seemed to always do now when he didn't actively steer it away.

  
Ben loved classical dance. His mother had been a ballerina, and he had spent his youth watching her dance. She had made him do it too, for years, and Ben was always awkward and uncomfortable and upset that he couldn't do the art justice. His father had never wanted to him to dance, he thought it was girly but Ben had seen the sheer strength, the muscles, and he found it positively Grecian in both its power and beauty. If he had been better, he would have stuck with it, but it had always led to embarrassment. Watching Daisy was strange because it held an element of the safety of his youth, and also a deeply erotic edge that was...new. It was an intoxicating blend.

Ben gathered his papers and headed up to the 40th floor to meet Snoke.

Hux was already in the conference room, glaring daggers at him. He looked cocky, Ben wasn't sure what he had to be so smug about.

Snoke came in, a wizened old man who had been in some sort of accident years ago, leaving part of his face badly burned. He was small and terrifying and made Ben feel nervous.

"Please, sit," Snoke wheezed. Ben and Hux both found a seat.

"So which of you is responsible for the loss of the Adams account?"

Ben felt his stomach drop. He didn't know they had lost the Adams account. Hux looked ready for this, what had he missed?

"Sir if I might, Solo's decision to double investments in the first quarter was hasty."

"All of the market research led us to believe there was nothing but gain." Ben was getting heated. How dare he try to pin this on him?

"I think there has been a serious oversight-" Hux started and Ben felt his anger flaring, mind searching for the right words. When he got like this it was hard to find the right words, his body demanded action before his brain. Luckily he didn't have to.

"Silence," Snoke said. "The nature of Ben's job requires an enormous amount of guess work, the standard you're holding to him to is a clear indication of the quality of his work. It is you, Hux, who failed to catch the downward trend in time."

Hux was, if possible, even paler.  
"You're dismissed, Solo you stay."

Hux was fuming as he left the office.

"I don't know why I keep him around, honestly," Snoke said once Hux had left. Ben's adrenaline was pumping.  
"Sir, I am sorry about the Adams account."  
"I know, and let this be a reminder for you to tread carefully. Next time you loose me millions I won't be as lenient."  
"I understand," Ben said, waiting to be dismissed. Snoke shook a hand at him and he left, heart pounding. He was sure he hadn't heard the last of this from Hux. He always held a grudge.

________________________

  
Rey was absolutely not sulking. She sat in front of her mirror at work, applying eyeliner for the third time (her hand was not cooperating with her brain) and definitely not sulking. It was Monday and Ben had not come back since Wednesday. The weekend was busy, she had come on stage on Friday night to see his whole crew of Bank Bros™ there as usual without him. The pasty red head was positively carnivorous, she could see him itching to get his hands on her and it made her stomach turn. He must work with Ben, see him every day, why wasn't he here too?

Rey had slipped backstage and begged Jessika to take over for her for a bit, something about the idea of the red head's hands on her was making her nauseous. She consoled her by thinking that maybe Ben would be in the next day.

He wasn't. Or the day after that.

Rey finished her eyeliner and started on lipstick.

"Oh my god you're sulking," Paige came and sat down next to her. Rey shot her a sour look.  
"I am not," she said.  
Paige laughed and shook her head.  
"Okay whatever you say," she grabbed the lipstick from Rey, it was darker than blood.

"You're right, I'm sulking and it's stupid. I'm letting it go." Rey rolled her neck. She tied her hair up in a loose bun on her head.  
"Sure," Paige said, smacking her lips and giving her a side eye. Rey groaned and got up to look at outfit options. She found a sheer black dress and shrugged it on over her black panties, letting the outline of her tits show through the light material. It was a favorite of hers, less slutty and more sexy and she rarely wore it but it was sure to be a dead Monday night and she needed cheering up.

She looked smoky and sultry and she smiled at her reflection.

"Alright, show must go on!"

"Break a leg kid," Paige said.

Rey came out to an almost empty club, just two guys who weren't even at the front. No real money, but whatever. She had asked Ms. Holdo to play her playlist, and Marian Hill's Down came over the loudspeaker. She allowed herself a bit of freedom, climbing high on the pole and letting herself twist slowly. She kept the dress on, let it hitch up above her pale thighs, let her nipples harden against the rough fabric. She was letting herself get lost in it, eyes closed. It felt good, better than dancing on the main stage usually did. It took her until the end of the song to come back down to earth, and to the floor. She opened her eyes and had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Ben was sitting there, close to the stage, and watching her with the most intense look she had ever seen. It was a look that only someone with no filter, no ability to mask, could possibly muster because Rey *literally* got naked for strangers and she had never felt more exposed.

Fuck.

She was going to fuck this guy if it killed her. Her mind was spinning wildly, her heart racing from her dance and from the surprise and proximity of him. She stepped toward him.  
"Hi," he said.  
"Hi," she whispered.  
"I can wait for you, if you need a break after-" He gestured to the pole.  
"No, no, lets go." Rey said.  
She didn't take his hand, remembering how he had pulled away from her last time, and she needed to not touch him right now anyway, she wasn't sure what would happen if she did. He had asked her not to, and he seemed to mean it but knowing that she couldn't was making her skin crawl and she could not believe how on edge she was.

She led him back into a private room, and went to fiddle with the iPod. She took a few deep breaths, she couldn't believe how much she had let her thoughts get away from her because all she could do was picture Ben sitting back on that bench and taking his dick out of his suit pants. She wanted to watch his huge hand grip it, she wanted to touch it, she wanted him to let her touch him. God she was sure he would look good when he came. Shit.

She put on Yael Naim's cover of Toxic by Britney Spears and the familiar melody, now low and slow, twisted through the room. She left the dress on, she had no problem moving in it and she knew it was stupid hot. Ben looked wrecked, his breathing was shallow and his pale cheeks were flush. His dark eyes were almost black, she couldn't tell where pupil ended and iris began and she was sure whatever brown was there was a small ring.

She wasn't just dancing for fun now, not like she had been before, now she was dancing for Ben. She wanted to break him, wanted to know where his line was and when he would grab her hips or at least brush his dick through his pants.

She was close, close enough to touch but she didn't dare, he wasn't moving away from her which was good but he had outright asked her not to and she needed him to be the one to do it.

She was hardly dancing, swaying really and Ben had spread his legs to let her get closer.

Suddenly the music changed, and it wasn't what she thought she queued up. Book of Love by The Magnetic Fields came on. Rey froze and took a step back, it was her favorite song and it has absolutely no place in a strip club it was soft and beautiful and weird.

She thought about changing it and instead said, "Will you dance with me?"

_____________________

Ben had no idea what was going on, something about Daisy seemed...off. The dance she had been doing when he walked in, he had never seen anything as erotic in his life. It was haunting. And her face when she saw him, like she really was happy to see him. She was so close to him, blissfully not touching him but close enough to, much closer than she usually was. Was he missing something? He tried to rack his brain for a social clue he might have glossed over when she froze, the music changed and she looked like she was somewhere else and then she was staring at him with bright, wet eyes and asking if he would dance with her and what could he even say? He wasn't sure this wasn't a lead in to some sex thing but he also wasn't sure he could deny her anything and if what she was asking for was a dance...He'd try.

"I'm terrible," he said.  
"I really don't care," Daisy said.

Ben stood up slowly, hands out in front of him like a surrender.  
"Listen, Daisy I really...I never dance and I don't like- It's hard when-" He couldn't find the words. He sighed.  
"I don't usually....touch people."  
"Do you want to touch me?" She asked.

Ben did. He nodded.

"Just...Just dancing?" He asked.  
She nodded with a wide smile, like a god damn kid on christmas, and she stepped closer to him. Ben sighed, he steeled himself for the worst, and brought one hand to her hip and one to her shoulder, holding his body away from hers.

She looked giddy.  
"You good?" She asked, and her voice was lower now than it had been. He nodded and really...he was. He was hyper aware of the place where his hands were on her, the heat of her skin was almost electric but not entirely unpleasant. She had wanted him to touch her and that somehow  
made him want to touch her and he didn't understand why it didn't hurt, but there was that strange calm she brought him and he was breathing and feeling her and he was fine. She rocked to the music and he swayed with her. It was a beautiful song, sorrowful but hopeful and he felt it somewhere deep inside of himself.

She inched herself closer to him and brought one hand tentatively up to his chest.  
"Is this okay?" She asked, and he thought about it for a moment. He must have taken too long because she went to move and he said, all in a rush, "No, no it's fine. It's good."  
She had her palm over his heart and he was sure she could feel it pounding like a hammer but he didn't care.

She was close now, inches from his body but still only touching him where his hands were on her and hers on him. Ben was grateful. He let his head come down to rest a cheek on the top of her head and followed her as she swayed.

The song ended and she looked up at him.

"Rey."  
"What?"  
"My name, it's Rey. Not Daisy. I wanted you to know."  
"Rey," he said, marveling at the word. He was still touching her. No music was playing and she looked tired.

"Can we just, like, talk?" She asked him.  
"Is that super weird, I'm sorry I'm just...it's an off night."

"What do you wanna talk about?"

She seemed reluctant to move away from him and he was honestly a bit reluctant to let her go, but he pulled away from her and moved back to the bench. Rey, her name was Rey, came and sat beside him.

"Can you tell me about your day?"

Ben sighed, ran his hands through his hair.  
"It was shit."  
"What happened?"  
"We lost an account, a big one. Hux has it out for me."  
"Is he your boss?"  
"No, the redhead who comes here every Friday," Ben said with a frown. He hated the idea of Hux watching Rey dance.  
"He creeps me out," she said.  
"You and every woman he's ever met," Ben said. Rey started laughing. Ben was a little taken aback, he had meant it seriously but he smiled. Her laugh was like warm honey.

"I didn't get the blame for it, this time, but I have to be careful. My job requires a lot of guesswork. I like it because it's analytical, it's looking at patterns and predicting what will happen but it leaves a fair bit of room for mistakes. I don't usually make them."

She was watching him with warm hazel eyes and he found it hard to look at her when she was staring at him, but he made an effort to anyway.  
"What about you?"  
"I had class today, it was okay. I have a paper due this week also."  
Ben nodded, it had been a long time since he had been in school and he didn't want to think about their obvious age gap. He was almost scared to ask, but the words just came out anyway.  
"How old are you?"  
"Twenty one, I'll be twenty two in may. How about you?"  
"I turned thirty four in November," he said, watching her face carefully. She didn't seem to be weirded out by his age which he took as a blessing.

"When did you know you wanted to be a dancer?" He was finding it wildly easy to talk to her because he already had all of these questions lined up in his head. He had been thinking about her for days.

"God, always. I lost my parents when I was little, really little, and I spent a lot of time in foster care before I came to live with my uncle in the states. He adopted me when I was eleven and put me in dance and it was the only thing that brought me out of shell. Before that I was shy and skittish, if you can believe it!"  
Ben honestly could not. He smiled.  
"My mother was a dancer, she's still a patron of the arts but now she's on the financial end, bankrolling city ballets and what not."  
"That's amazing," Rey said with whimsy. She looked at the clock on the wall and her face fell.  
"I wish I could just stay and talk to you," she said.  
"I'll be back," he said, and he knew without a doubt it was true. He stood up and pulled the usual $300 from his wallet.  
"Please, don't, Ben really." Rey was backing away from him.  
"No please, you're working."  
Her face was tight, he had upset her.  
"I don't want money for this, please..."  
"Rey, take it." He didn't know what to do. He had taken her away from potential clients, she clearly needed the income. Why was she fighting him? He had told her that he was rich it made no difference to him.  
"Ben stop, just stop." She had tears in her eyes.  
"Rey, this is your job, it's ridiculous not to get paid for it."  
"My job? You think this is what I do when people come to see me? Ben I just wanted to...spend time with you." She shook her head, she was angry.  
"Just, keep your money and go."

Ben didn't know what he had done wrong, he was thrown off and he had no idea how to fix it. He tucked the money back into his wallet and he left.

The fresh air outside was a relief, but the weight of the day was catching up with him. Losing the Adams account, Hux's angry glares, Rey's body close to his as he danced and then her anger, eyes flashing. Ben had the overwhelming urge to slam his fists into a wall, to scream into the night. He was such an idiot, why did he have to fuck everything up? He turned his face to the night sky and let the wind prickle tears from his eyes as he walked home alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah sorry about the angst! Communication is so important and they're not doing it very well! I have faith that they're going to figure it out though, don't you? 
> 
> Thank you for the OVERWHELMING response to this fic it means so much to me to be able to hear your stories and see you relate to these characters. I wanted to make a playlist but I don't want to link to my public spotify and I'm not sure how else to make one so any suggestions are appreciated. Again, you're comments continue to literally save my life and I don't know what I would do without this fandom so if you wanna see more pls let me know! I am a manic person and it's very easy for me to fall 1000% into something or just let it die and I want to keep this going! thank you to everyone who is reading and a billion thank yous to everyone who comments. Please continue to share your thoughts with me.
> 
> Also, this fic might be longer than 6 chapters. We shall see!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Rey's internal monologue includes mild ableist slurs e.g. calling herself an idiot or stupid because she's upset. These things don't get used as insults out loud but just a warning if that bothers you.
> 
> Also I made a playlist! 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTxrXqtPk1To3n3ulgSZPDUCCYNk7hS_2

Rey was an idiot. This was a fact that came up a few times a year when Rey inevitably did something idiotic.

There was the time when she was 17 and she took her uncles car without asking and went street racing and ran it off the road.

There was the time during freshman year that she killed a 5th of tequila and ended up naked on the roof of a house party in the sunset.

There was the time last during spring break when she had hopped onto the back of the J train and rode through the tunnels in the Castro, nearly falling off.

And then there was telling Ben to leave, which had to be by far the most idiotic thing she had ever done.

The door to her room opened and Paige came in, carrying a hot mug of peppermint tea.

"Okay, talk to me."  
"I did something stupid. Several stupid somethings actually."  
"Care to elaborate?" Paige was sipping her own tea, backlit again the windows of Rey's room, the Golden Gate bridge just visible through the dense fog that seemed to be a permanent installation. Everything was as gray and blue as her mood.

"I told him my name," she said.  
"Okay wow why?" Paige asked.  
"He called me Daisy and it was just...wrong. I asked him to slow dance with me and we did. He told me about work and then we just, we sat and talked for most of the time and then he tried to pay me and I...kinda lost it. I told him to leave and now I'm never going to see him again and I hate myself. I can't explain it Paige it just felt so important that he knew who I was and that this wasn't...work." Rey was crying a little bit. Paige brought a hand up to stroke back her hair.  
"Okay listen, I've been really on the fence about this entire thing because I have seen the ways that men try to manipulate us in this field-"  
"No he's not like that Paige, he wouldn't even let me touch him until yesterday-"  
"I know, let me finish," Paige swatted at her gently, coming to huddle beside Rey.  
"If you really think this is something... more, why don't you just tell him? Like, what do you even have to lose? Either he will be like, no thanks I secretly have a wife or he will be like Holy Balls the hot girl from the club wants to hang out with me, and his head will explode which by the way I think is a lot more likely."  
"What you mean go find him?"  
"Yeah I mean you know where he works right?"  
"I don't know his last name or anything, you think they will just let me in?"  
"Rey you're a theater student, you can figure out a way into that building. You're clever and I know you, when you want something you won't stop until you've tried everything. So try."

  
Try. Rey was going to try.

  
Rey didn't have a ton of professional clothing since she had never had an office job but she had managed to pull together what she thought passed for dignified. She had played a lawyer in a school play a few years ago and she had a plain white pencil skirt that came up just above her knees and a red silk blouse that was high collared. She had a ton of heels so at least that part was easy. For the most part if Rey was at school she was in jeans and a hoodie, if she was at work she was in underwear or a costume and so it left her wardrobe kind of...lacking. She wasn't a big makeup person and rarely wore anything besides mascara outside of work but she put on some nude matte lipstick and a hint of blush. She wasn't exactly sure what her game plan was but she figured if she couldn't get into the building, she would sit outside of it until Ben came out. She wasn't leaving without talking to him.

First Order was only a few blocks away from Rebel Girls which was to say it was all the way on the other side of the city from Rey's house. She took the 5 bus downtown and walked the rest of the way, it was chilly and beautiful. It was April and spring in the Bay Area was wet and verdant and misty and reminded Rey of quiet mornings in the UK when she was a kid. She grabbed a cup of coffee at her usual spot on Mason street and cut up into the financial district.

She was nervous. She knew full well that this guy might tell her to fuck off, even worse, he could talk to Ms. Holdo about her behavior and potentially get Rey into trouble. She didn't think Ben would do that, but it was worth assessing the risk. Rey didn't know what the protocol was for stalking a client but it was probably frowned upon.

She steeled herself before going into the lobby. She tried to look like she wasn't stalking someone as she glanced over the directory in the lobby. There were four Ben's listed, but one of them was right next to an Armitage Hux (the only Armitiage on the board) and Rey was sure now that Ben's last name was Solo.

Ben Solo.

She walked up to the front desk with a wide smile.  
"Hi, I have an appointment with Ben Solo at 3:30."  
The receptionist, a bored looking girl around Rey's age, flipped through a book.  
"Name?" She asked.  
Rey decided to be honest, or at least partly .  
"Rey. He's expecting me, if you could just tell him I'm waiting." She tried to make her voice both sweet and commanding. The girl picked up the phone.  
"Mr. Solo, there's a woman named Rey here to see you? She said you're expecting her but I don't see- Yes okay, I'll tell her." She hung up the phone slowly and raised her face to meet Rey's eyes. Her expression unchanged and Rey was positive she was about to escorted out of the building.  
"You can go on up, 4045."  
Rey tried not to look surprised as she thanked her and headed to the elevator and pressed the button for the 40th floor.

She couldn't believe that worked. She let out a small laugh and then felt her stomach drop. What was she even going to say?

Whatever, she would figure it out.

The doors opened to a sleek hallway, she followed the sign for suite 4045 and knocked on the door. It opened immediately and there was Ben, so tall and so broad in an expensive suit. He was clean shaven, his hair smoothed back, but he looked tired, dark circles under his eyes.

"Hi," she said, "Can I come in?"  
He moved to let her into the office. It was beautiful, one wall was entirely windows, looking out over the city, a sleek mahogany desk took up space along one wall, and a leather couch and chairs were in the center.

"What are you doing here?" Ben asked, and he looked genuinely confused. Rey took a step toward him and he took a step back. She froze.

"Okay, just listen because I don't want to lose my nerve, alright?"  
Ben nodded.  
"I'm so sorry, I'm an asshole. I never should have treated you like that and I never should have asked you to leave, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and the idea of you never coming to see me again just..." She shook her head. She had to get this out.  
"I know that this is super weird of me, showing up at your work. Like fuck, Ben. I'm a stripper, you don't know me at all and you certainly don't owe me anything but I couldn't stand the idea that I chased you away and never got to say sorry, never got to explain."  
Ben still looked confused and hurt.

"Okay so explain, because I don't get it Rey. Why did you tell me to leave?" He asked.

"Because I was mad, or sad maybe, I don't know. This is so crazy but Ben, I like you, I can't stop thinking about you and I thought that we had...a moment. And when you tried to pay me for it I felt horrible because while I have no problem with my work, with sex work, with getting naked for strangers, in the past few weeks I've shared something deeper with you." She was slowly moving toward him, hands out like she was cornering a stray dog.  
"I like getting paid for my work, for the energy and effort I put into the craft, but I don't want to be paid to sit and talk with someone I like. I can't put my heart in my work like that, Ben, it would kill me. You did nothing wrong, I just handed it badly, and I'm really sorry." She was close to him now, less than a foot of space between them. She was dying to touch him.

Ben was quiet, he looked more confused than ever.  
"You like me?!" He said, and he huffed out a little breath and tugged his hands through his hair.  
"Yes."  
"Why?"

This was not exactly the reaction Rey had wanted, but she supposed she was lucky he hadn't kicked her out of the building.

"Because you're beautiful, and you look at me like I'm a person, not just a body, and in a line of work where men actively grope me you won't even touch me, you don't care about how hot I can look while dancing you want to watch me do ballet and when I dance like that, for real, it's like opening my heart up with a knife. Because I can't stop thinking about you and honestly Ben please, just get coffee with me? It doesn't have to be like, this huge thing but I want to see you and not at work, not where you have to pay me, just because I want to and you want to... if you want too."

Rey had been rambling, she sounded like an idiot. Ben was still just staring at her.

"Please say something," she said, squeezing her eyes shut.

"I don't drink coffee this late in the day."

Rey opened her eyes.

"Okay," she said. Was this a dismissal? She felt her heart drop and looked at her shoes.

"Are you hungry?"

She snapped her face up to look at him. His eyes were open and honest and he looked softer than she had ever seen him and not being able to touch him at all was becoming painful.

"Starving," Rey lied. Her stomach was in knots but she couldn't believe he wasn't throwing her out of his office.

"I know a great place in north beach, if you're okay with a little walk?"  
"Yes, more than."  
"Okay, lets go."

Rey had emotional whiplash, Ben hadn't told her that he liked her too or really said anything but he was taking her out to eat and she would take whatever small  
miracle she could get right now.

____________________

Ben's life was a steady, rhythmic routine. He woke up every weekday at 5:45 and went running. He got back at 6:30 and showered and made two eggs and toast. At 7:30 he left his apartment and walked to work, where he would stay from 8am until 5pm most days.

There were occasionally deviations to this routine. Sometimes he had meetings outside of the office. Sometimes he wasn't done with work until after 8pm. Sometimes he left for lunch, sometimes he ate in his office. The deviations tended to be standard and acceptable variations. Rey showing up in his office was not a standard deviation. Nothing could have prepared him for the reality of her, flustered and pink cheeked and rambling.

Ben had been genuinely confused when Rey had asked him to leave Rebel Girls, but he figured whatever had made her upset had been his fault. He supposed now that he had been wrong.

He was very thankful that she explained it to him, surprised even by how her attempts at communication, while frenzied, had been direct and easy for him to follow. It was so rare that people just said what they meant. So much of the time they said one thing and expected you to know that they really meant another thing. He hated it.

Rey was next to him, walking surprisingly fast considering she had large white heels on. Even so, the top of her head was still well below his chin and Ben thought about how she could fit flush against his body, about how he could tuck her head just perfectly under his chin if she kept those shoes on. Thinking about touching her made his heart slam, it wasn't a good idea. She liked him. She *liked* him. God she had no idea. He had to tell her, he had to warn her. It was only a matter of time, she was going to figure out eventually that he was...different. Ben had never really minded being different but right now it felt like a curse in a way that was new and unpleasant. What would a neurotypical person do when a hot girl showed up and confesses feelings? Kiss her, probably, but the idea made Ben flinch. Again, the duality of wanting and not wanting was making him panic. He was just going to tell her, he couldn't be what she needed. He was never going to be good for her, she was young and bright and bouncy and he was stiff and rigid and unyielding and hard to love. All sharp edges.

They ducked into a small Italian restaurant. The hostess recognized Ben and smiled, leading the two of them back to a small table in the corner. It was cozy, lit with string lights and candles. It struck Ben now that it might come off as romantic, even though that wasn't his intention. He hoped not, this would be easier to do without her getting the wrong idea.

The thing was, when Ben was just a client he felt safe, he had no obligation to be something he wasn't or do something he didn't want to do and this was... not something he could do. He had just wanted to watch her dance and he hadn't expected her to split his whole world wide open and so much of him was dying to hold her but in no world was he, Ben Solo, going have a hot 21 year old dancer girlfriend, and why she would want to be with him in the first place was mind blowing. He was just going to be honest with her it was the only way.

  
Rey was looking at a menu, she was adorable. It made Ben's head hurt.

She liked him. She thought he was beautiful. This was going to be painful, he had to get it over with.

After they had ordered, chicken for Rey and pasta for Ben, he spoke.

"Okay, my turn."  
Rey was watching him, expectant.  
"I'm not good at this, any of this so please just listen to me okay? I can't imagine what I could have possible done to make you like me and I am so, so flattered Rey but..."

Her face was falling, hands twisting in her lap.

"You don't want to date me," he said.  
"How do you know what I want?" Rey started, so fiery and ready to spar and he wanted to smile except that he was actually very sad. Just tell her. Just tell her and let her leave. Ben couldn't look at her while he spoke, his eyes were fixed somewhere off to the side of her. He wasn't even doing the trick where he let his vision blur and pretended to make eye contact, he couldn't bear to see her face right now.

  
"I'm autistic." Good. Keep talking.  
"I'm high functioning, but I can't really handle touching people, and I don't read people very well, I haven't had a real girlfriend since college and you, I mean look at you Rey, you deserve to be with someone who can...who's better at all of this. I mean any normal person would have been on you the instant you told them you like them and I'm never going to be what you need. I just... I love watching you dance, I never meant for this to- for you to- You don't want me, trust me."

Rey was silent. He waited for her to speak and when she didn't he brought his eyes back to her. She was smiling.  
"Are you done?" She asked. Ben nodded.  
"Good. I don't care. Ben I really don't care, if you don't want me to touch you I won't, if you think it will take time I have time, if it never happens, if it always feels bad then I won't ever do it. That doesn't mean I won't like you. I don't want to stop seeing you. I like that you're different, I like that you're hard to read and confusing and that you do everything differently than I'm used to. I wouldn't like you if you were the type of person who jumped on me in your office, I deal with men like that every day and I hate them. Just... please don't tell me what I want or what I don't want when you have no idea. If you don't want to see me because you don't like me then okay, I'll be sad but I'll get over it but you don't get to decide for me if I care about you, you don't get to decide what's good for me or what I want. I do, and I want you, and if you want me to go, I'll go I swear, but Ben please. Please give me a chance to prove it to you. Please don't take this away from me before I get a chance to try."

Ben was speechless. He had fully expected her to recoil from him, to awkwardly eat her food and then  
disappear, to graciously bow out of whatever trouble she had gotten herself into by confessing her feelings in the first place but this? This was way beyond a standard deviation this wasn't even in the same realm of possibilities, this was like gravity misbehaving. There was no way to plan for a shift in the laws of physics.

"So just tell me," Rey went on, "Tell me if you don't like me please, if that's what this is I just want to know."

Ben's heart felt like it had been cracked open and it was leaking light. He wanted to touch her in a way that terrified him.

"You're serious?" He asked her.  
"I'm serious. I'm in, Ben. Are you in?"

"Okay," he said, marveling at the woman in front of him.  
"I'm in."

 

"Do you have to go back to work?" Rey asked him as they left the restaurant.  
"Yes but I don't have to stay, I can just pick up my laptop and finish up from home."  
"Can we hang out?" She was so eager, bouncing next to him. Ben thought about it, having her in his apartment. He was waiting for his mind to snag on a reason why she shouldn't come over but he couldn't find one. He had been honest with her and they were on the same page and he had no reason not to trust her. She had come to find him.  
"Okay, you can come over."  
She smiled wide again and Ben felt his blood surge. He wanted to make her smile like that all the time.

Suddenly eager to prove himself to her, Ben reached down between them and took her hand in his.

It was small and warm and not unpleasant at all, he could feel his heartbeat in every millimeter of his,body, the place where her skin was against his was electric and intense and it felt important. Ben started counting backwards from a hundred by sevens to try and calm his mind a bit, but stopped at 49 when Rey gently squeezed his hand and just felt her existing beside him instead.

They got back to Ben's office and Rey followed him upstairs. He didn't let go of her hand as they rode the elevator up to the 40th floor, or when they walked down the hall to his office. Ben was lost in his own world, lost in a Rey, so he didn't notice Hux right away. It wasn't until the other man let out a low, cruel laugh that Ben looked up and met the redhead's eyes. He looked cunning and delighted in a way that was frightening. Ben watched him disappear behind his office door with a feeling of dread. He couldn't dwell on Hux right now, things were too good. He grabbed his computer and brief case and led Rey out of the office, she was the only thing that mattered right now anyway, whatever ugly thing Hux was smiling about could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO overwhelmed by your response you guys, this fic is so fun to write and so important to me and it makes my entire day when you guys comment. Please continue to give me feedback and tell me what you think, writing for you guys is so validating and it's one of the best things in my world so thank you thank you thank you. Keep telling me what you wanna see and how you connect with this story. I love all your ideas and stories!


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey dances for Ben at home.

Ben lived only a few blocks from First Order. His apartment was just as sleek as his office, dark hallways leading up to his penthouse. He had an entire floor to himself, Rey's jaw just about dropped when she saw it.

His apartment had a sleek, open layout. The front door led into a giant living room with an attached kitchen and dining room. Like his office, there was an entire wall of floor to ceiling windows, this time looking or over the Bay Bridge and the water.

"This is amazing," she said.   
"I like the windows," Ben said, watching her standing backlit against the sunset.   
"I like feeling like I'm not trapped," he said.   
"When I was a kid I was always climbing way up into trees or onto roofs. I had no sense of danger."   
"I was scared of everything," Rey said, turning to face him. She leaned down and unbuckled her shoes.   
"Sorry, my feet are killing me. I tried to look like someone who would actually have a meeting in your building but I never wear heels outside of work. I'm a sneakers girl deep down."  
Ben smiled, picturing Rey in converse and a hoodie. He was sure it would make her look even younger.   
"Did I pull it off?" She asked, walking closer to him.   
"You look beautiful," he said, because she did. Rey bit her bottom lip and spun to look around the apartment. Ben hated people in his house, he hated people touching things, but he had an electric thrill seeing her here, he thought he could get used to it.

He never knew how to fill the awkward silence of entertaining. He was standing still in the middle of his apartment, just looking at Rey.

"What now?" He asked.  
"Can you put on some music?"   
Ben smiled, and walked with Rey over to the entertainment system. He opened up the cabinet. He had rows and rows of CDs, all alphabetized, and an AUX cord. Rey's face lit up.

"Go get me a tee shirt and then go sit on the couch," she said, shooing him away from her. Ben followed her instructions, happy to have a task. He brought her a plain black tee shirt and went to sit on the couch.

"I can't dance in this outfit," she said, pulling off her silk top, she had no bra on and she pulled the shirt over her head quickly, it came down to her mid thigh. She slipped out of the pencil skirt too, again without any of the sultry moves she used while stripping, this was just her being practical.

Rey plugged her phone into the AUX cord. Suddenly a deep, pounding percussion was coming through the speakers. It was haunting and quick, it made Ben's pulse double.

He leaned back into the couch, in awe of Rey. How was this real? The sun was sinking, the city and the bay bright pink and orange behind her. She was barefoot, in only his tee shirt, and she was dancing. Here she had room, she moved in ways he had never seen her move, spinning quickly across the floor, leaping, all liquid and lightning and skin. Her pale legs flashed, shirt hiking above her thighs, he caught a flash of her underwear, plain white. Not the bright ones she usually wore at work, these were simple and it made Ben react in a way he normally didn't.

This wasn't technically sexy, not compared to what Rey normally did. He had seen her mostly naked, in hot little panties and twisting on a pole but nothing compared to this.

It was raw, her bare feet, the flash of damp underwear, her pale legs, cheeks flushed, the low bass. Ben felt himself getting hard in his pants. He leaned forward to try and to ease some of the tension and get a tiny bit of friction. The knowledge that he could have her right now if he wanted was intoxicating, made so much more intense by the fact that he knew there was no pressure, no expectation. Rey was going to let him lead them, and it made his head spin.

The song ended and another started, a Major Lazer track called Be Together that he was familiar with.

She was watching him, lips parted and panting as she moved, and Ben was lost in a way he had never been. When he usually watched her dance he was moved by her form, by her technique and her stamina. This was different, all he could think about was putting his hands on her and it was overwhelming, new. She was suddenly this attainable thing. He watched her spin  
and spin until she was standing close to him. Her hand out, an offer but not a demand. Slowly, he reached out his hand to touch hers, fingers grazing along her own. Her skin, so warm and dry beneath his finger tips.

He stood, taking her hand in his, her eyes widened, pupils huge and dark. He didn't think, just leaned down and kissed her, one hand still in hers, one coming up to cup her skull.

She didn't press flush against him, still cautious, but her mouth opened to his and he was lost in it. Lips moving slowly against his own.

"Oh my god Ben," she whispered against his mouth, and he could feel her trembling. So slight, so warm.

Cautiously, her hands came up to his face. The touch wasn't as grounding as the kiss but he didn't want her to pull away so he let her touch his cheeks, his hair. Her lips opened against his and he tasted her, warm and wet.

When she did finally move back, still panting from her dance and their kiss she looked wrecked. Beautiful and electric.   
"Thank you," she said, hands still on him.   
"For what?" He asked. For the kiss?   
"For trusting me, for taking a chance on me."  
"You're welcome," he said and she let out a small giggle.   
"Wanna hold hands and watch tv?" She asked him.  
He really did.

_______________________

It turned out Ben shared Rey's love of The Twilight Zone. She had selected it from the recently watched section of his Netflix and Ben opened up a bottle of wine and once the sun has set fully outside they put it on.

Rey was happier than she could remember ever being. But being so happy was terrifying, she suddenly felt like she had so much more to lose than she had a few weeks ago. Rey knew she had abandonment issues, she had been left by her parents, shuffled through foster systems for years before coming to live with her uncle. Something about not being able to touch Ben had been driving her insane, and every inch she gained was both a relief and fuel on a fire.

He was still in his work clothes, jacket and tie off, shirt unbuttoned, suit pants crisp as ever. Rey was in just his shirt and her underwear. She was sitting next to him on the couch but not crowding him, she longed to press into his side, to have him wrap his huge arms around her.

He had her hand in his. She would take it. There had a been a point this afternoon where she'd had to give herself a pep talk about the fact that she might never get to really touch Ben Solo. She told him that she didn't care and it wasn't a lie, she meant it like this: I don't care about what I want more than I care about what you want, and that was true. But the thought of never touching Ben was heartbreaking. He seemed eager to show her that he meant *not yet* rather than *not ever* and she could wait. She could definitely wait. She thought her heart was going to cave in when he had kissed her, she hadn't expected it at all. She was content to just hold his hand and dance a bit and then he had looked at her, FINALLY with hungry eyes and kissed her. She felt like a teenager. She felt giddy. She was humming with nervous anticipation.

Now, she sat next to Ben and watched as Rod Serling warned viewers of the horrors that were to come.

Ben was drawling little circles on her wrist with his thumb and it was making her shiver. She couldn't focus, her eyes kept falling over to him, the clean shaven skin of his face, his hair just long enough to cover his ears, full lips and a long nose. Lips he had let her kiss! She knew she had a tendency to fall hard and fast but even for her, this was intense. She had to fight the urge to shower Ben with affection.

"Ben?"  
"Hmm?"   
"Can I sit closer to you?"  
Ben winced and Rey felt her heart drop. He didn't say anything.   
"Never mind, we don't have to" Rey said quickly, and Ben looked over at her.   
"Wait just, we can try. But I wanna be able to tell you if I hate it."   
"Okay," she said, and she slid closer to him, her bare legs coming up to bend at the knees and rest gently against his pants. She kept her torso away from him, a few inches between them. Ben looked lost in thought, then his broad hand left her wrist and moved instead to her leg, where he splayed his fingers across her thigh and then trailed them down her leg to calf, then to her ankle.

Rey knew that Ben wasn't trying to tease her, but it didn't make it any less erotic when she watched his hand drag across her skin.

"Do you hate it?" She asked, her voice was a whisper.   
Ben looked up from her legs to meet her eyes.   
He shook his head, eyes serious and intense and a little sad.   
Rey raised her face, angling up for a kiss and he leaned down to meet her. She loved the way Ben kissed her, his lips moving against hers, little breaths pushed into her mouth. His hand tightened on her thigh. He kissed her and he kissed her and she was never going to be the one to stop first, if he never pulled away she would die here with her mouth against his.

He did stop though, eventually, but he kept his hand on Rey's leg and let her lean a little closer so her head was on his shoulder as they watched TV. Eventually, she closed her eyes and drifted into sleep. 

Rey woke up to darkness and silence, Ben was awake and he was watching her where she had her head on his shoulder.   
"Sorry," she said sleepily, pulling off of him.  
"It's okay," he said.   
"What time is it?"  
"After midnight, want me to call you an uber?"   
Rey nodded, stretching a little. She stood and found her skirt on the floor and pulled it on under her tee shirt. She stuffed her silk top in her bag and put her shoes on.  
"Six minutes," Ben said.   
"Do you work in the morning?" She asked him.  
"Yeah, you?"   
"I never work mornings," she giggled. "But I have class at 1:00 and work after that."  
Rey stood, Ben was sitting on the couch, watching her.   
"I had so much fun Ben, really thank you."  
"When can I see you again?" Ben asked and Rey smiled, fighting the urge to crawl into his lap.  
"I'm off Thursday. Also off on Sunday all day."  
"Thursday," Ben said and then, "And Sunday."  
Rey smiled wide and grabbed her bag. Ben stood.  
"I'll walk you down," he said.  
They headed down to the street, the night air was cold but refreshing, energizing in the same way Ben's skin was.   
The uber pulled up. Rey looked up at Ben, and he leaned down to kiss her. It was soft and slow, just lips on lips and no hands but it was like drowning in bath water, warm and rose scented. It made her dizzy.   
"Let me see your phone," she whispered against his mouth.  
He unlocked it and handed it to her, she sent herself a quick text.  
"I'll let you know when I get home," she said, handing his phone back to him. She stole one last quick kiss and dipped into the uber. Watching Ben disappear in the distance, hands in his pockets and shoulders pulled up to his ears in the cold. Her heart was singing.

  
Rey woke up at 9:00 the next morning. She didn't have to be at class for a few hours, but there was something else she had to do today that she hadn't mentioned to Ben. She showered and dressed quickly, pulling her hair up into a tight bun. She put on black tights and a black leotard and threw a dress over it. She left the house in Ugg boots but she threw toe shoes in her backpack.

She caught the bus few blocks from her house and headed into the city. Her stomach was in knots, she was so nervous. More nervous even than she had been showing up at Ben's office.

Rey had quietly submitted audition footage and a portfolio to the San Francisco Ballet Company. She hadn't told anyone that she had done it, she was sure she wasn't going to get a call back. Then, a week ago, she had received an email with an audition time. Rey was auditing as a soloist. She had expressed a willingness to participate in any capacity, even as an apprentice, but if she had it her way she would dance solos.

Rey had been trying to do the math in her head. She had to stay enrolled in 12 units a semester to keep her scholarship. This semester she had two 3 hour blocks on Tuesday and an afternoon class on Monday and Wednesday for a total of 12 units. She worked Friday, Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. This left her Sunday and Thursday free right now. Depending on how many hours the Ballet demanded. She could cut back on her shifts at Rebel Girls if she had to, or she could take out a loan and slow her studies, covering costs herself. She had to stay in school or she would lose her student visa, and no one was going to sponsor her for a work visa as a stripper, and nothing else was going to pay as well and also Rey liked stripping. She loved getting to dance for work.

Honestly, she hadn't expected to make it to auditions. If she was offered a spot, she would take it and figure the rest out later. She wasn't going to miss this opportunity.

She got off one bus and transferred to another, headphones in her ears. She had a routine down, she had shown pieces of it Ben over the last few weeks and had been staying late after class to use the studio space to practice. But she kept practicing in her head all the way to the studio in Pacific Heights.

The building was beautiful, Victorian and old and well lit. She was brought back to a stage, just a handful of people in the audience.

"Rey Kenobi?" And elderly man with a shock of white hair asked her.  
"Yes," Rey said.   
"Auditioning general, with emphasis on solo, did you give your music to the tech?"  
"Yes," Rey said.   
"Very well, in position please."

Rey moved to center stage and got into position. Her music came on, Water Me by FKA twigs. She came up onto her toes, arching one leg back behind her and bringing her body down to an intense angle, she held it until the music dropped and then she was spinning, stretching her body in ways she knew were visually interesting and complex. All of her lines were straight and technical, she wasn't going to give an inch in terms of technicality for the sake of art, she would have to let the art shine through without compromise. She used the entire stage, body twisting and spinning quickly, feet pointed and straight, jump, pirouette, grand jeté, landing in first, in third, in fifth.

When the music finally ended, Rey was panting and flushed. She gave a small curtesy.

"Thank you Ms. Kenobi, we will be in touch."

And that was it. No ceremony or celebration. If Rey had brought someone with her there would have been hugs and applause but as it was, she was alone. Rey nodded with a smile and grabbed her bag. She threw her dress back over her head as she entered the lobby, sitting down to switch her shoes.

It was not quite noon, plenty of time to get back to school before class. She would tell Paige she had to use the library if she asked. No one had to know what she had done. It was probably pointless anyway. Rey left the building and headed bank to the bus.

_______________________

Ben was having a minor anxiety attack. In all honesty, he could be thrown off by a bad meeting or his favorite coffee shop being closed, and he had been thrown a bigger curve ball than just that.

Rey has stayed late, she had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder and his hand on her leg, it was more physical contact than he'd had in years. He had been too tired to run this morning, and it threw his entire day off. He was pacing around his office, unsure of what to do before he finally picked up the phone and made the call.

"Phasma? It's me, can I see today? Yeah I'll leave work right now. Thank you."

Ben grabbed his briefcase and double checked that he didn't have a meeting before heading out into the hall.

He as halfway down when he was stopped by Hux.   
"Where are you rushing off to Solo? Got another hot date with a prostitute?"   
Ben stopped in his tracks.   
"Excuse me?" He said.  
"I saw you with that girl from the club, Daisy isn't it? I didn't know Holdo was in the habit of pimping out her girls. Or did you proposition her privately? I've got to say I'm impressed, what's it cost for a night with her? I'm very interested."

It took Ben a full minute to realize the implication of Hux's words.   
"You think I'm paying her to sleep with me?" Ben's tone was one of disbelief.   
"Obviously," Hux said slowly.   
"It's not like that at all. I'm late for a meeting."   
"Sure Solo, whatever you say." Hux wandered off humming Afernoon Delight and Ben felt his blood boil. He was too on edge to deal with Hux, his anxiety made him distracted and even his anger was secondary to needing to get out of the office as soon as possible.

Once he was outside and walking, Ben thought about Hux watching Rey dance. Last Friday, when the rest of his coworkers went to Rebel Girls without him, Ben had gone to the gym and worked himself into exhaustion, it was the only way to distract from the fact that Hux was with Rey when he wasn't. Now, after knowing that she liked him, after feeling somewhat secure in where their relationship was heading, he didn't think it would bother him as much. But the idea of Hux propositioning Rey for sex, for insinuating the same thing to her as he had to Ben made him want to smash his face in. It was unfair, and it was embarrassing. His anxiety made everything taste worse, like the end of the world. Ben was twisting his hands, head moving back and forth in a grotesque display of stimming he would usually be able to control. He just had to get to Phasma's... fast.

  
Dr. Jane Phasma had been Ben's therapist for six years. He saw her ever Saturday at noon. On bad days, she tried to squeeze him in.

Phasma opened the door to her practice, which she ran out of her small house in Nob Hill.   
"Benjamin, you look freaked out. Come on in."   
Phasma was almost as tall as Ben, Amazonian in stature. She had platinum blonde hair that she kept short and sleek. She was beautiful in a terrifying way.

Ben came in and sat down on the couch, covering his face with his hands.

"What's new?" Phasma asked, picking up a mug of steaming tea.   
"I think I have a girlfriend." Ben said, not looking at her.   
Phasma put the cup down.  
"Well that is new. Who is she? How did you meet?"   
Ben groaned. He never had to pretend to make eye contact with Phasma which was a blessing, it was so much easier to talk when he could focus on something that wasn't a face.   
"She's a stripper, and a dancer, a few weeks ago I followed your advice and i went out with my coworkers after work. We went to a strip club and she was dancing and I don't even know how this happened."   
Ben risked a glance at Phasma.  
"Ben pardon me if this is rude but... you do see her, outside of her work right? I know that sometimes those girls can say a lot of things they don't necessarily mean when they're dealing with clients, it can be confusing."

She thought he was confusing a strippers affection for a real relationship. Great.

"She likes me, Phasma. She showed up at my office, she asked me out, she was at my apartment until after midnight last night. I keep...kissing her." Ben wasn't sure why he sounded so miserable.   
"Oh, okay, so you have a girlfriend. Presumably, a very attractive one."   
Ben nodded.   
"That's a lot of change, but I do think it's positive change. Have you talked to her about your disability?"  
"Yes," Ben said.  
"Well good! That's half the battle right there. How did that go?"  
"She's amazing, she doesn't care, she said she would let me lead and that she just wanted to spend time with me and Phasma I am freaking out."

Phasma laughed, low and sweet.  
"Yes well, love tends to do that even to the neurotypical so you're not alone."   
Ben groaned again, he didn't want to tell her about what Hux said, it had too many ugly undertones for him to talk about without boiling over into anger.   
"What do I do?" Ben asked.  
"You take her out to dinner, ask her what she wants to do and then do that, get to know her. Are you still taking valium?"  
"Only a little," Ben said.   
"Use it if you need it, allow yourself to stim Ben! Don't be embarrassed by it, it helps you. Remember the tricks we've learned, counting backwards, reciting numbers and patterns. Every person on earth is nervous about a new relationship, this isn't your autism talking Ben it's your heart. It's going to be fine, trust me and honestly... I'm proud of you."   
Ben sighed, she was right. He just had to take it one day at a time and do his best to prepare for the anxiety that was inevitable.   
"Thank you," Ben said.  
"It is honestly my pleasure, now how about some tea?"

Tea sounded great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'llllllll are just the absolute best. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Please please continue to give me feedback, your comments are the reason I'm writing a chapter a day right now! The more validation I get the faster I write lol. Seriously, thank you all.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the bright side there's some smut here ;))

Rey couldn't stop smiling. She smiled through class on Friday, and through her shift. Ben was texting her regularly, and he was so much more open and easy going over text. He asked her about childhood and her family and told her a bit about his parents, they were alive but not together, he got along with his mom but not his dad, and about his uncle who he had admired as a kid, but resented as an adult. He sent her links to songs he wanted to see her dance to and pictures of strange things he saw throughout his day and Rey loved the world through his eyes.

She was still smiling on Saturday night when she got home late from her shift. It was past 2:00am, but she found Finn and Rose and a few empty bottles of wine littered around the living room.

"What trouble did you two get up to?" Rey asked, coming to sit on the floor beside Rose, she grabbed the bottle and downed several large swigs.

"Oh hush you," Finn said, smiling, "you need to spill right now."  
"What?!" Rey asked.  
"You've been god damn giddy all week and Paige said you have a boyfriend so SPILL," Finns words were only slightly slurred.  
Rey sighed, taking another large swig from the bottle.  
"His name is Ben," she said. Rose sat up, interested.  
"I knew it, how did you meet? Paige said at the club!?"  
Rey told her friends about how she had met Ben, the nervous lap dance and then the back room, where he would watch her do ballet.  
"Wow that is...really hot..." Rose said, hand on her heart.  
"Yeah until I chased him away, which was totally my fault because I love self sabotage, and so I tracked him down at work."  
Finn let out a barking laugh. "Oh honey you are so nuts, but I'm living for this, what happened next?"  
Rey swatted playfully at Finn, finishing what was left in the wine bottle, and went on.  
"We went out to eat, and he just sort of...well he insisted that I wouldn't want to date him and he told me that he's on the spectrum."  
Rose raised her eyebrows, Finn looked confused.  
"Did you know that before he told you?" Rose asked.  
"No but it does fill in a few blanks," Rey smiled fondly. "He really doesn't like touch, and I think he is trying for me but I can tell it's hard for him. But I told him I am absolutely okay with it, even if it's not an option."  
Both Rose and Finn were silent, they were looking at her sadly.  
"What?!" Rey asked, her tone defensive.  
"Okay look, don't take this the wrong way because this has nothing to do with dating someone on the spectrum it has more to do with your own....stuff, and have you really considered the compatibility of your issues and his issues because Rey, come on."  
Rey felt her stomach flip.  
"Listen," Finn started in, "your heart is so big and when you fall for someone, you fall all the way and fast and you're willing to make these sacrifices for other people and sometimes you don't ask yourself if it's a sacrifice you should be making. Babe, you need affection, more than anyone else I know, and that's fine we love that about you but you need validation and acceptance and sex to feel loved, you just do. What if he can't give you that?"  
Rey was starting to panic, is that what her friends really thought?  
"Look even if we don't ever end up being, I don't know, super sexual, it doesn't mean I won't get that love and validation in other ways?"  
"Of course," Rose said, "We aren't saying that he's incapable of validating you Rey we're just wondering if you're making a sacrifice you're unaware of, this seems like it's gonna come back to bite you."  
"Look not that it's any of your business but we're getting there, okay? He kissed me, and he held me while I slept and these are big things for him, he's taking leaps with me okay? And we're almost there you'll see."  
"Rey, that's the point. Just because he's there today doesn't mean he will always be there, it's not a level you unlock in a video game and can play anytime you want, it's day by day and some days it means starting over from zero."  
Rey felt her eyes sting.  
"You're both drunk, I don't know why you can't support me finding someone I care about."  
"Rey please," Finn said, "we just don't wanna see you get hurt."  
"Well, too late," Rey said as she stood up and wandered back to her bedroom. She slammed the door.

She wasn't tired at all now, her mind spinning along with the room a little bit, she was replaying the words of her friends over and over. What did they know? They didn't know Ben, they didn't know their relationship.

She opened her texts to Ben.

Rey  
I know it's late, but are you up?

She pressed send. She was buzzed, buzzed texting her not quite boyfriend. But something inside her was roiling, she needed some kind of confirmation that he was into her, fuck it if Finn was right, she was starting to panic that this was one sided. She had never been with someone who didn't want to fuck her immediately and she had been telling herself that it didn't matter but she was worried now that maybe it did.

Ben  
Yeah, I can't sleep either. What are you up to?

Rey  
Nothing, just got back from work, just laying in bed. I was thinking about you, were you thinking about me too?

Ben  
Most of the time tbh

Rey felt her cheeks flush, blood moving under her skin and brought a hand down under her dress to touch herself through her underwear.

Rey  
You have no idea how much it effects me when you tell me things that

Ben  
Tell me how much

Rey  
It makes me wet

She pressed send quickly and closed her eyes. She had no idea how Ben was going to take this. She wondered if without the pressure of eye contact and physical touch, if he might open up more, one more step in the right direction. Or he would ignore her forever. Her phone buzzed quickly.

Ben  
Are you touching yourself?

Rey's stomach flipped, she dipped a hand into her underwear, texting one handed.

Rey  
Yes, wish it was you, your fingers are so much bigger.

And then, because she had to:

Rey  
If you don't want to do this Ben I understand, I just thought it might be fun... but I don't want to make you do anything you feel weird about.

She had to have some kind of disclaimer, had to give him an out.

Ben  
I love this, please don't stop

Rey smiled wide, biting her lip.

Rey  
Are you hard?

Ben  
Yes, have been since since before you texted me. I was thinking about when I was watching you dance, every flash of your white panties.

Rey  
Did you get hard then too?

Ben  
Yes

Rey felt her whole body contract at his words, she slipped two fingers inside herself.

Rey  
I have my fingers inside me now

Ben  
How many?

Rey  
Two, should I add another?

Ben  
Yes, stretch yourself

Rey  
Ah it feels good, are you touching yourself too?

Ben  
Taking off my pants now

Rey  
Good

Ben  
Okay yeah, I am too

Rey  
What are you thinking about

Ben  
You

Rey  
Doing what?

Ben  
Touching me, letting me touch you, having my mouth on your tits, what your skin tastes like, how wet you'd be on my fingers

Holy shit Rey was not gonna last. She wanted to hear him, hear the slap of skin as he jerked off and the way he was probably breathing hard, panting.

Rey slipped out of her dress and bra, and she snapped a photo of herself laying in bed, tits out. She looked flush and her lips were parted and her eyes were dark. She sent it to Ben.

Ben  
Oh my god, you're perfect

Rey  
I'm not gonna last much longer, just knowing you're touching yourself is gonna make me cum

Ben  
I know, I'm close too.

Rey  
Can I call you? I wanna hear you cum so bad.

There was no immediate answer, no text bubble. Rey felt a stab of panic.

**INCOMING CALL FROM BEN SOLO**

"Hello?" Her voice was raspy and she sounded out of breath, she heard Ben groan on the other end of the line.  
"Oh thank god," she ground out, "I'm so close."  
"Me too," Ben said, and his voice was low, gravely and rough, it caught on her heart.  
Rey put the phone on speaker and moved it lower, so Ben could hear the noises her pussy made as she fingered herself.  
"Can you hear how wet I am?" She asked him.  
"Holy fuck Rey, you're amazing," Ben gasped.  
"Are you gonna cum with me Ben?" She asked him.  
"Yeah, I'm so close don't stop," he said.  
She didn't stop, she could hear Ben jerking off through the phone, the rough slap of his pace and she matched him, bringing the phone back up to her face as she started to cum. She let out little gasps, some of them Ben's name, thumb working roughly over her clit. She pushed three fingers deeper inside herself as she felt her body start to spasm.  
"Ben! I'm cumming, oh fuck," she was gasping.  
Ben groaned, "Fuck, Rey, me too, oh my god ah-" Ben's words were cut off with a groan and it was the hottest thing Rey had ever heard in her life. She pictured Ben's face, lost, his hand tight around his leaking cock, cheeks flushed and eyes bright.  
She could hear him breathing heavily, coming back down to earth and for a moment they both just lay there panting.

"Oh wow," Rey said. "Holy shit that was great."  
"Yeah," Ben said, and she could hear how sleepy he was.  
"Can I take you to dinner tomorrow?" He asked her. Rey's heart flipped.  
"Yes please, I'm off all day."  
"I can't wait, Rey."  
"Me too, Ben."  
"Good night." The line went dead, Rey put her hands over her face. See! She knew she was slowly breaking down Ben Solo. It was only a matter of time before he was so lost in her that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of her. She couldn't wait to see him tomorrow.

Sunday went by slowly. Rey was off all day so she decided to go do her laundry, buy groceries and stop by the school studio to practice.

Ben texted her at 4:07pm, just as she was packing up to head home.

Ben  
Dinner at 5:30?

Rey  
Yes where?

Ben  
Text me your address and I'll send you an uber at 5:00. You'll see 

Rey  
Can't wait <3

Rey pocketed her phone and rushed to the bus stop. She was so excited, she felt like she had really crossed a threshold with Ben. She was positive that tonight was the night they were finally going to fuck, she couldn't get the mental image of him jerking off out of her head, the little sounds he had made, how he has so boldly asked if she was touching herself. It made her shiver.

She got home and showered, curled her hair lightly, shuffled through her clothing. She settled on a pair of lacy black underwear and short black skater cut dress. She paired it with chunky black boots. She went with minimal makeup, mascara and a rose lip. She killed a half a bottle of wine while getting dressed.

By 4:50 she was tipsy but ready to go.

Ben  
Cars on the way

Rey  
I'll be outside

She grabbed her bag, sprayed her perfume on, and bolted down the stairs.

The car was waiting for her, she scrambled in and the driver took off, cutting through the park. Rey had expected to be heading downtown but the driver cut up Irving and traveled east along Golden Gate Park, cutting into the upper sunset.

"Park Chow," the driver said, and Rey thanked him. She got out of the car was met immediately by Ben, his hand out. He looked amazing, more causal than he did for work, dark black jeans and a black button down shirt, a simpler jacket than he usually wore.

Rey beamed up at him, leaning in for a kiss. He let her kiss him for a moment before pulling back with a smile.  
"I hope you're hungry, this place is amazing."  
Rey followed Ben inside, it was cozy and beautiful.  
The waiter brought them water and wine and menus and Rey could hardly sit still, she kept stealing glances at Ben. She wanted him so badly right now, it was dizzying. Rey felt high.

"What did you do today?" She asked him.  
"I ran some errands, went over some stuff for a few clients, cleaned up my apartment. Honestly very boring, until now," Ben smiled. "What about you?"  
"I ran errands too, got laundry done, went by school to use the studio space. Mr. Dameron always lets me use the space to practice on weekends. He's a great teacher."  
"That's wonderful, anything in particular you're practicing for? Do you have a show coming up?"  
Rey blushed, thinking about her audition.  
"We always do a show at the end of the year, you should come see it."  
"I'd like that, I love watching you dance. I bet seeing you on stage would be incredible." He looked wistful, smiling and soft in front of her. She reached up and pushed a piece of hair out of his eyes. Just then the waiter came over with their food.

It smelled amazing, Rey's mouth watered.  
Ben poured her another glass of wine and she smiled up at him, taking a bit of the flatbread, garlic and tomatoes and olives bursting with flavor in her mouth.

"God you know where to get the best food," she said. Ben smiled, he looked proud.

They finished dinner and Rey had a few more glasses of wine when Ben asked if she wanted to go for a walk along the park.

Rey stood close to him for a few minutes before slipping her hand into his. She was a bit dizzy. He held her hand as they walked, and as they rounded a turn, the sun was skimming low now, golden light coming trough the trees.  
Rey stopped walking and turned to face Ben. She leaned in and kissed him again, more fiercely than she normally would, letting her hands wind up into his hair. She pressed her body flush against his. It took her a moment to realize he wasn't pushing back. She wasn't giving up that easily.  
"What if we just go back to your place," Rey asked, lips dragging along the skin of his neck.  
Ben froze, his hands came up to pull her back. He looked hurt and confused.  
"Rey, I don't think-"  
"Oh come on, please Ben I want you so badly, don't you want me too?"  
"Rey it's not that don't I want you, it's not that simple. I thought you understood?"  
Rey stood back. How could he be saying this after last night? Hadn't she proven herself trustworthy, desirable, willing? What else was she not giving him, she couldn't figure it out.  
"But you don't want to fuck me."  
Ben looked at her, eyes huge and sad and he shook his head.  
"Okay," Rey took a step back, how had this gone so wrong?  
"Rey listen, it's not that I don't like you, it's hard for me to explain. I'm trying, I've been- trying."  
"Sure," Rey said, still backing away. There were tears in her eyes. She was drunk. She felt sick, like she was going to throw up.  
"No I get it, you don't want me." She huffed out a brisk laugh, "I uh, I have to go." She shook her head and she turned on her heel and walked away from him. She heard him call her name, but he didn't follow after her.

Rey was drunker than she meant to be. She was overwhelmingly sad. How had she misread this so severely? Didn't Ben tell her he wanted her? Hadn't last night proved that? Could he really only want her when he didn't have to touch her, and if so how could she ever live like that? In love with someone who couldn't stand to touch her.

No. Not in love. She was just drunk. She didn't love Ben. But the more she thought about his eyes while he watched her dance and his hand on her thigh and his lips, soft against hers, the sound of his breath then he came, the more she felt it. Fuck. She kind of loved him already, and she kept fucking it up.

Ben had said that she shouldn't want him and really it was the opposite because Ben was honest and he had his shit together and Rey was a clingy stripper with a bit of a drinking problem, he should be running from her, there was no stability that could come from loving her, there never had been and there never would be.

Rey walked all the way home, she was done crying by the time she got up to her room, where she flopped face first onto her bed and passed out.

  
Rey slept late on Monday, she didn't go to her class. She barely dragged herself out of bed in time to eat a power bar and down a cup of coffee before her shift. Ben hadn't texted her, she didn't expect him too. She was pathetic, a total nightmare. She was trying not dwell on how much of an ass she had been. Maybe it was better to let him hate her, to burn a bridge you know you couldn't help but keep crossing.

When Rey checked her emails, she had one from the San Francisco Ballet. Her stomach flipped. She couldn't open it yet, she couldn't handle more bad news right before work, not when she had just pulled it together. She closed her emails.

Rey got dressed for work without any enthusiasm. Plain powder blue underwear and matching bra. She threw a white shift dress and uggs on and headed out with Paige.

"You look terrible, wanna talk about it?"  
"No," Rey snapped.  
Paige held her hands up in mock surrender.

  
The night was slow, it was Monday, and since Ben had stopped coming to see her at work there was no thrill of waiting for something good to happen. It was just a few greasy bros who were too loud and too handsy. Rey thought for sure that was going to be that when Ms. Holdo came back to find her.

"Rey, you have a request for a private room. He's in 3."

Rey couldn't believe it, her stomach flipped. There was only one person who ever requested to see her privately on a Monday night. Maybe he didn't hate her after all, maybe he did want her, did want to say sorry, it didn't matter. Just the fact that he had shown up, made the effort at all made her heart sing.

Rey rushed to room 3 and opened the door. Her heart, which had been so high a moment ago, dropped dramatically. It wasn't Ben at all, it was Hux.

"Oh," she said, and her stomach was suddenly in knots.  
"Expecting your 'boyfriend' were you? You know he's delusional, thinks the two of you really have something. You should be upfront with him, he might be a genius with numbers but he's an idiot with women, with people really, it's embarrassing."

Rey wanted to punch Hux, or throw up, or both. How dare he talk about Ben like that? She took a deep breath, this was her job, she could do this. Silently she went over and put on a playlist, not one of hers, just a generic one. Hux leaned back on the bench.

Rey began to dance, not making eyes contact with him. She knew he moves were stiff and she didn't care.

"Why don't you come a little closer sweetheart," he crooned. Rey walked over to him, he was smirking in such an ugly way, face twisted, legs apart. She turned away from him and bent over, bringing her ass up from his lap to in front of his face, before turning around and shimmying back.  
"God you are a little dream," Hux whispered, and palmed his dick through his pants.  
"Tell me what he was paying to fuck you and I'll double it," he said.  
"What!?" Rey stopped dancing. "I would never, that is NOT my job-"  
"I saw you, all dolled up and hanging around his office, so don't lie to me. No way you're hanging out with Creepy Ben Solo without a hefty sum of money so just. Tell. Me. I told you I will double it, and I won't even make you fuck me in my office."  
Rey was seeing red.  
"I think you need to leave," she said.  
Hux was in her space, too close, one hand came up into her hair to try and pull her into a kiss. She slammed her elbow into his nose, there was a gush of blood and Hux went down. Rey moved to the door, she was shaking.  
"Ms. Holdo! He put hands on me. He tried to pay me to fuck him and when I said no he grabbed me. Get him out of here."  
"You stuck up little bitch, don't think I'm going to forget this." Hux was red faced and livid as a bouncer came to show him out.

Rey was shaking, it wasn't just about Hux coming at her, it was what he said about Ben, how cruel he had been, the knowledge that she was just another thing in his life that hurt him. She wanted to cry.  
"I need air," she said.  
"Take the night off," Ms. Holdo said, patting her shoulder.  
Rey ran and grabbed her clothes and then burst through the back door of the club. She was sobbing.

Rey  
I am so sorry, I'm such an asshole. I really need you right now.

She closed her eyes and waited. If Ben knew what was good for him he wouldn't text her back, but she was praying that he did anyway.

Ben  
What happened?

Rey  
Hux showed up, made me dance for him. He tried to fuck me and when I said no he attacked me. Ben I'm so sorry I was so awful yesterday, all of this is my fault please I just need you right now.

Ben  
Fuck. I'm on my way, just stay where you are. I'm coming, I promise.

Rey  
Back of Rebel Girls, by the dumpster.

Rey closed her eyes and cried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo all aboard the pain train! Sorry again guys but this had to happen, learning to communicate is hard! And Rey, while very into Ben and very eager to be 100% with him, hasnt been dealing with her own needs very well. Also man, Hux is the worst! I'm glad Rey elbowed him in the face, I wonder what Ben is going to do tho... hmmm. Looks like these kids have some things to work through! Also, how is Rey not dying with that email just sitting there! AH! Thank you guys so much for your love and your tumblr questions and your comments which SAVE MY LIFE on a daily basis. I am so happy to be writing this fic for the best fandom in the damn world. Thank you endlessly, pls tell me what you think!!!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heavy. Mentions of past abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse. Nothing graphic but it's there so be warned. Also good ol consentual smut hehe.

 

 __When Ben was a young boy, neither of his parents were overly affectionate. He supposed this was a blessing. But it taken him well into adulthood to realize that that his mother withheld physical affection much more for his sake than her own. He could remember falling on the playground as a little boy, his mother rushing to gather him in her arms and how much that made it worse. She didn't know how to comfort a son who didn't want to be touched. For years, they had worked to develop their own language. Leia almost never touched Ben without him giving her a cue. When he was very young he had a hand signal for it, because it was hard to find words when he was overly emotional. He had one for yes touch and one for no touch. Leia was patient with him.

Han wasn't. He never understood Ben's outbursts, and although Ben was sure his father did love him, there was more disappointment and disconnection and it tainted the water.

It had taken him years to learn the truth of Han Solo, that he was a con man and a thug, and Han had never taken the time to learn the truth of Ben.

Ben couldn't get out of bed. He didn't go to work that morning, it was the first time in three years he had called in sick. He felt like death, or like dying, some kind of slow rot. He couldn't believe how badly he had fucked up. He must have really misled Rey. He thought that she understood the safety of sexting vs the reality of touch, he thought that it was him proving that he did have those desires, he did think about, he didn't think it meant he had to act on them right away. She had been so insistent, seemed to need something from him that he couldn't give and he wasn't sure exactly what he could have done about it.

If Rey needed him to sleep with her, he would. It didn't have to be for him, he was willing to give her that if it meant she would stay with him, but the thought had turned rapidly from this exciting thing he was working toward to a finish line he would have to drag his body across. He wasn't looking forward to it anymore and that came with its own crushing weight. He thought she got it? How was he so wrong again. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

Ben's moods has always seemed to come full force, his anger, his sadness, his love, all of it unmasked and overwhelming. He was feeling more now than he had in a long time, had less control over everything. Maybe it was better to let her go. This was hard, too hard, and again his mind circled around one fact: you're not enough for her.

Ben looked over the clock, it was after 10:00pm, Rey would be at work. He could go see her, tell he was sorry, offer to sleep with her. His stomach roiled and he buried his face in his pillow. Let it go. Let it go.

He heard his phone buzz. He knew there was no way it was Rey, she was at work, so he risked a glance at it.

Rey  
I am so sorry, I'm such an asshole. I really need you right now.

Ben was confused first and concerned immediately after.

Ben  
What happened?

She was typing... She seemed upset, but if she was reaching out to him maybe it wasn't about him?

Rey  
Hux showed up, made me dance for him. He tried to fuck me and when I said no he attacked me. Ben I'm so sorry I was so awful yesterday, all of this is my fault please I just need you right now.

Ben saw red. His fists balled and he jumped out of bed. His mind was spinning. He recalled his own confrontation with Hux just a few days before, he should have warned Rey. Hux ATTACKED her? Ben was going to kill him.

Ben  
Fuck. I'm on my way, just stay where you are. I'm coming, I promise.

Rey  
Back of Rebel Girls, by the dumpster.

He jumped out of bed and pulled on his coat, not bothering to change out of the sweat pants and plain tee shirt he was in. Within seconds he was out the door.

  
Rebel Girls was only about half a mile from his place, so he ran. He made it there in about 5 minutes.

Panting, he rushed around back and his eyes found Rey. She was in a little dress and ugg boots, sitting on the stone step by the dumpster, crying into her hands and fuck, there was blood on her arms. It made him dizzy.

"Rey," he said, rushing over. She stood up, shaky, but didn't reach out for him.

"I'm sorry, I know you probably don't want to see me after how horrible I was but I didn't know who else to call and you're the only one I wanna see right now and I'm so sorry Ben, I'm so sorry."

Ben shook his head, she looked wrecked, eyes and lips swollen from crying, shoulders shaking. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest. She was so small against him, a little lamb. He stroked her hair, her back.

"You don't have to be sorry," he said.  
"Yes I do," her words were muffled against his chest.  
Ben pulled back and got down on one knee, hands on Rey's hips, holding her away from him. He was looking up and down her body, where had the blood come from?!  
"What did he do to you? Show me, Rey I promise you I'm going to kill him."  
Rey kept her hands still on Ben's shoulders, not gripping him, cautious, he realized.  
"He didn't hurt me, just tried to force himself on me. I elbowed him in the nose...there was a lot of blood but it was a his. He accused me of sleeping with you for money," her voice broke on the words and she was crying again. "He told me he would double it. I told him to fuck off, he didn't like that."  
Ben was shaking. He stood up slowly, fists balled so, so tightly. He couldn't think of anything besides slamming his body into Hux, knocking all of his teeth out.  
"I'm going to fucking kill him," Ben spat out.  
"Ben please don't," Rey whispered, she was shaking. She didn't understand, he wasn't going to stop. He hated Ben, he did this to get at him, not because of Rey. He had put her in this danger.  
"Come home with me, please?" Ben said.  
Rey nodded, coming to stand beside him. She didn't touch him now, holding her body a few inches away. He could feel her shaking. He reached down and took her hand in his, he could feel it sticky with blood. They set off into the night.

The walk back to Ben's apartment was slower than his sprint to the club. It took them more than ten minutes, and when they got inside Rey was shivering.  
"Do you wanna take a shower?" Ben asked her. She nodded and he led her back to a guest room with an attached bathroom. He got her some towels and closed the door behind him. Once he heard the water running he went and got some clothes, a plain white tee shirt and a pair of his boxers and left them on the bed for her.

He came out into the living room and started to pace.  
Hux.  
Hux with his hands on Rey, pulling her toward him.  
Hux watching her dance, hungry eyes and wandering hands.  
Hux offering to pay her to fuck him, jesus he was going to fuck him up, nothing in the world could stop Ben from beating Hux to within an inch of his fucking life. He tugged on his hair, fought the urge to smash all of his plates. If Rey hadn't been in the next room he would have. He knew that nothing had happened but he couldn't keep the image of Hux kissing her out of his head, and worse, of her kissing him back, of Hux being able to satisfy some part of Rey that he couldn't. He was losing it, he felt his eyes sting. He wanted Hux dead.

"Ben," her voice was soft behind him. He spun around. She was wearing the clothes he left out, the white tee shirt, clearly no bra beneath it, his red boxers rolled up high on her thighs. She was toweling off her wet hair. His anger quieted, his head quieted, just his heart was hammering. Her hair was wet around her shoulders and her eyes were red.

"I think we should talk," she said. For a moment he thought she meant about Hux, but then he realized that probably wasn't whole reason she was crying. Right.

"Yeah, yeah okay." Ben moved over on the couch and Rey came to sit by him.

She was still teary-eyed. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, I know I said already that but it's the thing I want you to hear first. Also that I am so, SO crazy about you. Like, can't stop thinking about you, want to be around you all the time kind of thing."

Ben was watching her as she spoke.

"And Ben I like YOU I like who you are and I like your baggage and your issues and I just haven't been upfront about mine, so I'm going to be and then if you don't want to see me anymore after that I'll understand."

Ben couldn't think of anything that would make him want to stop seeing Rey but logically he knew he didn't have all of the information yet, and so that was subject to change. He nodded.

"My parents left me when I was really little, maybe four? They just... left me on the street. And I lived like that by myself for a while. I don't know how long, I was eating out of trash cans and sleeping behind buildings. I was so shy, so scared. I just thought they must be coming back, and I should stay quiet and nearby and wait."

Ben's heart was hammering, he tried to picture baby Rey, alone in London. It was horrifying.

"Eventually the authorities found me and they put in me an orphanage. There were hundreds of kids, nowhere to go, like a god damn Dickens novel, I can't explain to you how horrible it was. I lived there for about two years. The older kids they... they were awful."  
Rey hugged her arms around herself.  
"They would hurt me, they were always trying to get me and the only person I trusted was one of the grown ups, his name was Jim. He kind of, kept me safe. When I was six he started letting me sleep in his bed instead of mine, where people would mess with me. And he was soo nice Ben, no one had ever held me before. No one had ever touched me and so I didn't know... I didn't know what he was doing when he would put his hands down my pants."  
Rey squeezed her eyes shut.  
"It got worse, and I started to be afraid of him, started hiding from him but he was this all knowing powerful adult and I was what, not even seven? I got placed in a home a few months after that, and it just messed me up Ben I didn't ever have the right kind of affection and suddenly I was starved for it, I just needed to be held and acknowledged and the only way I knew how to do that was to act sexy, to befriend men and I hate it because it always worked. Every home I was in I could get special treatment, it kept me safe, it became a tool to barter with. A lot of them didn't touch me the way Jim did but they liked my attention, they all made me feel special. When I was eleven I came to live with my uncle. One night I tried to get into bed with him and he started crying. He told me he was so sorry, he got me a therapist, he put me in dance. I spent years coming to terms with what happened to me and I feel like most of the time I am in such a good place but there is this part of me that will always feel worthless until I can prove my worth. And my friends brought it up to me, and I started to panic that you didn't want me, and that I could never make you stay, that you were going to leave and I thought if I could get you hooked on me the best way I knew how, you would stay. And it's fucked up and I'm sorry. I don't need anything from you that you can't give me Ben. I'm gonna work on me, and if you don't want to be with me I get it, I just needed you to know. My brain is...confused. Sex and love seem so tangled to me and you don't deserve to be dragged into that."

Ben didn't know what to say, he let out a shaking breath and brought a hand to his face, it was wet. He had been crying.

Rey looked so small, so sweet and fragile beside him. He wanted to touch her, he wanted to hold her, he wanted to make her feel loved.

"That's so fucked up Rey," Ben had never been the best at comforting people, but he was trying. "No one should have to deal with that, especially not a kid. I can't imagine."  
He reached out and took her hands in his.  
"But I do know that you are so brave and so strong, and that all of these things have combined to make you this amazing person."

"Do you still wanna give being with me a chance?" She asked him, sniffing.

"More than anything, I was so sad when you left. I thought it was my fault."

Rey started to cry again, she sat up and moved closer to him.  
"No! Ben no not at all."  
"I can see that now," Ben said with a smile.  
"I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. Please I promise."

Ben thought again about Hux, about his hands on Rey, about what Rey needed, about her body under someone else's hands. His gut churned.

"I'm exhausted, I want to go to bed, and I want you to come with me. How does that sound?"  
Rey smiled a watery smile.  
"Sounds perfect."  
_______________________

Rey followed Ben back to his bedroom. She was drained, but somehow still wound tight. She felt like a coiled spring. Coming clean to Ben had been a relief, and she felt closer to him now than she ever had. She wasn't going to push, she wasn't. She wished she had gotten herself off while she was showering earlier, that would probably ease a lot of this tension. But she had been to shook up and too sad and now she was left frustrated, trying to ignore her baser instincts as she got into bed with the man of her dreams.

Ben laid down next to her, not touching her, and they were quiet. There was light coming into the bedroom from the attached bathroom, soft and warm.

"You know I do want you, Rey," Ben whispered.

Rey felt her heart contract in her chest.

"It's just, there's a part of my brain that kind of shuts down when I try to act on it and it becomes...difficult and painful and it's overwhelming. I'm just not used to it, it isn't about you I mean," Ben rolled over so his head was cradled in his hand, he was watching her, "You're perfect."

Rey rolled to face him.

"Is it overwhelming when you touch me or just when I touch you?" Rey asked. Ben looked thoughtful.  
"I don't know, usually both things are happening. But being touched is definitely more intense."

"Do you...wanna touch me?" Rey hated how nervous she sounded, but she didn't think she could take him telling her no.

"So much," he whispered.

"It doesn't have to like, be a sex thing," she said. "You can just touch me if you want, I want to feel your hands on me."

Ben looked down at her, he looked excited. He was so close, so warm, she could smell his soap and the musk of his body. She shivered.

His fingers came down to trail along her arms, raising goose flesh on her skin. She laid down on her back, letting him  
Curl up along side her, his body gently pressed against hers, groin against her hip, stomach along her side. He let his hand come down from her arm to her belly, pushing her shirt up to touch the skin of her stomach. She felt her body twitch, muscles clenching and loosening.

"Do you like it?" She asked him, the rough skin of his fingers dragging down her ribs.

"More than anything," he said.  
"It's not too much?"  
Ben shook his head, pushing her shirt up further. She sat up so he could take it off completely. Ben bit his lip as he looked down at her body, he looked like he had stumbled on a lost city, some forgotten treasure that had only been heard of in myths.

"You're amazing," he whispered, let his hand trace the skin of her tits. His fingers came up to pinch her nipple and she let out a little gasp of encouragement. Ben pressed in closer to her, letting his hand cover her entire breast, dragging his palm across her hard little nipple, and then doing the same on the other side.

Fuck, Rey saw stars when he kept her nipple in between his fingers, tugging on it, rubbing in rhythmic circles. It was sending electricity through her whole body, she wanted to touch herself so badly. She wasn't sure if Ben was trying to tease her or if he was just genuinely lost in touching her. She wasn't going to break this spell, even if it killed her. She knew she was soaking the boxers she had borrowed from him.

Ben let his hand fall lazily from her tit, nails scraping against her ribs to her hips, then the skin of her thigh. He sat up suddenly so he could use both of his hands. He came to sit between her legs, hands reaching out on both sides to touch the creamy expanse of her thighs.

Rey arched her hips up without meaning to, trying to get closer. Ben smiled and brought one large hand to rest on her abdomen, well below her belly button but too high to be really touching her, he pushed her down into the bed, his other hand coming back to circle her nipple again and god damn, he had to know what he was doing now, no WAY was this inadvertent teasing, this was beautiful torture. Rey whimpered. Ben tugged harder at her nipple before slowing down and rubbing those maddening circles again and again and again. Rey was taking shallow little breaths now.

"Oh my god Ben," she whispered. She needed more, couldn't ask for it, was going to lose her mind!

Suddenly Ben's lips were on her neck, one hand still holding her flat again the bed, one still circling slowly, slowly, slowly on her pebbled little nipple. She let out a little gasp and her hands jerked to touch him but she stopped herself, keeping them pinned to her sides. Ben should have tied her up. The thought sent another jolt through her body and she felt her pussy gush again into his underwear.

Ben was watching her so closely, his eyes overbright and lost.

"Do you think you could cum just like this? Without me ever touching your pussy?"

Rey whimpered because she had been thinking it too, the pressure of him holding her down, the lazy, ridiculous rhythm of his fingers against her swollen nipple, it was so intense, so overwhelming, she loved it. It felt like walking through fire. She had never been more turned on in her life.

"Fuck maybe, but if it doesn't work will you help me out? I've never been this wet in my life."

Ben's eyebrow shot up, she knew it was kind of a cheap trick because he was gonna wanna see just how wet she was but good, fuck she needed him to touch her. She needed it so badly.

Ben lowered his face to hers and kissed her, tongue pushing into her mouth, she raised up a bit to get closer, he was still pinning her down. She was gasping as his lips left hers to bite softly against her neck and collarbone. His fingers tugged roughly at her over sensitized nipple and she cried out, she could feel tears building in her eyes.  
"Ben oh my god, baby please," she whimpered.  
"Please what?" He asked.  
"Feel how wet I am for you."  
Ben groaned and dragged his hand from her breast to the hem of the shorts.

Rey had totally meant it when she said this didn't have to be a sex thing but that was before Ben had teased her to the edge of her fucking sanity.

Slowly, Ben came to lay down alongside her again, his hips pressed into her thigh and she could feel that he was hard in his sweat pants, it made her dizzy to think about. Keeping that intense pressure on her belly, holding her down alongside him, Ben let his fingers drag through her wet curls.

He let out a low sound of amazement.  
"You're so wet," he said.  
"Told you," Rey said.  
Ben kissed the side of her face as he dragged his fingers down her slit. She worked her hips against him, finding friction among all that slick.  
"Your pussy is so hot, like a little furnace." He whispered, pressing closer to her. He let his fingers find her clit, and then he was rubbing it fiercely. Rey let out a small scream, body arching off the bed. Ben kept his hold on her, not letting her thrash too much, she brought her hands up to her face to keep them from finding him, tugging at her hair and biting her hand.

"You look so good like this," Ben said.  
"You, only you do this to me, no one else," she panted and Ben suddenly had two of his huge fingers inside of her, her leg kicked out and she felt the fire inside of her threaten to consume her.  
He was fucking her with his hand now, pumping in and out and she could hear the sounds it made and felt tears streaming down her face and she couldn't breathe.  
"Ben I'm gonna cum," she said. Ben roughly tugged the shorts the rest of the way off her so he could watch her spread her legs, she looked down at the place where his hand disappeared inside of her. His thumb came up to rub against her clit and she was done, she felt her body contract and she could feel herself cumming, harder than she ever had, soaking Ben's hand and the sheet below her. She couldn't breath, could only feel her body transcend whatever prison it had been living in to float above them. She was sure she was screaming, she didn't care.

It was white hot, she saw stars, and then every neuron in her body was tingling, sensitive and raw. Rey knew she had tears streaming down her face, she must look fucking wrecked.

Ben was on her suddenly, his weight as much of a relief as her orgasm has been, and he was kissing her. Kissing her mouth and her face and her eyes.

"Ben, Ben, Ben," she kept saying his name like she couldn't believe he was real.  
"Can I- do you want me to?" She nodded down at him, the bulge in his pants but he shook his head.  
"No that was perfect, you're unreal," he said. "I've never made anyone cum like that."

Honestly Rey wasn't sure what exactly Ben's experience was, he had mentioned a girlfriend in college so she assumed he wasn't a virgin but she had NO idea what that was. Was it even an experience thing? Was it just a connection thing? She didn't know and she didn't care, she loved it. She loved him. So much.

"No one has ever made me cum like that," she said with a little laugh, and then more seriously, "Only you."

Ben was kissing her again, and she felt safe in his arms, safe in his bed, in his world. They fell asleep curled around each other, and Rey never wanted to be anywhere else.

_______________________

Ben woke up happy, he was curled around Rey, a small little heater. He couldn't believe he had her back, just 24 hours ago he had been convinced that she was gone forever. His happiness was immediately encroached upon by his anger. Hux. Fucking Hux. He couldn't let it go.

He had gotten lost in Rey last night, in her body, her noises, the way she arched and spasmed. He had needed to prove himself to her and to himself, prove that he could give her what she wanted and that he could enjoy it and he had, the memory made his dick twitch.

It was just that he couldn't let it go. Hux had to pay for what he did.

Rey sighed and curled against him. He had sent an email to work from his phone saying he was still sick so he could stay in bed with her this morning, but he had to get to the office at some point this afternoon. He didn't want to wake her, she looked so peaceful, like she had found peace despite everything she had told him about and found it in his arms. He didn't know what he had done to deserve this.

"What time is it?" She asked, voice rough with sleep.  
"Almost nine."  
"Shit Ben don't you have work?"  
"It's okay, I'm going in soon."  
Rey stretched beside him, rolling over and slouching off the bed to head into the bathroom. She came out a minute later, face wet and smiling.

"Last night was amazing, seriously Ben thank you."  
"I really enjoyed it, I like watching you lose control like that."  
Rey blushed. He wasn't trying to be dirty. Just honest.

Rey came and sat down, she held her phone in head.

"Okay, can I tell you a secret?" Rey asked. Ben's heart skipped. He moved to sit cross legged beside her.

"I auditioned for the San Francisco Ballet."  
Ben's eyes went wide.  
"Did you get in?! Of course you did, who am I kidding."  
"I don't know yet. They emailed me yesterday but I was so sad about how things went with you and then I forgot about it with the commotion with Hux and obviously, other things, and I didn't read it yet. I wanted to be with you when I opened it."  
"Open it." Ben said eagerly. Rey laughed.  
"Okay but if i didn't make it, you have to buy me breakfast."  
"I'm buying you breakfast either way. Open it."  
Rey clicked her phone. Her eyes were skimming the screen fast.  
"Dear Ms. Kenobi, we are pleased to offer you a spot as a soloist with the San Francisco Ballet- oh my god Ben!" Rey jumped up, she was crying but these were tears of joy. Ben rushed up beside her and pulled her in for a kiss.  
"I can't believe it," she said against his mouth.  
"I can."

  
Ben had taken Rey out for breakfast to celebrate, she had mimosas but he didn't want to drink before work. She had been so happy, just a ball of energy and light and he could almost forget, almost. But not really.

He went into his office late, responded to emails, checked over numbers and waited.  
At 5:00 he went down to the parking garage. He never drove, but Hux always did. He waited by his car.

It took Hux about ten minutes to come down and longer to realize he was being watched. He was so stupid. Ben stepped out of the shadows.

"Solo, creeping around dark places is a past time of yours, is it?"  
Ben slammed Hux against his car. His hand came up to his throat to choke him.

"You touch her again, I'll fucking kill you."  
Hux was sputtering. Ben let him go, and then slammed his fist full force into the other mans face.  
"You go to the cops, I'll fucking kill you. You know who my father is right? I'm not kidding. You have no right to touch her, she was fucking distraught."  
Ben slammed his fist into Hux again, the other man was bleeding, one eye already swollen shut.  
"Tell me you understand me," Ben spat.  
"I- I understand!" Hux screamed.  
Ben let him go, shook out his hand, and left the parking garage.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This was heavy, and hopefully beautiful! I am so thankful for you guys, I couldn't do this without you. I needed to dig deeper into Rey and these kids are getting better at communicating! YAY! Also, what does Han do?? And how Hux going to handle that asskicking he VERY MUCH earned. Stay tuned! As always, your comments literally fuel me and I need them to function. This fic is my equivalent of a hot girl posting selfies. Please validate me lmao.


	8. Chapater Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has dinner with Rey's friends and then he has Rey.
> 
> Art by beensoloo.tumblr.com and I am LOVING the beauty and the beast vibes here ahhh thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and smut bc this update took forever.
> 
> Also PLEASE look at this art that vanta-gold made me and find them on tumblr bc WOW 
> 
> https://vanta-gold.tumblr.com/post/171066588903/a-study-in-movement-by-violethoure666-ao3

 

 

Rey  
I'm going out with a few friends tonight for drinks, will you come?

Rey wasn't sure why but it felt important that her friends meet Ben. Rey had always wanted a big family, and she was very close with her friends, they were almost like siblings to her.

Rey  
No pressure though if you don't want to, I just think they would love you.

Rey had switched her shifts around to get a Saturday off so she could hang with Rose and Finn as well as Paige, who never worked Saturday's.

Rey  
You don't have to answer right now

Rey sighed. Ben wasn't answering her at all. She knew he wasn't a huge fan of social events and meeting new people but she just so badly wanted everyone to get along.

Not hearing from him immediately made her anxiety spike. Ben was an excellent texter, he was more forthcoming and honest over text, somehow funnier too. He didn't make jokes when you were talking to him, but his messages often had a wittier edge, she wasn't sure why. No eye contact maybe. More time to plan words.

Rey  
If you don't want to I'll come see you after I'm off all night

Okay, that was it. No more texts. She put he phone away and grabbed her keys and then picked her phone back up to see if he had texted. He hadn't. It had only been, like, six seconds. She groaned and put in her headphones and set out for a run.

She didn't check her messages the entire time she ran, dipping into golden gate park and navigating the narrow pathways that dipped in and out of thick patches of redwoods, twisted around cherry blossom trees and lakes of all sizes.

When she got home she drank and entire glass of water, showered, and then checked her phone.

Ben  
Maybe. I'm thinking about it.

Maybe. Maybe was a start.

He her buzzed again

Ben  
*heart emoji*

Rey smiled, she felt giddy. She grabbed her backpack and headed down to school to practice in the studio.

  
Ben finally texted her around 7:00.

Ben  
Okay. Can you come meet me first though?

Rey  
Yes absolutely I'll be over at 9?

Ben  
Okay

  
Rey showed up at Ben's house a few hours later. She was in a short red dress and black boots and a black leather jacket.

Ben opened the door. He looked...amazing. She had almost always seen him in suits, or more recently, pajamas, but he looked causal and clean cut. He was in a plain black v neck tee shirt and dark black jeans with boots and a plain black tailored jacked that was more rock concert than office building and Rey was...surprised.

"Wow, you look cool?"

"Why do you sound confused? You didn't think I was cool?" Ben looked hurt.

"No I think you're very cool," Rey said, coming in and leaning close to him, kissing his jaw. "I just didn't know you dressed it. You're always Mr. $6,000 Suits."

"I have to, that's for work."

Ben wasn't really responding to her, so she nipped at his neck and then he huffed out a little breath and turned his head to steal her lips.

"I missed you," she whispered against his mouth.

"I'm here now," he said.

Rey kissed Ben again. These were light little kisses, frantic and hurried but not deep and dirty like the way he'd kissed her the other night.

"Thank you for doing this, I know it's not easy for you. If you hate it we'll go. You can text me even when I'm next to you, it will be like our own secret langue. They're millennials they won't care if you're on your phone I promise. You can just be yourself."

Ben was nodding, his shoulders relaxed a little bit. Rey would get him through this, they could it, together.

She took his hand and they headed out.

They took an uber to Cha Cha Cha, a Caribbean restaurant in Lower Haight that had amazing sangria and tapas. Ben was fidgeting, his hands moving together rapidly. She gave him space, not touching him, it helped him think.

When they got out of the cab and she pulled him close by his jacket.

"Hey, listen," he brought his eyes to her, he could tell he was fighting to keep his eyes on her.

"You wanna go, we go. I'll be texting you. They're going to love you."

Ben nodded. He was quiet, but he looked handsome and mysterious and Rey was a little nervous too but so excited. He followed her into the restaurant.

The entire place was Santeria themed, dark and voodoo-y. The lights were low and red and Rey spotted her friends immediately, a pitcher of sangria already on the table. They cheered when they saw her.

"Hi!" She said, leading Ben over to the table where Finn, Rose and Paige sat.

"Guys this is Ben, Ben that's Finn, his girlfriend Rose and her sister Paige. Paige and Rose live with me."

"Hey I kind of live with you too," Finn said.

"Then why don't you chip in for utilities?" Paige said, feigning confusing. Finn scowled at her.

"It's so nice to meet you finally," Rose said as Ben and Rey sat down. "Rey will literally not shut up about you."

Rey blushed and said, "Rose!"

"It's true," Paige chimed in traitorously.

"Well it's nice to meet you guys too, Rey doesn't talk about you that much though."

Finn laughed as if Ben had made a joke.

"I like him," he said.

"Me too," Rey said.

She found Ben's leg under the table and squeezed his thigh. He poured them both glasses of sticky sweet sangria. It was good.

"So we know how you guys met, you're s patron of the arts eh?" Finn said.

"Finn's being sarcastic," Rey said before Ben could answer.

"Actually he got dragged into Rebel Girls by coworkers and thank god, right?"

"They had been trying to get me in there for years."

"Well good thing you waited, otherwise you might have fallen for another stripper instead of me."

Ben's eyebrows knit together, but he just said, "Highly unlikely," and took a large sip of his drink.

The good thing about Rey's friends was that they never shut up, so conversation never stalled out, allowing Ben to chime in when he wanted without the pressure to carry it himself.

Rey  
You ok?

Ben  
Ya. They're nice

Rey  
They like you

She saw ben blush a little bit, he looked over at her with sly smile.

"So what do you do Ben?" Rose asked.

"I manage stock portfolios, work in investments, lots of numbers."

"Do you like it?" Paige asked.

"Most days, I like patterns and it's sort of like a game, once you know how to play."

"God help me if I ever end up in a 9-5, I'll be the one who loses their shit and goes on a rampage." Paige said.

"Accurate," Finn said.

  
The conversation moved to dance and Rey's recent acceptance into the San Francisco Ballet.

It turned out Ben knew A LOT about ballet. Rey recalled him telling her his mother had been a dancer, but she didn't realize the implications. Ben had been behind the scenes of some amazing productions, growing up backstage and in theaters. Rey was swept up in it, and by her third glass of wine she was huddled close to Ben discussing Giselle and Swan Lake.

"My grandmother starred in Swan Lake in the 1940's."

"Who is your grandmother?" Both Paige and Rey asked in unison.

"Padmé Amadala."

Rey felt her mouth drop open.

"Wait, wait your mom is Leia Organa?" Rey said. How had she not known this? Leia was ballet royalty. When Ben said his mom was a dancer she didn't think he meant one of the most famous dancers of all time.

"Yeah," Ben said, he looked oddly nervous.

"So wait, wait, wait," Paige said, she was slurring slightly as she held up a hand.

"So your dad is.. Holy shit. Han Solo? The Han Solo?"

"Uhm," Ben said, clearly uncomfortable.

"Who is Han Solo?" Finn asked.

Rey had no idea but she could feel anxiety radiating off of Ben and the last thing she wanted was for him to feel weird.

"Guys drop it," she said defensively, and Finn looked at her wide eyed. It was quiet for a moment and then Rose clapped.

"Oh I have an idea! More wine!"

Rey and Paige cheered and Finn tracked down the waiter and the moment passed, but Rey could still feel Ben vibrating beside her. Being so close to Ben was making her lose track of her thoughts and she wanted to distract him too.

Rey pulled out her phone and texted under the table.

Rey  
I keep thinking about your hands on me

Ben looked down at his phone, she was impressed by the straight face he kept, typing quickly.

Ben  
Tell me more

Rey felt herself flush, glancing up at her friends. They were lost in drinks, but she had stayed more sober than she normally did, she wanted her wits so she could help Ben feel safe.

Rey  
I touched myself last night thinking about when you had your hand inside me, how good it felt to have you pin me down

Ben  
I thought about it too, for the last few nights actually

Ben  
The sounds you make are amazing

Rey  
You're making me wet rn lmao

Ben  
Good

Rey looked over at him, and he smiled at her, his shoulders relaxing.

Rey  
I have an idea...

Ben  
What is it

Rey squirmed in her chair, she looked at Ben, his eyes wide and waiting. She sighed and said, "Okay," before punching out a text.

Rey  
What if you tied me up?

Ben was just staring this phone, not moving, not looking at her.

Rey  
You could touch me all you want and I wouldn't be able to do anything

Rey  
I'd just be squirming under you

Ben  
Let's go home

Rey let out a laugh and looked over at Ben, he was smiling. Maybe he did know he was being funny after all.

 

  
The night had gone well, Ben seemed like he was in good spirits. Rose had pulled her aside to gush about how cute and how BIG Ben was and she and Rey had giggled like schoolgirls for a moment. It had been pleasant, and a better start than Rey expected. She was more sober than she expected to be, she was used to nights like these leaving her loose and tipsy but she felt present in body and she was buzzing with excitement.

"You were serious, right?" Ben asked her as they walked a few blocks through Lower Haight.

"Super serious, Solo," Rey said as she leaned into his side. This was getting easier, the causal touches. She wasn't nervous to take his hand anymore, to steal a kiss.

She was getting better at reading his moods now, and that helped tremendously.

Ben had been very hard to read from the moment she met him and Rey was very good at reading people. It was part of what had drawn her to him, he was a challenge, she was always guessing, and she loved that aspect of him, but being able to read him meant she could navigate his waters, she could get closer when he was more willing to accept her and give him space when he was tense and anxious.

For the first time Rey knew without a doubt that they could really do this. They could make this work.

  
_______________________

Ben had been dreading dinner on a spiritual level. He would have given anything not to go, but Rey asked and he so badly wanted this thing to work and this was going to happen eventually, right? So he went.

It wasn't horrible.

Ben couldn't say for sure if he liked Rey's friends, meeting people was so overwhelming that the best he could hope for was to get through it without looking like an idiot, which he had done. They seemed nice enough, like the kind of people he could see himself being comfortable around. Eventually.

Rey had been amazing, she seemed in sync with him in a new kind of way, and she had hardly drank through dinner.

"Thank you, by the way," he said.

"For what?" She asked him.

"Staying sober, or mostly sober. I mean it, I was way less stressed."

  
Rey pressed into his side, the way she did sometimes when he complimented her. It was a warm, nondiscript sentiment she said with her body. A yes or a thank you or a you're welcome. He hadn't liked it at first but now he craved it, it meant she didn't have the words but had all of the feelings and Ben got it.

Then he thought of something else, because it was playing on a loop in his mind and he was practical.

"I don't have any rope."

Rey smiled up at him.

"I was thinking, maybe you could use some of those fancy work ties?"

Ben felt the blood rush lower in his body.

He pressed into her side.

 

They got back to his apartment and as soon as he shut the door Rey was kissing him. She was tugging him by his jacket to his bedroom.

She sat down on his bed and pulled off her jacket, reaching down to untie her boots.

She was in a little red dress, simple makeup, hair down. She looked gorgeous. Ben took of his jacket, toeing off his shoes too.

He was feeling bold, comfortable. He wasn't sure that he was ready for her to really touch him yet, but he wasn't turned off by the idea either.

"Will you take off all your clothes and lay down?" He asked her. She flushed, nodding enthusiastically.

Ben went to the closet and found two ties he didn't care for.

Rey slid out of her dress, kicking it away from her. She took off her bra and panties quickly, scooching into the center of his bed and backing up against the headboard.

He didn't want to tie her up too fast, part of him wanted her hands on him too.

He walked over to the bed and started kissing her, she pulled him down on top of her. He was still fully clothed, one of his denim clad thighs slid easily between her bare legs. She sighed and pushed against him, her hands coming up to span his back over his shirt.

He was getting lost in her, the ties were tossed onto the bed and they were like a safe word, one that wouldn't end the fun, just bring it back down if he needed.

Her little nails scratched over the cotton covering his back, he could feel how hot her pussy was against his leg, even through his pants. She was going to leave a wet stain on him. He heard himself groan as her hands came into his hair.

Ben nipped at Rey's neck, dragging his teeth across her skin and biting softly like she always did to him. She wrapped her legs around him bringing him closer.

He could feel her entire body curling against his and he loved it. He needed more.

"Put your hands up," he said.

Rey did so immediately, eager to obey him. He grabbed one of the soft silk ties and began to fasten her left wrist to the wooden pole along his headboard.

"I'm not making it tight, you can get out if you want to."

He tied her other hand up. True to his word the ties were loose enough that if she wiggled her hand, she could slip out of them, but they were tight against the headboard so she could pull all she wanted.

Rey was panting, Ben sat back to look at her and oh shit. He couldn't believe this was real. She was so perfect, her chest flush and her legs squirming as she tested the restraints.

"Holy fuck Ben," she whispered.

He leaned down and kissed her again before bringing one hand down to her pussy to see how wet she was. It was amazing, Rey was always so wet. Or she was around him, at least. The thought made his chest swell.

She pushed her hips against his hand, trying to get friction. He wasn't giving it to her yet. He liked teasing her, seeing how far he could push her and what noises she would make.

She was so soft, it was unbelievable how one person could have so many different textures. The inside of her mouth, the scrape of her tongue, the feeling of her hair between his fingertips, the soft skin on her neck and her stomach and her thighs, the rougher, hotter walls of her pussy which clenched and moved.

He trailed his hands down her body, from her neck down to her chest where he took both nipples in his hands and twisted lightly. She strained against the ties around her wrist and Bens heart rate doubled.

He bowed his head so he could slip one nipple into his mouth. Rey's hands jerked, the headboard rattled gently and spurred Ben on. He worked his teeth lightly over the pebbled nub before moving to the other one, licking and blowing and biting softly.

Rey was panting, legs squirming. Ben straddled her thighs, letting his weight come down so she couldn't kick out, and went back to her tits.

"Fuck yes," Rey said, pushing her body against his weight in a desperate attempt to squirm and writhe, he wasn't having it.

"You can't move," he said simply, it was just a fact, he wasn't trying to talk to dirty but Rey moaned and he felt himself flush. He was hard in his jeans. He had been hard when he had touched her earlier in the week but he was a bit more... desperate now.

He hummed along her skin, dragging his mouth lower onto her stomach, kissing her naval, and then her hip bone. He sucked hard at the place where her bone stuck out, leaving marks. He liked seeing the red splotches pop up under his lips, wondered what color they would bruise to on her skin.

He slid further between her legs , holding both of her thighs so she couldn't kick, and sucked spots into her inner thigh too.

"Fuck Ben," Rey wasn't really coherent, she was mumbling curses and his name every few seconds, body trembling under his hand. He could smell her arousal. Ben would have liked to drag her to the edge of the bed so he could kneel on the floor, it would be a better angle, but he could do it like this.

Ben had never eaten someone out before. His heart was a hummingbird inside his rib cage.

Tentatively, he swiped his tongue across the flat of her sex, letting it slide between her folds.

She tasted a little bit salty and warm and delicious, it was like concentrated Rey right into his bloodstream. It was a strange duality of wanting and not wanting again but Rey let out a strangled little cry and he lifted onto his elbows to see her. She was red and panting and her eyes were huge and dark, lips swollen and parted and she looked wrecked, totally at his mercy. He wanted this to be good for her he wanted to show her that they had a real shot of making this work, he so badly wanted to please her and satisfy her.

He ducked his head back down.

He found her clit and began to lick at it, feeling it harden beneath his tongue. Another little gush from Rey's pussy and he pushed two fingers inside of her quickly. He was still holding her down by one thigh but she could arch up a little bit now and she did, pressing herself closer to his fingers and his face.

Ben wanted to fuck her, he knew that he could now too, if he pulled his dick out and lined up she wouldn't tell him no, but he also knew that when he fucked her for the first time he didn't want her tied up, he wanted her all the way in his arms and this mood was...different.

He grunted and pulled back, wiping his face on his arm and absentmindedly palming himself through his jeans with a little huff.

"Are you hard?" She asked him.

"Fuck yes, are kidding me look at you."

How could he not be?

"If you don't want me to touch you, are you gonna touch yourself?"

Ben's face flushed, his ears going red. He hadn't thought about getting himself off in front of her. He thought about her hands and her mouth on him and he thought about fucking her because in his fantasies he had far fewer reservations.

"Do you want me to?" He asked.

"More than literally anything," Rey said.

Ben let out another little huff of breath.

"Will you untie me so I can touch myself too?"

The mood was, yet again, different. The idea of Rey touching herself in front of him was overwhelming in how appealing it sounded.

Ben moved to help her slip her hands out of the restraints. He took her wrists and kissed them. They weren't bruised but they were red.

"How do we?" He trailed off.

"Clothes off," Rey said as she moved from the center of the bed to the left side, leaving room for him to lie next to her.

He pulled off his shirt and quickly slid out of his pants. He was left in just his white briefs for a moment before he tugged those off too. His cock was hard and red, it bobbed against his stomach now that it was free.

Rey looked hungry.

Ben came back to bed and laid next to her. He thought about reaching for the lotion he kept in the table but he had a better idea. He pushed his hand back into Rey's pussy and she let out a startled little gasp. Once his fingers were wet he brought them to his dick and began to stroke himself.

She was laying right next to him, shoulder to shoulder, inner legs tangling on the bed.

"This is the hottest thing I've ever done," she said. Ben leaned down to kiss her. Coming up to pant against her cheek.

"Fuck you're amazing," he said.

He watched Rey with wide eyes as she rubbed her clit.

He was jerking off fast, he slowed his pace down, the slapping noise of his hand against his dick calming as he let his eyes drink in Rey. She was so perfect, her hand between her legs, biting on her lower lip, little tits bouncing as she fucked herself with her fingers.

"You're cock is huge Ben, and so pretty. I could cum from watching you even if I wasn't touching myself," Rey said, her voice was low and close. She leaned over and kissed the side of his mouth.

"And your hand around it, fuck you have no idea how long I've wanted to see that. First time you came to watch me dance I thought you were gonna get off and I was shaking just thinking about it, and that was before-" she trailed off with a little gasp. She pushed her fingers deeper into herself and he could hear how wet she was.

Fuck, every word she said was bringing him closer to the edge, he was panting, little gasps falling from his lips without meaning to.

"Rey I'm gonna cum," he said.

She kissed him again and then pulled back so she could look into his eyes. She was fingering herself frantically. Ben could tell she was keeping herself right on the edge so she could cum with him.

"Do it, come on Ben, you can cum on me."

Fuck, he hardly had time to roll over before his vision was whiting out and his body arching toward her. He let his cum spurt out into her hipbone, the same place her had marked her with his mouth. As soon as the thick ropes hit her skin Rey was cumming too, head thrown back and mouth parted.

Ben pressed his face into Rey's neck, kissing her jaw and her ear. Rey let her hands wander down to where Ben had cum on her, trailing her fingers through the sticky mess. Ben shivered as he watched her, he took her face between his hands and pulled her in for a real kiss. After a minute, he leaned over and grabbed his shirt, bring it up to wipe first between Rey's legs and then at her hip bone, cleaning the cum off of her.

She rolled onto him, head against his chest and leg thrown over his, naked and close and Ben loved it. He loved the closeness. Everything was perfect.

  
Ben woke up to his phone vibrating on the nightstand. The clock told him it was 3am.

He answered blindly.

"H'lo?" His voice was rough from sleep.

"Ben, it's mom."

"Mom? What's wrong? It's the middle of the night-"

"I need you to come home, it's...it's your father. He's in trouble."

Ben sighed deeply, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Okay," he said and he hung up.

"Everything okay?" Rey asked.

"No," ben sighed, and found her face in the darkness, laying down beside her again.

"How do you feel about coming with me to New York? I need to go see my parents."

Rey squirmed closer to him.

"Yes! When?"

"Tomorrow."

"Youre serious?" Rey asked.

Ben nodded.

"Okay," she said. "Lets go to New York."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I am so grateful for the response to this fic. It means so much to me when youguysbtell me personal stories or that you connect with these characters I've created. I am so thankful for you guys, your words mean more to me than you could understand!! Let me know what you think!!!


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben go to New York.
> 
> Please checkout vanta-gold.tumblr.com for some amazing Reylo artwork and companion pieces for this fic. Thanks for all the inspo darling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh very light age play? Like just Rey roleplaying an innocent high schooler while "hanging" w Ben in his childhood room. Idk.

March in California was always pleasant, even in chilly San Francisco. It was all cherry blossoms and hot tea and foggy mornings burning off to sunny afternoons.

Rey quickly learned that March in New York was somehow still winter. None of the magical, Nora Ephron type Christmas in the city, anything can happen! vibes at all. It was cold. Colder than California in December. How did people do this? It reminded her sourly of London.

The trees didn't have leaves yet and everything was gray. The sidewalk, the sky, the steel of the skyscrapers.

It had an unusual beauty to it though, even in the grayest moments, an energy that was electric. Rey felt like she was wide awake. She was also very nervous about meeting Ben's parents.

For his part Ben didn't seem nervous about the introduction of Rey, but he seemed nervous about being around his parents in general and seemed to relish the idea of Rey there with him.

"You just make me feel calm," he had told her the other night when he asked her to come, laying in bed beside her.

In the Uber from the airport Rey leaned against Ben, enjoying how he allowed her to crowd his space in these small moments, she knew what it cost him.

"What are your parents like?"

She knew a bit about his mother, but only because she had been one of the most famous dancers in the country. She knew nothing about his father except for Paige had jumped upon hearing his name at dinner. Rey had texted her and asked about the reaction but Paige wasn't giving her anything to go on. She'd just said "he's your boyfriend, you ask him," and left it at that.

"My mom is...intense but very loving. She's high energy, she likes to feed people and make plans and she's very good at public speaking, she's always been a figurehead in every community she's a part of."

"She sounds lovely," Rey said.

"She is," Ben nodded.

"And your dad?"

Ben's face darkened. He tilted his head, mouth open, searching for the words. She let him find them.

"It's complicated. My dad is incredibly smart, but it's not the same way I'm smart. Not even the same way my mother is. He gets into trouble, and he expects other people to deal with it for him or to just accept his shitty choices. He doesn't take responsibility. And he's always been disappointed in me, he never got me."

Ben didn't say it with any kind of intense emotion like sadness or anger, he explained it the same way he explained shifts in the global market or what foie gras was (gross) and Rey felt a strange sadness for the lonely child Ben must have been.

Rey took his hand in hers and she felt him press against her. She marveled at that small miracle, that he wanted to be closer to her, that her touch seemed to calm him more than stress him now that she could read him better and understand when he was open to it.

Ben was quickly becoming her favorite language.

Her favorite everything.

Ben's mother had a beautiful brownstone on Prospect Park West, right against the park. Ben told her that his dead didn't live there anymore, but they were still married and still close, especially financially. Ben had grown up in that house.

The first thing she noticed was that Leia was small, smaller than Rey. Ben was absolutely giant next to her and Rey had the an uncomfortable and intrusive thought about how he LIVED inside of her body at one point and HOW could he have ever been small enough to do that and then she was being hugged and looking into a face that clearly spawned her son because they had the same expression and dark velvet eyes.

"It's so nice to meet you, you have no idea. Ben never brings home girls, seriously this is a miracle."

"Mom," Ben looked uncomfortable but in an absolutely adorable way and Rey was secretly relishing in Leia telling her that she was different, that she was special, so she leaned over and gave Ben a quick kiss on the cheek and he smiled and Leia threw her hands up in delight.

Rey could understand it, even the difference in Ben's demeanor since she had met him was alarming, his mother would surely be on overload watching her son blush at being kissed and leaning into someone else and holding hands.

"I am just so happy you two are here, Ben take your stuff and put it in your room."

Ben took both bags from Rey and shuffled them down the hall.

"I own the building but we rent the downstairs unit out, always have," Leia said.

"It's absolutely beautiful, I've never been to New York before."

"Well March isn't October or May, both great times to come back by the way, we can talk about the spring, but it will have to do for now. Do you want coffee? I know it's past noon so Ben won't touch it but I'm making some if you want."

"That sounds wonderful," Rey said as she followed Leia into a bright and clean kitchen. There were photos on the wall, she stopped and stared at pictures of the Solo's as a family, Leia and Han looking young and bright eyed, little Ben, never smiling for the posed shots, but laughing wildly in some of the candid ones.

Ben ambled back to the kitchen to join them, his voice making her turn from the photos.

"Where is dad?"

Leia stiffened, shooting a look over at Rey. She seemed to be debating wether or not to ask her to leave and decided it would be too rude so she just pushed on.

"He's being temporarily detained."

"So, jail?" Ben asked.

Leia waved a hand.

"It's more like... Lando thinks it's best to just lay low until we can provide evidence proving he had nothing to do with this, and then he's going right to Judge Ackbar who you know I am close with, and everything will probably just-" she did another little hand motion, "disappear."

Rey was confused. Han was in jail? For what? Who was Lando and what did this have to do with Ben anyway? She didn't want to pry.

"So that's why I'm here," Ben said.  
"Evidence."

Leia put down two coffee mugs a little less than gently, pouring coffee.

"He needs your help," she said.

Ben just nodded, Rey could tell this wasn't anything he hadn't already guessed, he would have been way thrown off by something coming out of left field and he just looked resigned. This must not be new, must be exactly what he expected.

"Sure mom," Ben looked almost relived.

"Ben, he is coming by tomorrow, you know, to go over everything with you."

Ben stiffened at that, shaking his head a little bit.

"It would be better for everyone if we could do this remotely, I don't mind being here if I need to but I was under the impression I wouldn't have to see him, just you."

"Ben he's your father, come on," Leia looked pleading. Rey could feel Ben starting to spiral. She put a hand on his arm and saw him close his eyes, focus on her touch.

"We can talk about it tomorrow. Lets just enjoy tonight, okay?" Ben said after a pause.

Rey was relieved but Leia looked absolutely shocked. She was looking back and forth between Rey and Ben and the place where she had her hand on him and she looked like she had seen a ghost. She was speechless for a moment, just nodding, eyes going soft.

"If you'll excuse me for a little bit," she said and wandered off down the hall, leaving her coffee untouched.

When she had gone, Ben turned toward Rey and tucked her into him, chin coming up to pull her head under his neck in a rare display of true affection. Rey softly kissed his the skin of his jaw and felt his pulse slowing under her lips after a few minutes.

"Okay," he said, "lets go see New York."

 

Rey was surprised to find that she liked the city, even cold and grey. She walked with Ben down the slope to 7th avenue where they got food at a little diner and then they went down to the subway and rode into the city. The train curved along a raised track where she had a view of both Brooklyn and Manhattan and she was awestruck by the tight knit capacity of the city and the way it pushed right up to the edge of the river.

They had to transfer trains and Rey had no idea where they were going until they popped up above ground in what was clearly a downtown area.

"What's over here?" She asked.

Ben took her hand and led her down a few short blocks before stopping outside a store called The Strand Bookstore.

"My favorite bookstore," he said.

It was amazing, tight aisles and multiple floors jam packed with books about anything you could think of. She and Ben spent hours flipping through books about dance and poetry and politics and ghosts. It turned out Ben read A LOT. A lot more than Rey did.

He was enthusiastic about so many titles, letting his hands fly up in excitement when he found something he loved and Rey was falling, falling, watching him like she was starving and he was her favorite food.

They spent two hours pouring over books before finally making it up to the counter with arms full. Ben bought all of the books and Rey didn't argue. He looked so happy.

With heavy bags, they returned to Leia's house around 5:00 and she told them to get ready for dinner.

"Dress up, I have a surprise!" She said.

Ben stiffened and glared at her. He didn't like surprises, Rey knew.

He didn't say anything though, just took Rey's hand and led her back to his room.

Once they were inside he closed the door. Rey spun around, taking everything in.

It was smallish, with a full sized bed and dark blankets. The walls were covered in posters and pictures. Two batman posters, a Green Day poster, the insert from several CDs, unfolded to show lyrics from Nirvana and Elliott Smith and Sufjan Stevens. Pictures of old planes from WWII and playing cards. It was such a wild contrast from the clean, sleek look of his apartment in San Francisco. She felt like she was looking into someone else's head.

She picked up a batman figurine.

"I was kind of a dork," Ben said.

"Was?" Rey teased, coming over to kiss him. Ben smiled and shrugged.

Rey went over to her bag and fished out a dress. It was a simple black dress, long sleeved and collared but short enough to fall just above her knees. She took of the sweater she had on and shimmied out of her jeans before looking up at Ben. He had an odd expression on his face.

"What?" She asked, straightening up in just her underwear and bra.

"It's just... wow I have never had a girl in here, let alone someone beautiful and naked who- I just-" he broke off with a little chuckle.

Rey felt herself blush, she looked around Ben's room and reached back to unhook her bra.

"Do you like seeing me here?"

He nodded, swallowing heavily. She walked over to him and pressed against his chest, her tits rubbing against his shirt.

Ben's hands came up quickly to touch her breasts, thumbs rough against her nipples.

"I have an idea," she whispered.

Ben looked back at the door behind them and at her with raised eyebrows.

"Not that, not now anyway we don't have time but..." She trailed off and handed Ben her phone.

Rey went over to Ben's bed and laid in the center of it, propping herself up on her elbows.

"Take some pictures of me," she said.

Ben's eyes almost jumped out of his head, his mouth was open.

"Rey, are you sure?"

"Yes silly come on," she said.

Ben raised her phone and began to snap pictures of her. Rey posed, sultry and sexy, letting her tits jut out, putting a hand between her legs and biting her lip, and then flipping over onto all fours, panty clad ass facing Ben as she looked over her shoulder with fuck me eyes.

She got off the bed giggling and took the phone from Ben.

"Perfect," she said looking through them quickly. She didn't even see Ben lean down to kiss her until he was in her space and she was laughing against his mouth at his enthusiasm, nibbling his plump lower lip and letting her hands push through his hair. She pulled back breathless.

"Later," she promised, and went over to get dressed. Ben, flushed and bright eyed, turned to do the same, unable to keep the smile off of his face.

Rey texted him a few of her favorite photos, he had taken a lot, and winked.

 

  
The had dinner at a beautiful restaurant in Manhattan called Rustic Table.

"So tell me about yourself," Leia said once wine had been poured.

"I'm a dance major at SF state," Rey said.

"A dancer! What kind of dance?"

"I was actually just accepted as a soloist with the San Francisco Ballet, I start rehearsal next week."

Leia beamed at her, then cut her eyes to Ben.

"You didn't tell me she was a ballerina," Leia said.

Ben shrugged sheepishly.

"So what do you do for work?"

Rey was never shy about telling people what she did, but she looked over at Ben, almost for permission, and he nodded enthusiastically.

"I uh, I work as a stripper actually."

Leia's eyes widened a bit but her voice was soft when she spoke.

"It must be nice to get to dance for work as well," she said.

Rey felt immense relief. She so badly wanted Leia to like her.

"I love it honestly, it's a good place to work and I have a lot of freedom with my style. It sure beats making lattes."

"You should be very proud of yourself Rey, the San Francisco Ballet is prestigious."

"I am beyond honored, I didn't think I would make it."

"Of course you would," Ben said.  
"You're amazing."

Rey beamed at him.

"I gotta tell you Rey I don't think I've ever seen Ben so relaxed around another person. It's incredible," Leia said.

Rey blushed.

"He brings out the best in me too."

They ate dinner and talked amiably about dance and music and life in the different cities.

"We better hurry, the show starts soon!"

"Show?" Rey asked.

"We're seeing Kinky Boots," Leia said with a smile and Rey felt her eyes widen. She had never been to a Broadway play.

The show was fantastic, the music upbeat and the dialogue hilarious and Rey had more fun than she could ever remember having at a performance.

"I can't thank you enough," Rey said as they loaded into a car to head home.  
"This was one of the best days of my life."

Leia smiled.

"I'm glad, New York is fun if you know how do it right."

They got back home and Leia excused herself to go to bed with a kiss on each of their cheeks.

"I'll see you in the morning," she called as she headed off to her room.

"Are you tired?" Ben asked.

Rey nodded, she was exhausted. Ben took her hand and led her back to his old bedroom.

They changed into soft pajamas, Ben in flannel pants and tee shirt and Rey in shorts and a tank top and brushed their teeth side by side in the bathroom and crawled into bed. Rey was overwhelmed with the domesticity of it, something about coexisting like this made her heart warm.

She slid closer to Ben, letting her body slide over his, leg over hip and arm on chest.

"What was Leia like as a mom?" Rey asked.

"She really tried. I wasn't an easy kid, you know? I was angry and big and very hard to control. She was patient with me for the most part but I don't think she ever really understood me."

Rey pushed closed to him.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be. I had a mom who tried, I'm not complaining about it."

"Your dad though?"

Rey didn't want to ask about what was going on with Han, not right now, but she was still so curious about him.

"Different story." Ben's words were clipped.  
"He never even tried to understand me."

Rey was quiet for a minute.

"I'm trying, I think I'm getting good at it actually, understanding you."

"You are," Ben said and he pulled her closer so he could kiss her. It was tender, searching, it made her feel like she was opening up some tightly locked thing inside of her that was too big to be contained.

How many ways were there to love someone? How many different ways were there to feel the enormity of it?

She made a little gasping noise against his lips, and his hands came to her hips to pull her more fully against him. She moved so she was straddling him. She could feel the outline of his dick under his pants and her shorts, two little layers creating friction.

She slotted herself so that her center was on his hipbone and her thigh was resting over his rapidly hardening cock.

"Rey," he said, pulling back to look at the door.

"It's locked, we'll be really quiet."

He looked at her doubtfully and she giggled.

"Okay how about just this," she ground down on him again, watched as his eyes fluttered.

"We don't have to get naked or do anything else we can just," she moved her hips again, "stay like this for a little bit."

Another slow grind against him.

"Unless you don't want to?" She asked, lifting her hips a little bit to give him an out but he grabbed her hips and pulled her back down.

Rey smiled wickedly. She lowered her hips against him and started to move gently back and forth.

"You like dry humping a hot girl in your childhood bedroom?" She asked.

"Fuck, yes," Ben said and his voice was low, it seeped into her skin. She was feeling playful. She took a risk.

"Can you imagine if everyone from school knew what we doing in here? That dorky Ben Solo scored the hottest girl in his grade?"

She felt his dick twitch under her leg, straining for her. He liked it. She kept going.

"No one can know, but I'll stay quiet," she said, leaning forward to whisper in his ear.

Ben pulled the pillows from her side of the bed behind him so he could sit up a little with her in his lap, he sucked a mark into her neck and pushed his hips against her, putting pressure on her clit.

"Fuck Rey," he whimpered.

"I'm saving myself until after graduation," Rey whispered, "but I think about you when I touch myself, whenever I see you in class holding a pencil between your thick fingers, I wish they were inside of me."

Ben's hips were pushing against her steadily now, little imitation fucks, she could feel how hard he was through his pants and against her bare thigh and she used the weight of her body to put more pressure on him. Ben made a noise low in his throat and she was so wet, she was sure she was gonna soak right through her shorts.

"Do you think about me too?" She asked him, keeping her voice high and innocent.

"All the time," Ben said and Rey felt her stomach flip because he sounded so honest, it wasn't a line at all.

"What do you think about?" Rey kept her hips moving in small circles against him.

"I think about touching your tits," he said, brining a hand up to pinch her nipple through the cotton of her tank top. Rey shivered. Ben's other hand was steady on her hip but it moved down to her ass to push her closer to him. He let out a little gasp.

"I think about your ass, I love when you're in jeans, your ass is so perfect. I think about what it would be like to fuck you, push you up against a wall and make you say my name."

Holy fuck.

"Ben," she panted and he arched up to kiss her. Her movements were getting sloppy, her clit pressed right against his hip bone so she every time she slid against him it sent a jolt through her.

Ben was panting, his hair was sticking to his forehead and his mouth was open, lips wet.

"Are you gonna cum just from this?" She asked him, bracing her hands on his shoulders for leverage, tits bouncing under her shirt.

Ben nodded, head rolling to the side as he closed his eyes.

"Me too, I didn't know it could feel so good, didn't know just touching your body could get me off like this," there was real wonder in her voice because Rey hadn't done this since high school and she could not for the life of her remember why because this was amazing.

"I can feel how hot your pussy is," he groaned, "can feel how wet."

"Fuck Ben," Rey whispered, slanting toward him to kiss him again. She really was close. So was he, judging by the stuttering movement of his hips. She started moving faster, she wanted to feel him cum against her leg.

She nipped at his jaw and his hands tightened on her hips, fingers digging bruises into her and he let out a strangled little noise, red faced and beautiful in the darkness.

Rey felt the wet heat along her bare thigh, her shorts had ridden way up, and she brought her hand down to touch the place where his cum has soaked his pants and then she was cumming too, so overwhelmed by his body's visceral reaction to her.

She brought her hand to her mouth, the same one she had pressed into his cum, to bite down on her fist as she groaned, jerking against Ben. She could taste him on her skin and the mere fact of it made her cum harder, longer.

Fuck.

She slumped forward against him and he caught her for a kiss, lazily pushing his tongue into her mouth and tangling his fingers into her hair.

"I think I dreamt you," he whispered against her mouth, "you can't be real. You were made for me."

The possessive tone, so unlike Ben, made her shiver against him. She had to bite her lip to keep the words from falling out of her mouth because he was right, she was made for him, they were made for each other.

She loved Ben Solo.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very good at words and I am absolutely speechless because the response to this fic has just been wow. I know there hasn't been much dancing in the last two chapters, once they get back to SF there will be more I promise, Rey has a lot of rehearsing to do. Also please find me on tumblr I love talking to you guys. Your comments on here mean so so so much to me I can't thank you enough for your support. More to come soon!!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angst chapter? In my fluff fic? It's more likely than you think...

Rey woke up warm and comfortable. Ben had taken off his pants once they were covered in cum and now his bare legs tangled with hers under the covers. It was warm and delicious. She wanted to exist in this moment forever.

She pressed closer in to Ben, lips running over the hard line of his jaw. His arms tightened around her, face leaning in to her touch.

"Morning," she whispered.

Ben opened his eyes slowly, blinking her into focus before a small smile spread across his face.

"Hi," he said, his voice rough with sleep.

Rey leaned in and kissed him. He looked so perfect like this, sleep soft and calm.

"I really need a shower," he said.

"I really need coffee," she said.

Rey found a robe and slipped it in over her pajamas.

"I'll trade you when you're done," she said, pressing another little kiss into his mouth.

Ben headed into the bathroom and Rey wandered down the hall into the kitchen. Leia was already there.

"Morning," Rey said happily.

"Good morning. Where's Ben?" She asked.

"Showering, I need caffeine for even small tasks," Rey said.

"I am with you on that one," Leia said, pouring Rey a cup of coffee.

"I have to say," Leia said, passing her the mug, "I don't think I've ever seen Ben so relaxed around someone. I'm sort of in shock. I had kind of assumed this sort of thing, a conventional relationship, wasn't in the cards for him."

"I'm not sure it is conventional," Rey said, sipping her coffee.

Leia smiled, but her eyes were serious.

"I know you like him, in fact I'd be willing to bet you even love him, and I do too so hear me when I say this: you have no idea what he can be like, how hard he is to reach."

Rey felt her stomach drop. Leia kept talking.

"All his life I have tried to be close to him, to comfort, to connect, and for a long time I kept trying and trying thinking maybe I could get there. I know now that I can't. That isn't to say we don't share a special bond, that we aren't close, but my heart will always long for something my son cannot give me, or anyone, and I think you need to know that if you stick around. There will always be a part of you trying to reach him, and a part of him shutting you out."

Rey couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was always trying to reach ben but like restoring a damaged painting, every day of work brought new colors.

"Leia, honestly, we're getting there. I appreciate this but... I do love him."

Rey had never said it out loud.

"I can make sacrifices for him, I can put in the work."

"He has a temper," Leia's eyes were so dark. "He gets angry and it's blind rage and Rey...he's big."

Was she really saying Ben would hurt her?

"He wouldn't-"

"Not on purpose, no, but again Rey- You have no idea. Just promise me you'll take your own safety into account."

Rey couldn't believe that Leia was talking about Ben, her Ben, like he was a monster. She felt sick. She just nodded and drank her coffee.

________________________

Ben was nervous. He hadn't seen his father in person in more than a year, and the last time had gone badly. He was glad Rey would be there, it would keep him calmer. He didn't care if she found out what his dad was really like, or even what he himself was like, he didn't want to keep secrets from her anyway. Lying was not something Ben knew how to do.

He got dressed and made his way downstairs.

His mother and Rey were drinking coffee in the kitchen, lingering at the large wooden table and reading newspapers.

"Hey babe," Rey said, smiling wide. He liked the way she looked here, tucked into this intimate corner of his life.

"I'm gonna shower," she said, slipping out of her chair and kissing his cheek on her way out of the kitchen.

Ben looked over at his mom.

"Hey," she said, and he eyes were soft. "Thank you for coming, Ben."

"Mom, I'm happy to see you, but I don't want to keep doing this. I'm telling him I'm out."

Leia rubbed her temples.

"I know," she said. "I'm done with it too but Ben, if complicated-"

At that moment the door opened.

Han Solo was a massive presence, despite the fact that Ben's was much larger than him physically.

There was a resemblance, to both his parents, his fathers mouth and his mother's eyes, his temper and her stubbornness.

But Han had always struck Ben as so "other" and he was sure his father felt the same.

"Hey kid," Han said, a sheepish smile on his face. His left hand raising to brush through the hair on the back of his head.

"Hi dad."

"Mom told me you got a girlfriend? I heard she's cute."

She was very cute. Ben nodded.

"She's in the shower."

One of Han's eyebrows shot up.

"She's here?"

"She's lovely Han, you'll like her," Leia said with a smile.

"Oh yeah, no I'm sure I'll like her just, you know. Family stuff."

"Then talk fast," Ben said.

Han sighed and sat down.

"Look kid it's not good, the chief of police of police is retiring and the new guy is gunning for me, and Lando can only do so much from one side so I need a serious amount of cash to disappear."

Ben shook his head. His father ran the largest ring of car thieves in the country. He was pretty sure he also smuggled drugs on occasion but wanted to stay blissfully ignorant of that.

Han's crew was basically a mafia, and they had ties to some of the largest corporations in the country.

Ben single handedly took care of funneling money offshore. He had been doing it for so long, and up until recently it seemed like everyone was in on it, except for Snoke. The police, the judge, the lawyers, everyone was getting money.

"This has to be the last time," Ben said.

Han looked confused.

"Ben shit is about to hit the fan, you're not listening to me this isn't the time to pull out, buddy I need you."

Just then Rey came down the hall. Her wet hair was up in a knot and she was in light blue jeans and a dark blue top. She looked adorable.

"Wow you weren't kidding," Han said with a wide smile, "She is lovely."

Rey blushed, immediately taken by Han's charms, of course, and she stuck her hand out to meet his.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Rey."

"Han."

She came to stand behind Ben putting on hand on his shoulder.

"Rey, darling I was wondering if you would do me a favor and-" Leia started, but she was interrupted.

"Rey stays," Ben said.

He felt Rey tense behind him.

"I don't mind-" she started.

"No, I want you here. Dad I meant it. I'm out."

Ben could see that his father was angry, and his anger made him bold. They had that in common too.

"Really? Why now Ben? Just to fuck with me?"

"No, it's Snoke, he's on my back-"

"You think Snoke doesn't know what's going on? Really? Are you that oblivious?"

Rey stepped closer to Ben and he felt himself tense, he was spiraling.

"Han don't be an asshole, Jesus," Leia said.

"Are you telling me Snoke knows about the offshore accounts?"

"Snoke knows everything! You think I can keep something this big under wraps? He and I agreed it would be better if we just kept it quiet. Staying discreet is something you're good at."

It wasn't a compliment but Ben felt a traitorous stab of pride anyway.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ben said, and he could feel his temper flaring. Leia looked nervous.

"What, you think you can just throw my name around First Order and I wouldn't know?"

Ben felt his stomach drop.

"What?"

"Oh yeah, I know you beat the shit out of Hux. Didn't think that little piece of information would get back to me."

Rey pulled back, standing next to Leia.

"Ben...You didn't," she said.

Ben was definitely spiraling. It was getting harder to see and hear and he felt himself starting to rock.

Leia looked at Han imploringly but Han was angry, he could tell.

"You've got to be kidding me Ben, snap out of it."

"Han!" Leia yelled and then Ben was up, not sure what he was doing but lunging for Han.

Leia screamed, Rey screamed, and he felt his fist connect with his father jaw.

It was chaos. Ben didn't even feel himself moving. He was suddenly on the other side of the kitchen.

Then little hands were on his cheeks and he looked down to find Rey, face streaked with tears. She was talking but he couldn't hear her, she was stroking his face. He stopped moving, eyes roving over her and hands shaking until sound came back.

"Lets go, Ben let's leave, come on."

She was pulling him, he could hear again, coffee cups were smashed on the floor of the kitchen. Han was holding his jaw, Leia was crying and getting ice.

Rey was crying. He made Rey cry.

Ben felt horrible, the deepest shame, he wanted to push Rey away from him but he was drawn into her touch, her little hands on his face, her body pressing closer.

She should be running.

"Come on, please, come with me?"

What else could he do?

Ben nodded and followed her out of the kitchen and then out of the house, into the cold March morning.

_________________________

Rey got them a car and they piled into the back and she was still silently crying but Ben wouldn't speak, he was non verbal, still rocking back and forth.

Rey kept pushing her fingers through his hair, desperate to calm him down, desperate to reach him. Leia's words from this morning echoing in her head.

What if she couldn't reach him, what if she couldn't pull him back, what if he started throwing things and hitting again? She had been fucking terrified but he had calmed down right away when she put her hands on him. That had to count for something, didn't it?

Rey had found them a hotel not far from where his mom lived. She took Ben's wallet out and paid for the room. She led him upstairs to the suite. It was cozy, there was a large window overlooking a busy street and a soft bed and a TV. Nothing special but it was better than being in that kitchen, watching the air get sucked out of the room.

Ben laid down immediately, still not speaking.

Rey looked at him, so big and so vulnerable all at once. She walked over and took off his shoes, and then she knelt down by the side of the bed.

"Ben please how can I help?"

She was terrified to touch him, thinking again about Leia, about how she had been so desperate to comfort him and how he had never allowed it and she felt useless, what could she even do? She was doomed to sit here and watch him ache, and she would, but it was torture.

"Rey," he whispered.

"Yeah baby, tell me what to do."

He didn't answer right away. Her heart was so unsteady it felt like it was jumping into her throat.

"Will you lay with me?" He finally asked.

Rey felt dizzy. She nodded, climbing into bed beside him, he rolled over into a ball, pressing his ass and back against her like a little spoon and she played with his hair, rubbed his back. He was breathing fast, clearly very out of it. She wanted a handbook, some set of instructions for how to deal with this but she had nothing.

She pressed small kisses into the nobs of his spine, through his shirt. She let her fingernails drag down over his scalp and eventually she felt his breathing slow down and even out.

He was sleeping.

Rey laid in the bed next to ben and cried quiet, fast tears in the silence.

_______________________

Ben woke up slowly, groggy. His head hurt, his fist hurt. He didn't move at first, memories slowly flooding him. Han's words. His anger. His mother's scream. Rey's tears.

Fuck. He had fucked everything up. Ben had never been more embarrassed in his life. What the fuck had he been thinking, insisting on having Rey there? She had always been such a calming presence but she was no match for the emotions Han could raise in him.

He felt dread, intense and visceral. She was going to leave him. He had already ruined the best thing to ever happen to him. She had come into his life in a burst of music and she was going to leave him feeling deaf when she left.

He turned over slowly. Rey was awake, watching him.

"Hi," she said. She had bags under her eyes.

Ben closed his eyes. He didn't know how to fix this.

"Rey I'm so sorry," his voice broke.

"Ben-"

"If you want to leave I understand, I'll buy you a plane ticket out tonight, whatever you want to do I won't try to stop you."

"Ben, stop," Rey's hands were on his face again, her hazel eyes wide and open.

"Don't do that, please, I'm just worried about you. I'm not going anywhere. You're dad was an asshole, you don't have to explain right now. We do need to talk about it, but not right now. Please, don't push me away."

Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing. His mother was right, no one was safe with him. But her presence was a light he couldn't stand to live without right now so he pushed his forehead against hers.

He was being selfish, keeping her here but then her mouth was on his jaw, soft delicate kisses, calming kisses.

So he closed his eyes and held her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo this is late and it was hard to write. A lot of this was informed by recent snippets from Ben's past and it took me a minute to figure out how to work those emotions into this. Ben's family is a major trigger for him, and this is a side of Ben that Rey has to acknowledge too. I hope you guys like it, please let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was angsty so HAVE SOME SMUT.

Ben tried to just enjoy laying with Rey, to pull her close and not think about what he was sure was impending doom but he couldn't. He felt disconnected from himself and still so, so embarrassed. He couldn't believe he lost it like that in front of Rey.

She was just being polite, she was definitely going to leave him when they got back to California. Ben tried not to cry. He didn't want to look even more pathetic, but his breathing was coming fast and hard and suddenly Rey's hands were on his bare back again, tracing patterns.

"Baby," she whispered, kissing the knobs of his spine. "You're shaking."

Ben didn't know what to say. He felt inadequate. How could he have even deluded himself into thinking Rey would want to be with him? Whatever this thing was, it couldn't be permanent.

He wished, not for the first time, that he didn't just blindly believe the things people said. Maybe he had missed some clue, some piece of info showing him how done Rey really was. But all he could feel were her small dry hands on his skin, the rhythmic patterns she was tracing, and the occasional press of her lips against the back of his ribcage, the base of his spine, his neck.

"What's wrong?" She whispered.

Ben wasn't finding the words, and he felt himself start to shake more. Rey was tugging until he was facing her instead of away.

"I'm just waiting for you to leave me," Ben said.

Suddenly Rey's face crumpled and she sat up. She was in pajama pants and a tank top that was light and thin, he could see her little nipples and his eyes caught before moving back her face.

Was she crying?

"Rey?" He said softly, face scrunching in confusion.

"You think I'm gonna leave you?"

"I- I don't know. Rey I can't imagine why you're with me in the first place, and now... I mean now you know what I'm like..." Ben trailed off.

Rey was breathing fast, her eyes wet.

"I love you," she said. "That's why I'm with you, Ben, because I'm absolutely crazy about you. YOU, the real you, not the best version of you or one side of you, all of you, don't you... I mean I thought maybe you felt the same way about me even with my past-"

Ben was such an idiot. He cut her off with his mouth, pressing his lips to hers in an effort to get her to understand.

Rey loved him. She loved him.

"Rey," he whispered, pulling back and taking her face in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm an idiot."

"You're not," she said stubbornly. "You're not an idiot Ben Solo, you just need to listen to me when I tell you I'm not going anywhere, and that- that I love you. Ben I love you," she kept saying it, the words pulsing around him. No one had ever told him they loved him, not like this. His heart squeezed.

"I love you, too," he said, and his voice caught on the words, cracking.

She let out a watery little laugh and her hands were on his face and she was kissing him, smiling against his mouth.

"You don't have to say it yet if you don't want to," she whispered.

"I want to," he said, pulling her into his lap.

He loved her, of course he loved her, he had never loved anything more. From the first moment he saw her, had watched her dancing, had looked into her eyes, he had been lost. He loved Rey. So he said it again and let her kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.

 

Ben was glad that Rey didn't push further. He loved kissing her like this but he wasn't in any sort of headspace for sex. Her kisses weren't hungry and desperate like they were late at night, they were loving and easy and sweet.

Eventually they put on Netflix and Rey curled up next to him, close and warm.

"I feel bad that we're not out exploring the city," he said.

"I don't. It's freezing. And this is perfect, I just want to be with you."

He couldn't argue with her logic.

Ben felt his anxiety melting away slowly, with every little laugh from Rey and soft touch of her hands on his skin or her mouth on his. She was looking at him with bright, wild eyes and she looked in love, he could see it now. It was the same look that he gave her.

They ordered in, and after Rey spilled sauce on her shirt she got naked and he followed her, surprised when even that didn't turn into sex, just more cuddling and the feel of her soft body pressed against his.

He was very, very happy.

  
When Ben and Rey landed at SFO the next day she turned to him and asked if she could stay at his house before they had every deplaned.

"You don't need to go home?"

"I have clean clothes still and I just wanna be with you," she said, shrugging. She was looking at him with those giant green eyes and he was nodding, suddenly desperate to hold her which was impossible in the small space of the cabin.

"Yes," he said. God she could move in with him if she wanted, she should just be the his side all the time.

She smiled and took his hand.

He got them a car back to his apartment and as soon as Rey had thrown her things down in his room she was kissing him.

These kisses were hungrier.

"Hey! Do you wanna see what I've been working on? It's a new routine."

Fuck it felt like it had been forever since she danced for him. Ben nodded and went to sit on the couch.

The music was upbeat and melodic. Rey was in her yoga pants and a sports bra. She tugged her hair up on top of her head, smiling wide as the music began and she started to move.

She was spinning, pulling her leg up high, using the space of his apartment to push and pull her body in intricate and impressive ways.

Ben watched her face, flush with exertion. He was normally so caught up in the sway of her body, but tonight he couldn't stop watching her face. It wasn't that different than the way she looked when Ben had his fingers inside of her, or she was grinding against his body seeking release. Panting, wet lipped and rosy cheeked. He felt himself getting hard.

Another song came on.

_He won't make love to me now_   
_Not now, I've set the fee_   
_He said it's too much in pounds_   
_I guess I'm stuck with me_   
_He told me I was so small_   
_I told him "Water me_   
_I promise I can grow tall_   
_When making love is free_

Rey stood still, letting just her arms move first as the music started, and then she was twisting and jerking. It was so dark and it was so hot. Ben didn't know how she pulled that off. Her eyes on him were dark and intense.

The words to the song were haunting, making him think of those first weeks days with Rey, handing her hundreds at the end of the night and the way her face would fall.

She loved him now.

Ben was mesmerized. Rey's hands came up and she slipped the sports bra off, letting it fall from her fingers.

She was moving quickly now, her lean body stretching and flush, a light sheen of sweat glistening on her chest and stomach. He wanted to lick it off.

He leaned forward, enraptured.

The music changed again and she was on the floor, her body in some state between liquid and solid and then she was crawling on all fours toward him, coming to rest between his legs.

_________________________

The music had changed again and 3WW by alt-j started. Rey moved to the floor, twisting and stretching before crawling toward Ben.

One of the things she loved most about Ben was his inability to mask any of his emotions. It made reading his mood so much easier, and she knew those hooded eyes and flushed cheeks meant he wanted her.

Rey wanted to touch his dick, like, more than she had ever wanted anything. She told him she loved him. She did love him. She was dying to have him in her hands, in her mouth. She had learned that just saying what she wanted worked best with him, so she did.

"Ben I wanna touch you."

His breathing quickened, mouth opening wider.

"Uh," he said, and she could see his brain working frantically. She gave him time, swallowing thickly. She knew that he knew that she wasn't pressuring him, if he didn't want to do this he could tell her.

After an excruciating forty seconds, Ben nodded.

"You're sure?" She asked.

"Yes," he said, and his voice was so, so low.

Rey grinned wickedly, rising up to kiss him, settling herself between his legs. She took his bottom lip between hers and nibbled on it, moving to nip at his jawline and down his neck. Her hands were moving over his chest, tugging his shirt off. He pulled it over his head.

She sunk to her knees. She let her fingers dance along his skin, nails trailing between his pecs. She brought her face down to bring one of his nipples into her mouth. He jerked roughly against her and she pulled back.

"No?" She asked.

"Ah, no it's good, just a lot, sorry I-"

"Don't be sorry, please tell me if something isn't fun for you, okay, promise me?"

He nodded and she ducked her back back to his chest, slowly licking over a nipple, taking one of his hands in hers.

She had never been able to touch him like this. It was always his hands on her, distracting her. Now she had nothing but Ben, acres of skin like moonlight, all hers.

She let her teeth graze his nipple gently and felt his body quicken beneath her. She peppered kisses down his sternum, pushing her nose into the dark line of hair that started just below his belly button.

She let her breath fall hot along the hair there, kissing lower.

She moved her face back as her hands found the button on his jeans. She looked up at him and oh my god. How was it he could still surprise her with the depth of emotion playing across his face. He looked wrecked and she hadn't even touched him.

"Can I?" She asked.

"Yes," he said, so quickly she smiled, popping the button. She let the zipper fall slowly, the sound drowned out by the music but the reverberation electric between them.

She tucked her hands into his jeans and he lifted his hips so she could tug them, and his briefs, down. She moved so he could kick them off.

Rey took a moment to appreciate the absolute wonder that was Ben Solo naked. She let out a shaking little breath and snuck up to give him another kiss.

Fuck she loved him so much. She sunk back to her knees and let her fingers drag slowly over his cock.

He was big, she knew that, but it was another thing to have it in her hand. He was hard and dark red, a vein twisted along the underside of his shaft and she let her tongue run the length of it. She hummed at the taste of his skin.

She let her tongue wet him down, pooling saliva in her mouth to drip onto his dick and god, he was so breathless. Once he was wet she wrapped her hand around him again, bracing the other on his thigh as she started to pumping him.

Ben let out a breathy gasp as her hand tightened on him, working the skin upward and twisting just below the head.

"Has anyone ever done this to you?" She asked.

Ben shook his head.

"No- Ah. Just you baby," he said, eyes fluttering.

Rey's stomach tightened at the endearment, so unlike him.

"I'll make it good," she said, looking as wide eyes and innocent as she could muster with his dick in her hand, and she dipped her head to swallow him.

She had her hands on his hips and she was glad she did because Ben bucked up into her.

"Fuck sorry," he said, pulling back.

"Don't be, listen if my hands are tight don't push but once they loosen you can fuck my mouth," she said, so casually. She blushed.

Ben's cock twitched in her hands at her words and his mouth wasn't working but he nodded enthusiastically.

She took him again, her hand covering the part she didn't have in her mouth.

She let him slide down her throat, and then she sucked hard as she came back up, taking more of him each time, relaxing as she moved down.

Finally she had him almost totally down her throat, fuck he was big. She looked up at him, his head was thrown back, one hand in his hair, one gripping the couch for dear life. She loosened her hands on his hips and he didn't hesitate, his hips pushed up gently and she did her best to stay relaxed as he fucked her throat.

He wasn't being rough, but he was massive and eventually Rey did gag and the sound make his dick pulse tellingly before he pulled back, worried.

"It's okay, it happens, I'm fine keep going," and fuck her voice was so raspy and low, rough from his dick hitting the back of her throat.

Clearly Ben trusted her, because he didn't stay pulled back he pressed the purpling head of his cock against her mouth eagerly.

Rey felt herself get wet, wetter. She opened her mouth and let him set the pace, bringing her hand into her yoga pants to touch herself.

His taste, the weight of his cock, the unembarrassed string of wanton moans falling from his lips. His thighs were shaking. She moved a hand onto his hip and he slowed them, letting her set the pace again and she hollowed her cheeks to suck harder, letting her tongue find the weeping slit at the top of his dick.

Ben cried out, one of his massive hands coming to tangle in her hair and she let him push her head down, only gagging a little which didn't deter him now, thank god.

"I'm close," he grunted, and she pulled back, using her hand instead so she could really watch him, and wow.

Ben like this was almost indescribable, his eyes were wet, fuck he was crying, mouth wide and breath fast. His face was red and scrunched up and she jerked him faster.

Ben let out a delicious moan and Rey dipped her head again, swallowing him as deep as she could and then he was cumming. His hips lifted, but she angled herself so she wouldn't choke as she felt the first ropes of hot cum hit the back of her throat. She relaxed and pulled up a little she she could let it pool in her mouth. Normally she liked when guys shot way down her throat but she wanted to taste him, wanted to feel his seed hot and thick on her tongue.

She'd never heard him make that sound, so desperate and so wild. She rubbed her clit roughly and she was cumming too, swallowing down the last of his spunk.

She pulled off, breathless, and moved her eyes to his face. Ben was definitely crying.

She rushed next to him, bringing his head to her chest to hold him.

"Fuck I've wanted to do that since I first saw you," she said, pressing kisses into his damp hairline. He was shaking.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"Fuck, yes, I'm so good I'm just- sorry," his voice cracked and he pressed his palms against his eyes and Rey pulled him closer, brushing her fingers through his damp curls.

"Hey you're okay, it's okay, I know, it's intense," she said.

Ben let out a shuddering little sob, and Rey let him fall so his head was in her lap.

"You did so good, thank you," she whispered.

He turned his eyes up to her, dark and glassy.

"I really love you," he said.

"Ben Solo," she said, "I really love you too."

They had real things to talk about, things she was just starting to put to words. What his mother said, what had happened with Hux, but it didn't feel important right now.

This did.

Rey held him, letting her fingers brush through his hair until his heart slowed and his breathing evened and one his hands found hers and held it tightly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They love each other!! They still have some serious stuff to work through, but Rey figured it could wait and I didn't argue. She's been tryna get her hands on that dick for months, she earned this. 
> 
> Pls let me know what you think! I LIVE for your feedback!!!


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BIG THANKS to @black-lodge for editing this for me *hearts*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo! I added a final chapter count! Five more including this one. This fic officially updates on Fridays, it's always possible I will post sooner but you can count on Friday updates for sure from here on out. Thank you all for loving this as much as I do.

Rey started rehearsal when they got back to the city and it was brutal. Her schedule was now fuller than it had ever been between classes, work, and dance. She hadn't seen Ben in almost four days.

  
Rey had to keep reminding herself that she loves dancing, that this had been her dream for years as she soaked her feet in hot water and epsom salt. Her body was exhausted. She was sore in new places, muscles she didn't even know she had.

Rey winced as she rubbed her feet, taking a long pull from a bottle of wine.

"How you feeling?" Paige said as she popped her head into the bathroom.

"Like I got hit by a truck. I don't know what I'm going to do, Paige, I can't keep this up. Something's gotta give."

Paige grabbed the bottle of wine and took a long sip.

"You gonna cut back on your shifts?"

"I don't know. If I cut back on classes I could lose my visa, but if I cut back on work I'm going to be really tight for cash. I'm not sure I can swing it."

"Well, you can't quit the ballet, it's your dream."

"I know," Rey whispered. She just had to deal.

She crawled into bed an hour later, melting in the softness of her mattress.

Rey  
I miss you

Ben  
I miss you too, how was today?

Rey  
Long and hard and everything hurts

Ben  
I'm proud of you. You're amazing

Rey smiled, hugging her phone to her chest.

Rey  
I wanna see you but idk when I can

Ben  
I can come visit you at work?

Rey's eyes went wide. It had been weeks since Ben had come to watch her at Rebel Girls. She got an odd thrill at the idea.

Rey  
I would love that, but I'd also like to spend some real time w my boyfriend you know

Ben  
I know. Tell me how I can help

Rey  
You already do. I love you

Ben  
I love you too, try to rest

Rey  
Okay :)

She clicked her phone off and turned over, and was asleep almost instantly.

 

The next morning Rey almost slept through her alarm. She didn't have rehearsal, but she had school and work and she was already in so much pain. How was she going to get on the pole?

Class went by in blur; Rey barely kept her eyes open. She actually nodded off on the bus on the way home.

She managed to catch an hour nap before she had to be up and dressed for work. Luckily Paige was on the shift with her and was home to drag her out of bed or she might not have made it in.

She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror backstage and tried to cover the dark circles under her eyes with makeup. She looked half dead. Zombie Rey.

She sighed and headed onto stage.

She managed to dance to a few songs without her body collapsing, which was a huge win as far as she was concerned.

Her eyes kept darting to the door eagerly, reminding her of those first few weeks with Ben, waiting for him to come and see her.

She smiled at how he was all hers now.

Eventually he did come in, when she had only an hour left on stage. He bought the rest of it out and she lead him to a back room.

As soon as the door was shut, she melted into his arms.

"Fuck, I miss you," she mumbled against his mouth. His broad hands came up to her hips.

"I’ve missed you," he said.

"Ben I--I can't dance. Can we just sit?"

He nodded and they moved over to the bench where Rey gingerly pried off her heels.

"Rey," Ben said, his voice catching. He was staring at her feet.

"Ugh don't look," she said, grimacing. They were a mess, bruised and swollen and bloody.

"Rey, let me see." Ben sounded horrified.

"Honestly, Ben, this is par for the course, I promise."

His hands came up gently to pull one foot into his lap and she winced.

"Sweetheart, this is…."

"I know how it looks."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Rey felt a surge of anger. First Paige and now Ben. She tried to bite back on it, but her resolve was weak.

"It's my dream, of course I want to do it," she said, her tone clipped.

Ben looked up at her, eyes wide in his pale face.

"I know, I just don't like seeing you hurting. I--when you hurt, I feel it too."

Rey felt her anger wash out completely. She scooched up on the bench so she could kiss him, taking his bottom lip between her own before using her tongue to part his lips and let her hands tangle in his hair. One of his hands tightened on the small of her back, pulling her closer.

"I'm okay, better now that I'm finally with you," she said.

"Will you come home with me?" he asked.

Rey nodded, lips working over his jaw again. She let him hold her and gently rub her feet until the hour had passed.

Rey felt a surge of relief when they finally got back to Ben's place. She had missed it so much.

Rey went into Ben's room to grab a tee shirt and then melted into his couch as Ben busied himself in the kitchen making tea. Rey flipped through Netflix and put on a cooking show, zoning out.

Ben came back down with mint tea and she threw her legs over his lap once he was next to her and his strong hand came up to her bare thigh, rubbing small circles on her skin. The whole thing felt deliciously domestic, despite her aching feet.

They watched TV until Rey dozed off. She was awoken by Ben's hands under her, carrying her into bed.

Ben's bed was even softer than Rey's and she moaned at how good it felt to finally stretch out.

She snuggled up against Ben, turning half on her side, half on her belly and throwing a leg over his hip and her arm over his chest.

She could hear the steady beat of his heart under her ear as he stroked her hair and she fell asleep.

________________________

Ben's alarm went off a few minutes after he fell asleep. At least that's what it felt like. It would have been insufferable if not for the fact that Rey was pressed against him, solid and warm.

He pressed his face against her neck, breathing her in. She sighed and pushed closer to him, hand fisting in his shirt.

He looked down at her to find her blinking sleepily, hair messy and cheeks pink.

"Hi," he said.

"Hey, do you have to go right now?"

Ben's alarm had been set for his workout. He could skip it.

"No, I have some time if I don't go running."

"Mm, good," Rey said, kissing his neck. He shivered a little as she shifted, her hip coming up against his semi-hard dick.

Ben felt his breath catch at the contact. Like electricity shooting through him from his heart to his cock.

Ben told his dick it could wait. Rey had been so stressed out, so overwhelmed. He just wanted to make her feel good. He pushed against her shoulders, pressing her back into the bed. He worked his mouth against her neck, down to her collarbone. Her body tensed and arched against him.

Ben groaned as he pulled the shirt over her head and brought his mouth down to her tits.

He took one nipple in his mouth and another in between his fingers.

Rey's nipples were so sensitive-- he loved the fact that he could make her gasp and squirm like this. He moved a hand from her breast to her hip as she bucked and arched, pinning her down.

"Ben," she whined.

He smiled as his mouth trailed lower to the underside of her tits, dragging his teeth lower across her belly.

Rey was gasping, hands fisting through her hair.

Ben moved his mouth to suck at her hipbone; it was a favorite spot of his and he felt his body shiver when he remembered what it looked like covered in his cum.

Ben pushed his fingers into the band of her underwear and tugged them down. She lifted her ass to slide out of them.

He pressed kisses against her thigh.

"Ben, you don't have to do this," she said, her voice rough with sleep and desire.

"I want to," Ben said, because he did.

Ben used his fingers to spread her open, fascinated by how the lips of her pussy had darkened with arousal. She was so wet. He gathered some of her slick on his fingers and pushed them into his mouth.

Rey groaned, up on her elbows to watch him.

Ben loved the way she tasted. He couldn't have expected to love it, but he missed it sometimes when he wasn't with her.

He licked a stripe from the bottom of her cunt to the top, letting his tongue move against her clit. He could feel it flush with blood as he tugged it between his teeth. Ben had his hands on Rey's hips, anticipating the jerk of her body.

She was shaking, he brought his hands to her thighs and pulled her legs up onto his shoulders.

Ben was eating Rey out like he was drowning and she was air. He opened his mouth to see if he could cover her entirely, he could, and he pushed his tongue inside her. She cried out and he pulled back to replace his tongue with two fingers, pushing into her quickly. Rey let out a low and primal grunt with every thrust of his hand and her jaw was slack.

"Ben, holy fuck," she said.

Ben smirked, fucking her faster with his fingers, rising up to watch her face.

"If you keep doing that and don't touch my clit for a bit, I'll squirt."

Her voice was a whine and Ben's ears rang with her words. He brought a hand up to push against her pelvis between her hips as he fucked her hard with his fingers, careful not to touch her clit. His eyes were wide on her face, her chest as it rose and fell rapidly, her gorgeous pussy swallowing his fingers.

Rey was grunting every time he pushed into her. His own dick was hard, clearly interested in what was going on, but Ben didn't care, he was in an almost methodical headspace. He had figured out what got the most intense reaction from Rey and he was on a mission.

"Fuck Ben I'm gonna--ouch me," she rasped, and Ben brought his his thumb against her clit as he continued to fuck her with his fingers.

Rey actually screamed, her face was red and scrunched and her pussy fluttered, squeezing his hand and then it gushed.

She didn't squirt like girls did in videos, up into the air, but she absolutely flooded between her legs, a pool of cum settling into his sheets.

Ben debated never washing them. Shook the thought away. He pulled his fingers out of her slowly, as she was still whimpering.

He surged up to kiss her, and she mouthed against him eager but sloppy, drunk on whatever he had just done to her body.

"Was that good?" he asked.

"Holy shit, Ben, that was insane."

Rey had tears in her eyes, she was panting like she'd run a marathon. Ben let her grasp at him and press close to him as she tremble with small aftershocks and her heart rate slowed.

"You know you can stay here, I'll leave a key on the counter, you don't have to rush out."

Rey sighed against him.

"Thank you, for everything."

Ben shrugged.

"Of course. I love you."

  
Ben took a shower and got dressed and kissed Rey, long and tender, before he left for work.

 

Ben got to work on time. He was in a glorious mood. He couldn't stop thinking about Rey, how soft she felt underneath him, how good she tasted. Ben was smiling, too distracted to notice right away that someone was hovering in the doorway. Ben looked up and saw Hux. His blood went cold. The red head narrowed his eyes.

"Just know, your days are numbered Solo."

He walked away without another word.

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The R word gets used a slur just a heads up. If you don't wanna read this chapter I will summarize at the bottom.

Rey was crying. Her body had never felt worse, never felt so ruined. She hadn't been able to keep her eyes open in class all day and she got home shaking and sobbing and Paige called Miss Holdo and told her that Rey absolutely wasn't coming in tonight and that she would cover for her.

Rey was thankful. She made herself tea and curled up on the couch and texted Ben.

Rey  
Too sore to make it to work :(

Ben  
Are you okay?

Rey  
No. Yes. Idk.

Ben  
Want to come over?

Rey really did, she was so exhausted but the idea of being with Ben was too good to pass up.

Rey  
Yeah. Too tired to bus, gonna uber

Ben  
I'll send a car.

  
Rey's uber picked her up a half hour later and she gingerly crawled into the backseat, pressing her forehead against the cool glass.

When she finally got to Ben’s she collapsed onto the couch, wincing.

“Rey,” he said, his eyes were hard.

“I'm okay,” she said.

“You're not,” Ben said. “Tell me how I can help, please.”

“I don't know. I'm only two weeks out from my performance and I'm going to do it, then I think... I think I have to-- quit.” Her voice broke on the last word.

Ben came and crouched down on the floor in front of her.

“Listen to me, this is your dream-”

“I know that Ben! Don't you think I know? But I can't afford to--”

“Move in with me.”

Rey felt her heart squeeze.

“Ben,” she said slowly, “are you serious?”

“Yes. I miss you when you're not here, and I hate seeing you like this, and I would never ask you to stop stripping but if it's too hard right now you could take a break, just focus on school and your performance. I can help you until you finish school or-- or whatever, I can help. You won't have to worry. Just study, and dance.”

Rey's head was swimming. She felt her pride prickle around the edges, telling her she had to do this on her own but did she?

She imagined living with Ben. This space filled with her things, her books and art and collectibles and her shoes by the door and her shampoo in the shower. It would be _their_ home, it would be their bed. She could come home to him every night.

“It's-- it's a big change, I know that's hard for you, and you'd be sharing everything with me and I don't want to be in your way.”

Ben laughed.

“I love it when you're in my way, I know it will be an adjustment, I'm not promising I will do everything right but I promise you, I want to try. I want to Rey.”

They were really doing this.

“Okay,” she said, nodding.

Ben's eyes lit up and Rey realized he really hadn't been sure she would say yes.

“Yeah?”

Rey let out a watery laugh and pulled up close to kiss him.

“Yeah, now please, if you love me at all, rub my feet.”

______________________

 

Rose and Finn helped Rey and Ben move all of her stuff from her old place into Ben’s. It was… a lot of stuff. Ben had known objectively that Rey came with other things. That having her move in to his apartment wasn't the same as having her over for the night. It was good, but it was a lot, and Ben was never great with change.

He was trying not to let his panic bleed through but he also had like, no filter. Rey was watching him cautiously as they brought boxes in.

“Hey, you okay? You still wanna do this?”

“Yes,” he said, and when she she didn't look satisfied he leaned down and kissed her, letting his teeth catch her bottom lip and his hand cup her cheek and when he pulled back she was blinking at him dreamily. That always worked when Ben's words failed.

After everything was upstairs Ben ordered pizza and Rey put on music and opened a bottle of wine and poured glasses for everyone.

“Thank you guys, seriously,” Rey said, collapsing next to Finn.

“We're gonna miss you around the house,” Finn said somberly.

“Finn you don't even live there,” Rose said.

Rey laughed as Finn shrugged.

“You'll still see me, maybe even more now that my schedule won't be bananas.”

“Are you leaving Rebel Girls for good?” Rose asked.

Rey shook her head.

“No but I'm not working at all this month, I need to focus on the performance and then let my body heal and make sure I pass finals. I will probably start picking shifts up again after that.”

“I think it's amazing you get to follow your dream like this,” Rose said, eyes flitting back to Ben where he was wiping down the kitchen counter. Rey had spilled some wine without noticing.

“Me too,” Rey said, and her eyes caught his. Ben smiled.

Ben liked Finn and Rose and Paige too, the more time he spent with them the less awkward he felt.

Pizza arrived and they ate ravenously, Finn making jokes that Rey and Rose found hilarious which Ben thought was adorable and after they were well fed, their guests headed out.

Rose threw her arms around Rey tightly, getting teary eyed before telling Ben to take good care of her, and hugging him too. Ben stiffened at her embrace, but let his hands find her back after a second.

He was grateful Finn just shook his hand.

  
And then it was just Ben and Rey and their apartment.

Rey put clothes in drawers and books on shelves and she hung up a few small pieces of art, always asking if it was okay. The end result was that Ben’s carefully constructed minimalist style was now dotted with Rey’s colorful, eclectic aesthetic and he found he didn't really mind it, or rather it was a more than fair trade for getting Rey all the time.

 

Normally when Rey spent the night Ben skipped running in the morning, but he was determined not to let his entire schedule shift now that she was there all the time, so he turned off his alarm when it off at 5:00 and gave Rey a lazy kiss when she tried to pull him closer and went for a long run.

The cold morning air and the pavement under his feet, the rhythmic slam of his body against concrete, it all helped his head settle.

He was happy with the choice he made, but he was nervous too. It was one thing to spend nights with your girlfriend and another to have nowhere to go when you needed space.

He tried to think about the last time he had chosen space over time with Rey and couldn't. He smiled.

She was still asleep when he got back, she had class in a couple of hours, so he reset the alarm for her, took a shower and headed to the office.

 

Ben walked into his office and froze. He kept his office so spare and clean that anyone else would have missed the fact that it had been cleaned out.

Ben moved down the hall and back to the lobby.

“Where is my stuff?” He asked.

“Mr. Solo!” The receptionist smiled up at him. “Mr. Snoke will see you upstairs.”

It wasn't an answer, which Ben wanted to point out, but he had an overwhelming sense of dread. He nodded and headed upstairs.

  
He found Hux already sitting in Snoke’s office.

“Solo,” Snoke said, letting his voice drag out. Ben’s sense of dread was becoming overwhelming.

“What's going on?”

“I am retiring, and we are making some… changes.”

Hux looked smug.

“Have a seat,” Hux said. Ben kept standing.

“Sir, why is my office empty?”

“Because you no longer work here, Hux is going to replace me and ultimately the decision to keep you or not rests with him.”

Ben felt the ground under his feet wobble.

“Sir? I don't understand. I thought I was in line for a promotion, I've-- I've given everything to this company.”

“Oh come on now Solo,” Hux said. “You were never going to get Snoke’s job. What, did you really think we were going to hand the company over to a retard who can't even make eye contact? You’re useless to me, to everyone really. Your services are no longer needed.”

Ben felt sick. He cut his eyes to Snoke, but there was no shift in his expression.

“You understand,” Snoke said, “you're good with the behind the scenes stuff but there’s no way we could let someone like you be the face of this company. Ultimately, it's Hux’s decision.”

Ben's heart was thundering, he couldn't believe this. He felt horrible, he could feel himself starting to spiral and the last place he wanted to break down was here in this office. This was retaliation for what he had done to Hux, he was sure of it. He had no choice.

“I understand,” he said, and he turned around and walked out of the office.

  
Once Ben was outside he felt himself break down, his hands were shaking, he couldn't get his thoughts together. He didn't want to see Rey, not like this, so he waited until he knew she would be at class before going back home.

Once he got home, his anger took over and Ben slammed his fist into the exposed brick of his apartment, splitting the skin on his hand. He fell to the floor in a heap and cradled his head in his hands.

  
_________________________

When Rey got home from dance practice it was dark out. She has a bag of takeout food in her hand as she used her key to open the door to Ben’s-- to _their_ apartment. She smiled.

She stopped smiling as soon as she was inside.

Ben was sitting on the floor, he was spaced out, he looked like he had been crying and his hand-- his hand was bloody and split open.

“Ben?” She could hear her voice shaking.

He turned his face to look at her.

“What happened?” She asked.

“I got fired.”

“What?! Why?!” Rey came over and crouched down next to him, she didn't know if she should touch him, she hadn't seen him this out of it since the hotel in New York.

“Partly because I beat the shit out of Hux. Also I think this was always their plan. My boss is retiring and there's-- there's no place for me there now.”

Rey felt sick.

“You beat him up because of me, right? Is this my fault?”

“God Rey, no. This isn't your fault.”

“How can I help?” She asked, feeling her own eyes prick. He looked so defeated.

Ben didn't answer.

Rey had an idea. She began moving around the apartment quickly, she tore the cushions off the couch and dragged side tables over and got all the blankets from their bed and the guest room.

Ben just watched her.

Rey built a fort.

She piled up the rest of the blankets underneath the sheets she had secured to the side tables and the back of the couch.

“Come on,” she said, tugging his hand. He followed her, crouching down, down to crawl inside with her.

They laid down. Ben looked up at her.

“They called me a retard,” he said quietly.

Rey felt fury like she had never experienced, and angry tears began to fall.

“You're NOT a retard, that's-- Ben--” She choked off, shook her head. She brought her hands up to his face, forcing his eyes back to her, then she took his bloody hand and kissed tenderly around the wounds. He winced.

“You're brilliant, you're amazing, and beautiful and kind and- I love you so much Ben fuck them, fuck anyone who even dares--”

She had to swallow and collect herself. He was all of those things and so much more. He looked young in the low light and so, so sad.

“I'm glad you beat the shit out of Hux. If I ever see that motherfucker I will beat the shit out of him too.”

Ben smiled a little. She would do anything to make him smile.

“We're gonna figure it out, okay?” She said.

Ben nodded, and then he scooted closer to her, making himself as small as he could so he could little spoon against her. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him as close as she could, and closed her eyes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY:
> 
> Ben asks Rey to move in. He gets fired from FO after Hux takes over for Snoke. Ben is sad and Rey makes a pillow fort and holds Ben.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Everything was off. Ben knew that between Rey moving in and losing his job, he was circling a major breakdown. He felt horrible, he had so wanted to find a rhythm with Rey here, to slide into some sort of normal dance around one another. Instead it was… chaos. He was on her insane sleep schedule which varied day to day depending on if she had class or not.

He had more than enough in stock options to keep them floating for as long as they needed and if Rey’s performance went well she would be able to start with a salary in a few months. But that wasn't the problem for Ben.

The problem was everything was _off_. He felt uncomfortable, stressed out, aimless. He would lock down and spend hours doing sudoku or watching the DOW or staring at a wall and he knew it was freaking Rey out.

Worst of all, he had absolutely no sex drive.

Rey would wake up next to him, _soft_ and _pliant_ and _searching_ and he wouldn't be able to do anything except freeze. She never pushed him, but he knew she had needs he wasn't meeting and this added stressor was the cherry on top.

When Ben walked into Dr. Phasma’s office on Monday, he awkwardly explained this to her.

“Well what did Rey say when you talked to her about it?”

Ben looked at her with his mouth open.

“I--I haven't.”

“I would start there,” Phasma said, a small and knowing smile on her lips.

  
Ben went over it in his head, tried to find the best way to go about it. Some variation of words that would be gentle and apologetic and pleading.

It didn't go at all that way.

Instead, Ben walked in from his appointment to find Rey stretching on the floor and he just blurted out the first words that came into his head.

“I'm sorry I'm not having sex with you.”

Rey’s face did a complicated twist and then she was smiling, rising up from the floor to walk over to him.

She took his face in her hands.

“Ben, I don't care. Honey this has been an insane change for you, and I'm so, so proud of how you're handling it. I don't care that we’re not having sex right now, we’ll get there, I am in no rush. You don't have to apologize to me for this, baby, please.”

She kissed his jaw and leaned her weight against him.

Relief crashed over Ben like an ocean.

This, at least, was small mercy.

“Can I ask you something though,” she said, face against his chest.

Ben nodded.

“I mean, have you ever?”

Ben winced.

“Yeah but it’s been-- more than ten years I guess. I had a girlfriend in college and we did a few times but it was, it wasn't fun like it is with you. And then I used to drink a lot,” he said. He wasn't sure how to explain this.

“When I was in my early twenties, it would sort of just happen. I never really felt in control of it, I would just be out and drunk at a bar and I would wake up with someone. It was horrible, I hated it. I stopped altogether when I was about twenty two. I just figured it wasn't for me; I tried and it didn't work, my body just wasn't like that. Until you.”

“I like your body,” she said playfully, trailing her fingers along his arms. “And your brain,” she said.

Ben blushed.

That night, they watched Frozen and ate ice cream. Rey danced around the room during Elsa’s solo, dragging Ben to his feet to twirl around him. In moments like this, Ben was sure there wasn't anything that could bring them down.

 

  
The days leading up to Rey’s performance were tense. She was so busy, Ben hardly saw her. The night before the show Leia called to let Ben know that both she and Han were in town.

“We just want to watch Rey dance, if you can squeeze us in for dinner we would love that too.”

The last thing Ben wanted was to see his father, but he mumbled something about checking with Rey, who he knew would insist on seeing them.

They made dinner plans for the night after the show. Ben was _not_ looking forward to it.

 

  
Rey was a bundle of nerves on Saturday morning.   
She broke down crying during breakfast and couldn't eat, no matter what Ben tried to feed her. He even made pancakes, her favorite, but she just pushed them around her plate until they were soggy.

He felt helpless as he wished her good luck, promising to find her right after the show.

He went for a really, _really_ long run.

 

 

  
Ben didn't see his parents at the show but he knew they were somewhere in the crowd, but he had found Rose and Paige and Finn in the lobby and the four of them headed to their seats in the third row. Ben had an amazing view.

The show itself was a nearly two hours long, and Rey’s set was near the end. She hadn't let him watch her rehearse and he had no idea what to expect.

Ben liked watching people dance. It brought a sense of calm that few other things in his life did.

He watched with wide eyes as the dancers moved across the stage. Finally, _finally_ , it was Rey’s turn.

  
Ben had seen Rey dance countless times. The first time he met her she was dancing. Watching her dance was the first secret language they ever spoke, before she learned to read his eyes and his stuttering hands and the press of his shoulder, but nothing could have prepared him for the miracle that was Rey on stage.

She was beautiful, the spotlight made her glow in her white gossamer dress, gauzy and thin. She looked like a ghost. Like an angel.

The music started. Ben knew it was a Florence + The Machine song called Cosmic Love.

  
She began to dance. Her body was liquid smoke, she looked weightless and precise as she started to spin, bringing her knee up and then extending her leg out. Then she was leaping, moving gracefully up into the crescendo when her movements became erratic and glorious. She lengthened her body, every muscle pushing through.

The way she moved was unbelievable. Ben was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to touch her. He knew that every person in the audience was watching her with the same rapt attention and he couldn't believe that this magnificent creature was _his_.

The light caught on her skin, making her glow. He could see the lines of her ribs, the strong muscles of her legs, the delicate bones below her neck.

Watching Rey dance had always been an erotic experience for him, it was the thing that had ignited his love for her and he found himself breathless and trembling as he watched her now, desperate to touch her. He knew how she tasted, how her skin felt sliding against his, how her face scrunched and tightened when he pushed his fingers inside of her.

His heart was a hummingbird.

She finished beautifully, breathless and gorgeous and Ben tried to calm himself down during the final performance of the night. He couldn't stop replaying it in his head, the arch of her back, the grace with which she leapt.

As soon as the lights came on he rushed backstage.

There was a throng of people milling about and Ben had nowhere to go. He stood in the crowd clutching the bouquet of flowers he had brought. Finally, he asked one of the dancers.

“Do you know where Rey is?”

She turned her face to up him and smiled.

“You _must_ be Ben,” she said. “Rey was not kidding you are _big_.”

Ben just sort of stared at her. The girl giggled and pointed down the hall.

“Her dressing room is third on the left, she's probably--”

Ben rushed off before the girl could finish speaking.

He knocked on the door.

“Jess? That you? It's open!”

Ben opened the door. Rey was still in that gauzy dress, barefoot and pulling her hair down.

“Oh! Baby, hi. How did you even get back here--”

Ben rushed to her, setting the flowers down roughly on the counter and gathering her in his arms.

She was caught off guard, of course she was, Ben was not usually so… primal.

He kissed her hungrily, working his tongue into her mouth instantly and using both hands to hoist her up, closer. She wrapped her legs around him.

He was sucking small red spots into the side of her neck when she spoke.

“Oh my god Ben where is this coming from.”

He ripped his mouth away from her skin to look into her eyes. Her face softened when she saw him, pupils dilating and mouth parting.

“You're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, you were _phenomenal_ , I-- I can't even tell you, my god Rey, I can't believe you're mine.”

“Oh,” she said softly. Her hands were pushing through his hair, mouth working against his jaw as she spoke. “All yours.”

Ben growled, walking her backward to set her down on the counter.

“Need you,” he whispered, overwhelmed by the sheer want he was feeling, he had never felt anything like it.

“Shh, you have me baby, I'm here,” she said as Ben reached under her dress to drag her panties off.

She kicked them away and he was kissing her again, too eager, he felt like his soul was too big for his body, fighting to escape, to bleed into her.

He pushed two fingers inside of her roughly and she cried out.

“Shit, sorry,” he panted, pressing his face into her neck with a little groan.

Fuck she was so wet.

“No it's good, oh fuck Ben,” she whimpered, canting her hips down to slide deeper onto his hand. Her eyes fluttered closed but he needed them open. Needed to see her.

“Open your eyes, _Rey_ , look at me.” His voice was low and demanding in a way it never was.

Rey gasped as she opened her eyes, and the green had been swallowed almost completely by black.

“Good, so good,” he said, and he began to fuck her with his fingers, slamming into her hard. The wet sounds he was drawing out went right to his cock, which had been so hard for so long, since she stepped onto the stage. He pressed himself up against her leg where it dangled off the counter and she brought her hand down to let him rut against her palm instead.

He let out a little sound and pushed his fingers as far into her as they would go, crooking them inside of her. His eyes glued to her face. She let out a cry and brought a hand up to her mouth to bite on.

Ben growled and pushed her hand away, shaking his head.

Rey’s eyes went wide and then her back _arched_ and she _screamed_ as she came, gushing onto his hand and wrist.

The sound was electricity through Ben’s body. He gasped as he took her mouth, swallowing the last of her cries.

He pulled his fingers out of her and scrambled with his belt, shoving his pants and boxers down just enough to widen his stance again. Then he froze.

He looked up at her and swallowed thickly. This wasn't what he'd had in mind for their first time.

“Rey-- Can I?”

“Oh my god yes, Ben _please_.” Her voice was a whine.

Ben sighed with relief and lined himself up against her,

The heat was unbearable, he slid in halfway and stilled, eyes on her face. He had always been worried about not being able to read her well enough in these moments.

“Tell me if it hurts,” he begged, bringing a hand up to push through her hair. She nodded and he lifted his hips and pushed into her completely.

She was so hot, so tight, Ben sagged forward, one hand on her hip and one in her hair.

“Oh my god, baby, you feel--” his words choked off as she tightened around him, pushing against him.

He pulled back and thrusted, hard and rough. Rey cried out. He stilled and looked at her.

“Please don't stop oh my god,” she said, her voice was shaking.

Ben began to move in earnest, bringing his hips back and then rocking into her, the drag and burn of his skin against hers was intoxicating.

Rey, _his_ Rey, she looked magnificent, face flushed and eyes bright. He dipped his head to watch the place where he disappeared inside of her and whimpered.

She was stretched completely by him, body a miracle in the way she opened for him, swallowed him.

He grabbed her hips with both hands so he could pull her closer and work her body against his as he pushed, fucking up into her, his balls slapping against her ass.

Rey's mouth found his neck, teeth dragging up to his jaw.

“Love you _so_ much-- can't believe how good you're fucking me, wanted you inside me for _so_ long.”

Ben let out a series of small, huffed noises as his movements became more erratic.

He brought one hand from her hip to the place where their bodies met and began to rub at her clit. His legs were shaking, so were his hands.

“Wanna feel you come on my dick,” Ben whispered. He had never really considered dirty talk, he wasn't sure that's what he was trying to do, he just said whatever thought was in his head.

And he kept talking.

“Fuck I love you, I was so lost without you, can't believe you-- _ah_ \-- found me.”

“Oh my god,” Rey said, her nails digging into his shoulders.

He pulled back to look at her, he could feel tears on his face, didn't care. He could die like this, he didn't have space in his skin to feel this good, he was going to spontaneously combust.

“Rey, baby cum for me, _please_ \-- I need you to cum I can't-- I'm _so_ close--” he sobbed.

His words seemed to undo her, she cried out, legs locking behind him.

Watching Rey cum was always amazing but this-- this was a miracle. Pulling these sounds from her lips with his body, this was what people started wars for. He would burn down the galaxy for this, for her.

She sobbed as she clenched around him, his name on her lips and he was so done.

His orgasm clawed its way through him, white hot and dangerously intense. Every molecule in his body was humming, he had never felt anything like it. He pressed his face into her neck but she tugged at his hair, bringing his face to hers to catch his mouth. He cried out against her lips, pulling her as close to his body as he could as he fucked into her with a few frantic, final thrusts as he emptied inside of her.

He caught his breath against her neck, finally pulling out so, so slowly.

She looked absolutely blissed out, so gloriously fucked.

“I uh-- I brought you flowers,” he said.

Rey started to laugh and Ben blinked with surprise before following her, laughing against her shoulder as she ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY AM I RIGHT? God after all that h/c chapter I think we earned this, don't you? Rey is super stoked on that d lemme tell you. 
> 
>  
> 
> If you liked it, please let me know! I run on comments!!


	15. Chapter Fifteen

  
Rey woke up to the feeling of lips and light stubble brushing across her face. She smiled, rolling into Ben.

“Mmm, hi,” she said.

“Oh good, you're awake,” he mumbled and took her mouth with his, pushing lazy kisses against her. Rey melted into him, letting her fingers come up to his shoulders.

Ben slid over her. He was just in loose pants and Rey in only a t-shirt. He slotted his hips between her legs, pushing her shirt up, barely pausing to pull his mouth away. He seemed hungry for her.

Rey was a little sore from last night, but in a good way, the memory of Ben stalking into her dressing room, the heat in his eyes as he crowded her up against the counter.

She shifted under him, lining herself up so she could feel his erection against her.

Ben pushed her shirt up over her breasts and began to mouth at them.

“So perfect,” he whispered, pulling the shirt all the way off.

Rey yanked at his pants and he helped kick them off.

Ben's hand came down between them, teasing her open.

“How do you feel so good?” he mumbled into her neck.

“Feel so good,” Rey repeated, arching up against his hand. He slid two fingers in her, moving them slow and deep.

Ben kissed her, lips lazy against her mouth as he lined himself up against her.

Rey felt a shiver of anticipation. Last night had been a whirlwind. She had imagined fucking Ben so many times, but never in her wildest dreams did she expect him to be so primal, so forceful, so needy. He had looked at her like he was going to drown if he didn't breathe her in.

He was going slow now. The head of his fat cock pushed against her tender center, the reminder of their tryst last night evident as he inched into her.

Rey let her arms wrap around Ben’s neck. She pressed soft kisses against his jaw, nibbling at his skin. He let out a huffed breath against her and slid deeper. He was so thick, she felt her body stretch around him. Her legs wrapped around his hips, heels digging into his ass as she urged him closer, deeper.

“Yeah, that's it,” she whispered, “wanna feel you all the way inside me.”

Ben moaned and pushed his hips forward until he was buried completely inside of her. He stilled for a moment, lifting up on his hands to look at her. No one but Ben had ever looked at Rey that way, so unfiltered, so full of love. Rey felt tears sting her eyes.

“Baby,” she said, overwhelmed. She brought a hand up to tangle in his hair, messy from sleep.

Ben pressed his forehead against hers and pulled his hips back. He thrust into her, slow and heavy, putting his weight into it. Rey cried out, it was so good. She tightened her legs around him.

“Is this okay?” Ben asked.

Rey had realized that sometimes he needed verbal confirmation, that just reading her reactions wasn't always enough for him. She didn't mind at all.

“It feels amazing, Ben, I love having you inside of me.”

Ben let out a desperate little sound, closing his eyes for a moment before forcing them open to watch her as he began to move.

It was slow but hard, every thrust hitting some secret place inside of her. Ben grabbed her thighs and bent her legs up so her knees were by her chest.

“Oh my god you're so deep,” Rey said, biting her lip.

Ben was panting, red faced and beautiful above her.

“I love you,” he said, cradling her face with one hand.

“So much,” she said.

It was so different than their first time, slower, he was in no rush. Every time he canted his hips into her Rey let out a little encouraging grunt.

“You feel so good, so tight,” he whispered. “You were made for me.”

Rey was so overwhelmed with love, she felt her eyes water.

“Ben--” she gasped, clawing at his back. Ben groaned and dipped his head into her neck, his hips moving faster. The wet slap of his skin against hers and their labored breathing the only sounds in the room.

“Don't stop, keep fucking me, I want you to cum in me.”

Ben groaned, his hips picking up speed. He fucked into her, hips slamming.

“Rey,” he said, and he sounded desperate.

“That's it baby, wanna feel you cum,” she said, and god she did.

His face twisted into an expression that teetered between pain and pleasure. Mouth slack, eyes tight.

He stilled as he came and Rey could feel the hot release inside of her.

She stroked his hair as he collapsed on top of her, body birdcaging around her, careful not to crush her.

He rolled next to her.

“You didn't--” he said, brows drawing together.

“Ben I'm fine--” but Rey's words were cut off.  
Ben's fingers were suddenly on her, and she could feel them trailing through his cum, leaking out of her.

He started to push it back inside of her. Ben put enough distance between them so that he could watch as he fingered her, his gaze focused. He fucked his own spunk back inside of her, letting it coat his fingers. He set a rougher, more intense pace with his hand than he had with his hips, and Rey cried out, body arching toward him. Her face twisted with the shock of his brutal movements.

She let out gasping sobs. Ben's thumb hovered over her clit but didn't touch, and she strained toward him for that friction. He brought his thumb down onto her and she felt her release start to crest. Then Ben's hand was gone and Rey let out a wild cry.

“Ah, Ben!”

He was smiling. He pressed a kiss to her collar bone and waited for a few seconds before sliding his fingers back into her. Rey's heart was slamming against her breastbone.

She whimpered as his fingers began moving again. She clawed at his arms as she felt her body arch again, every nerve tingling. He was moving so fast, and he looked so focused, she was immediately on edge again. Rey whimpered, felt her body clench down again and then Ben pulled back again.

Rey felt tears slip down her face. “Holy shit, you're gonna make me-- I'm so close oh my god please.”

Ben pushed his fingers back into her brought his other hand down to work furiously against her clit and Rey was cumming.

“Oh shit!” She screamed and worked herself down against Ben’s hand.

She came hard, gushing against his hand.

She came back to earth shaking, reaching for Ben who was suddenly pressed against her. She took his hand, sticky with the combination of their combined release. She brought it up to her mouth and sucked his fingers clean, licking her way down his wrist.

Ben groaned, cupping her face.

She rubbed her nose over his, smiling and let her fingers stray through his sweaty hair.

“You're amazing,” she said.

Ben looked at her seriously. He didn't seem to eat up compliments the way most guys did, but he always heard them. Rey could imagine each kind thing she'd ever said to Ben seeping into him, warming him slowly from the inside. She scooted closer.

“Ben,” she whispered, kissing his chin. “You're so beautiful,” she kissed higher up on his jaw. “So smart.” Another kiss, this one on his temple. “So strong,” she said, lips dragging against his hairline. She kissed the edge of his eye, feeling his eyelashes against her lips. “I love you endlessly,” she said.

Ben lifted his face to kiss her, catching her mouth roughly and pulling her body tighter against his.

“Can we just stay like this forever?” Ben asked.  
“Ha! You wish. Don't forget, we're going to dinner with your parents.”

Ben groaned against Rey’s neck, and it was nowhere near as sexy as the last time he had done it, but somehow she liked it just as much.

 

Rey knew that Ben was nervous. The last time he had seen his father had been an absolute disaster. Ben had agreed to meet his father for a drink before dinner, and Rey was going to catch up with Leia. Rey figured that Han needed to clear the air before they could all sit on comfortable silence without stabbing each other.

So Ben and Rey got to the restaurant at 7:30 and Ben reluctantly let Leia sweep Rey away, although not before kissing her for longer than was necessary.

She watched his broad back and his shoulders as he settled in at the bar.

“Do you want to walk along with water with me?” Leia asked. Rey nodded happily and followed Leia outside.

She was a little nervous; the last conversation the two of them shared in private had been less than ideal.

Rey walked quietly next to Leia. The older woman sighed.

“I owe you an apology,” she said.

Rey turned her head to look at Leia.

“I'll admit I was-- jealous. You have to understand, Rey, it's been the biggest challenge of my life, trying to connect with Ben.” Leia wasn't looking at her, she was staring into the distance. “I resigned myself to the fact that Ben just didn't work like that, he was never going to let one be soft with him, comfort him through touch, through words. And then there was you.”

Leia stopped walking, turned to face Rey.

“And then there was you. I've never seen him like this, Rey; it's like he's calm and focused, everything about Ben is a little softer with you, a little sharper also. I can't explain it. I would never have believed it if I hadn't seen it. And I had to put aside my own feelings of resentment about it, that it wasn't me who was able to reach him, despite years of trying.”

Rey thought about Leia running to Han instead of Ben in her kitchen all those weeks ago.

Leia reached out and touched Rey's face and she could see Ben. In the slant of her eyebrows and the expression of her mouth and her eyes. Those same velvety, dark eyes. Ancient eyes.

“He makes me better too,” Rey said. “I can't explain it Leia but from the first moment I saw him-- I would have walked out of that club with him, I would followed him anywhere right from the start. And then it was like, you know I have these guys all over me all the time trying to touch me and Ben wouldn't, he just wanted to watch me dance.” Rey had to stop and swallow thickly, tears building fast. “I have no idea how we found each other, we shouldn't work, we’re such opposites, and yet we do. Ben has never asked me to be anything other than myself, and I hope I have done the same for him. I don't need to understand everything, I know there are times I can't reach him and times he doesn't want me to touch him, trust me, we have days like that sometimes. But it's not even like ‘I don't care about that,’ because the truth is I love it. I love that Ben is weird, I love that he sometimes starts rocking when his mind is going too fast, I love that I have to tell him that he makes me feel good because if I don't say it he will worry,” Rey was blushing, but she couldn't stop. “I love that he speaks to me with little touches and text messages when we're in public, that he feels safe behind the shield I put up between us and the world, that he is honest with me, can't be anything else, he's never lied to me about anything. We just, we work. All of the things that seem to set the world on edge around Ben are the same things that drew me to him, they're the things I love.”

Rey wiped her eyes with her hand. When she looked at Leia, she was crying too.

“I'm glad you found each other,” she said.

“Now, there's something else we need to discuss.”

Leia looped her arm through Rey’s and they set out together along the water.

 

  
Ben watched Rey leave with his mother and followed his father to the bar. Han didn't speak until they both had glasses of whiskey in front of them.

“So,” Han said. “I owe you an apology.”

Ben turned to face his father.

“Okay,” Ben said. This was new.

“I haven't been good at this whole dad thing, and I know it. You know, kids don't come with a handbook.”

“There are actually thousands of parenting books, but okay,” Ben said.

“You know what I mean,” Han said, flustered. “It's just, you were always different and it felt like no matter what I did, it was wrong. And that isn't your fault! Trust me, it's mine. You'll understand one day, maybe one day soon even, the way things are going with you and Rey.”

Ben couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his mouth. The idea of Rey pregnant, of a baby that was a mix of both of them-- he liked it.

“But I want to do better,” Han said. “I mean it Ben, I don't want to lose you. I want you to come work with me--”

“Dad, no, I can't get involved in this again, not with Snoke and Hux in the wings.”

“Fuck the First Order. I don't want anything to do with them after what happened, we can forget them. Just you and me, we start over. Come to New York.”

“Dad… Rey is almost done with school but she has the ballet, and her work here, I don't think she'd just move across the country.”

“I think life is full of surprises,” Han said. Ben narrowed his eyes. “Listen, think about it. Okay? I mean it Ben, I wanna turn this around, you and I could do good work together.”

“I'll think about it,” Ben said, running a finger along the rim of his glass, but he could see how it would go. He knew Han meant it right now, but he would tire of Ben and become exasperated like he always did, he knew it.

Han seemed satisfied with his answer, however, and the two men finished their drinks in silence.

  
Dinner was delicious, Leia was going out of her way to be soft toward him, he could tell, and Han was being good. No one fought, and halfway through dinner Ben felt Rey’s foot against his calf and caught her sly smile.

“Rey, we were so blown away by your performance, both of us.” Han said, and Rey blushed, stammering over her thanks.

Ben nursed his single glass of whiskey as Rey got red faced from her vodka sodas, but he didn't mind, he liked the way she seemed to fit in with his family, more than he ever had, and that wasn't a discomforting thought. It was like Rey was a missing cog that allowed him to connect better with his parents. She kept Ben grounded and Han civil. It was the smoothest family dinner Ben had ever had.

When they left the restaurant he saw Leia whisper something to Rey and she nodded with a smile before slipping back next to him, tucking against his side.

“Think about what I said, Ben,” Han reminded him as he followed Leia into an Uber. Ben nodded, felt Rey press against his side a little bit. The car disappeared and Ben turned to face Rey, bright eyes and a little loose limbed from her drinks with dinner.

“What was that about?” Rey asked.

“He offered me a job, wants me to come work with him.”

“Are you going to do it?” Rey asked.

Ben shook his head. “I don't know. Probably not, I don't think we would be good as partners.”

Rey leaned up and pressed a kiss against his cheek.

“What did my mom say to you?” Ben asked. Rey smiled.

“A few things. She also offered me a job.”

Ben stopped walking and faced Rey.

“What?”

“Apparently she was very impressed with my performance, and you know she's on the board for the New York City Ballet, and she offered me a spot.”

“Rey, thats-- that's amazing.” Ben was honestly lost for words.

“I told her I'd talk to you, I mean, we don't have to move if you don't want to, I'm happy here too it's just-- I mean it's the New York City Ballet--”

“We're going,” Ben said.

“What? Ben we can think about it-- I know things are tough with your parents, I would never force you to--”

Ben couldn't stand it, not kissing her. He pressed his lips against her, arms wrapping around her body.

“Rey! You're gonna dance for the New York City Ballet!”

Rey was crying and kissing him and laughing all at once.

He would figure out the Han stuff, it didn't matter.

They were going to New York.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is really late. I struggled with it. I hope you guys like it, my week has been hard and I'm super thankful for this fandom.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it ya'll. I hope you like it.
> 
> Thank you @black_lodge for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

June in New York was hot. Rey was _not_ prepared.

 

“What do you mean it gets worse than this?” she asked Ben, who just smiled and threw his arm around her as they walked down the steps to the subway.

 

They were renting an amazing loft space in Bushwick and Rey found that she liked Brooklyn, despite the humidity.

 

They walked. A lot. Like, way more than she ever did in San Francisco, but it was significantly less hilly so she figured it evened out.

 

They had gotten into the city a few weeks ago. It had been a big change for both of them and Rey had been worried about Ben, who, it turned out, had just been worried about Rey, and she had to kind of laugh at that.

 

It was a different lifestyle though, and Ben seemed slightly ill at ease around so many people all the time, but Rey had to remind herself that he was a New York native, he had grown up on these trains, on these dirty streets, alongside these gorgeous parks.

 

Sometimes he rocked on the subway. Rey thought it was cute, honestly, but she knew that Ben was self conscious about stimming at all.

 

“Baby,” she said to him one afternoon, when he was rocking back and forth, tapping his fingers in odd number sequences and looking horrified. “Don't worry about them, you do what feels good.”

 

Ben had let out a heavy breath and closed his eyes, rocking gently. Rey didn't touch him. Although she so wanted to, she knew that outside stimulation would defeat the purpose so she slipped her headphones in and stayed close and after about ten minutes, Ben locked his hand with hers.

 

When she opened her eyes he was smiling down at her, his face open and full of love.

  


They were in their new bed in their new apartment a few nights after moving when Ben said, “I _can't_ work with him.”

 

Rey felt relief surge through her entire body. She didn't want to tell Ben what to do, but she had hoped that he would make this choice for himself. She liked Han but… he didn't seem to be good for Ben.

 

“I think that's for the best,” she whispered. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

Ben nodded but he didn't speak, not at first. His jaw worked as he searched for the words. Rey scooted closer to him, tangling their naked legs. She could feel his entire body against hers and marveled at how intimacy had changed them, how she had never thought about being pressed against another person, feeling _all_ of Ben flush against her, and being content to just stay like that. Soft and warm.

 

“It's complicated, you know? I can see that he's reaching out and he's trying-- trying to fix--” Ben broke off and swallowed. Rey pushed his hair out of his face.

 

“He just wasn't nice to me, not ever. And I blamed myself for a really long time. I felt like I was broken because I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. It's why I moved so far away, it's why I-- I didn't want kids of my own you know? I thought if that's what a father is, I could never be that--”

 

“Ben,” Rey whispered.

 

“I know just-- let me get this out.”

 

He sighed deeply and Rey nodded.

 

“But I think he was wrong, you know? I think about it now-- having kids with you and I would _never_ do the things he did to me. I would never want my kid to feel what I felt. I won't mind if they are different. They won't ever have to feel bad about being different,” he said. He looked so serious but his eyes were bright with unshed tears.

 

“I know,” Rey whispered.

 

“And I care about my dad. I love him, and I think I can forgive him-- mom too-- but I can't be around him every day and I can't expect him to change, even if he says he wants to.”

 

Ben was crying a little bit. Rey leaned over and kissed his cheek. Ben's arms came up to wrap around her tightly, he was trembling.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” she said, kissing his jaw. “You're amazing. I know this isn’t easy.”

 

Ben nodded. Took a deep breath.

 

“I wanna forgive him, I really do, I want a relationship with my father. But I want him to understand what he did, too. And mostly, I just want to do better. If we have kids, I promise you, Rey, I _will_ do better.”

 

“We both will,” she said, thinking of her own parents, and then she kissed him until he wasn't shaking anymore and their kissing turned deeper and more intense and she was lost in him, they were lost in each other.

  
  
  


Rey danced with the New York City Ballet. Like… holy shit!!

 

Paige and Rose and Finn had been so sad for her to leave, but they promised to come out and visit her as soon as they could swing it. There had been a lot of tears.

 

Rey had been heartbroken to leave San Francisco but she was no stranger to change, and seeing all of dreams unfold in front of her was so surreal and wonderful.

 

The Ballet was competitive and intense but the pay was excellent and with no school or work, it meant that all Rey had to do was dance. It was amazing.

 

Leia had come by after her first day to congratulate her.

 

“You're remarkable, we’re so lucky to have you,” she said.

 

“Thank you,” Rey said, locked in a tight hug. Leia pulled back and her eyes, so much like Ben's eyes, were shining.

 

“Thank _you_ ,” Leia whispered.

 

Rey knew what she meant.

 

Rey spent a lot of time walking. A lot of times on trains. It meant a lot of time to think.

 

She left rehearsal one evening just as the sun was setting. While riding the train back into Brooklyn she looked out over the Hudson, admiring the city skyline, gentle mist hanging to the buildings. New York was so old, you could feel the spirits of millions of people who had come before. She thought about the men who built the Brooklyn bridge, what a feat of engineering it had been at the time. People thought it was impossible.

 

She thought about her own life, her own horrors and the things that had felt impossible.

 

For so long she was sure she was doomed to be nothing, to waste away, to be used by men who were dangerous and dark.

 

How strange it is to heal.

 

She thought about Ben, her Ben, and the first time she had seen him.

 

It was clear to her now when she looked at Ben that he was autistic, she could see it in the way his eyes narrowed during conversation, the way his fingers butterflied around him, tapping and shaking, in the way he would rock or miss jokes, it's almost funny to her that she didn't get it sooner.

 

The first time she had seen him she felt a rush of belonging. She never wanted to be that girl, falling for clients, but she had never doubted that what she felt for Ben was real.

 

And he had done nothing but make her a better person. Rey felt connected to someone in a way she didn't think was possible for her. She was calmer, she drank less, she listened better. Ben had supported every decision she made.

 

She was so, so lucky.

 

And she could see improvements in him too. When she thought about how uncomfortable he used to be with any kind of affection, with any kind of touch, she laughed out loud.

 

She would have stayed with him no matter what, if they never slept together she wouldn't have cared, as long as it meant she could come home to him at the end of the day and lay in bed, listen as he told her his secrets, stories of his father, things that made him scared.

 

She _loved_ touching Ben, and being touched by Ben, but for the first time in her life touch wasn’t the thing she craved most, and sex wasn't the reason Ben loved her.

 

He saw her, exactly as she was, and he loved her for that.

 

She was so overwhelmed with love, with how wide the world was, with all the ways the future could play out that she leaned against the cool class of the subway door and wept.

 

_______________________

  


Ben accepted a job doing data analysis for a tech company. He wanted a little change of pace, and it gave him yet another excuse in his arsenal for not accepting Han’s offer.

 

He hadn't told him yet. He was incredibly anxious.

 

Part of Ben was always waiting to disappoint his father, waiting to be yelled at, waiting for Han to tell him to _snap out of it_ or to _act normal for once._

 

He _hated_ how nervous he was.

 

He was sitting in a coffee shop in Park Slope, waiting for Han. He had gone over all of this in his head. He was prepared. He was just going to explain that he accepted a position with more security and that he appreciated the offer. It should be simple.

 

But it never was, not with his father.

 

Han looked old. Ben had seen him as recently as Rey's dance performance but the odd thing about not seeing him more than every few years was that he was constantly adjusting to a new version of his father. New lines, lighter hair, shakier hands.

 

It was strange to see the effects of time so blatantly. Ben looked _a_ _lot_ like his father, and watching him age was a strange taste of his own mortality. Ben didn't usually dwell on things like that, but it was hard not to, looking at Han.

 

“I thought about your offer and while I really appreciate it, I have to decline. I've accepted something else with better security, benefits, you know with Rey--”

 

“Well hi to you, too, Ben,” Han said, with an amused smile.

 

Ben blinked at him. He hadn't said hi.

 

“Hi, dad. Listen-- as I was saying--” he just wanted to get this out.

 

“Ben-- it's okay. I uh-- I get it, and I don't hold it against you.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Really?” Ben asked.

 

“Look-- it would be nice to see you all the time, I'm getting old you know, and it makes me realize that I-- I haven't been _there_ for you the way I should have been. I know I was kind of a lousy father.”

 

Ben wasn't sure if Han expected him to disagree, but he didn't and so it was quiet for a minute.

 

“I want to do better,” Han said.

 

Ben nodded.

 

“I’d like that, dad. Really I would. I think I just--” Ben thought about all the things he had rehearsed. They don't work for this conversation.  “I just need a little distance, still, and I think we both do. I want you to be in my life, mine and Rey’s, you know? But it can't be all the time, it can't be every day. I'm sorry.”

 

“You don't have anything to be sorry for, little starfighter.”

 

Ben's heart clenched at the forgotten nickname, something he hadn't heard in 25 years.

 

He swallows thickly and nods.

 

They spend the rest of lunch talking casually about cars and market trends and Rey and the trouble Lando and Han got into in Mexico last spring.

 

It's the most fun Ben has ever had with his  father.

  


The apartment was really a loft. It was and industrial space with 30 foot ceilings and massive 12 foot windows along one wall. Both Ben and Rey loved the light.

 

Rey could use the space as a makeshift dance studio and Ben set up and office and honestly, he _loved_ it. Having Rey in his old plae was nice but felt like just that; Rey in his place . This  is so undeniably _theirs_.

 

Ben unlocked the door and set his keys down. There was music playing, loud and moody, just like Rey liked.

 

Ben walked into the main space and leaned against the exposed brick, utterly transfixed.

 

Rey was nearly naked, she had just a see through cream colored slip on and as she leapt into a grande jeté he realized she had no underwear on.

 

Watching Rey dance was Ben’s favorite thing in the entire world. Sometimes he wondered if he had been sleeping before he met her. That first night in the club it was as if she crashed into his life in a blur of colors he had never seen before, or had seen but never noticed. Everything with Rey was brighter and softer and _better_.

 

He watched as she spun, and she smiled at him, pulling her leg up so her ankle brushed her cheek and her entire pussy was on display for him.

 

Ben swallowed thickly.

 

“Rey,” he whispered.

 

“Yeah?” she said, so sweet and faux innocent.

 

Ben rushed to her, dropping to his knees.

 

“Keep your leg up,” he said, and Rey held her leg. Ben let his hands find her hips and held her as he pushed his nose into her sex. Fuck she smelled so good, he groaned.

 

He could see all of her like this, part of him wanted to just stop and study her, take his time memorizing what she looked like all spread out like this, but she was so wet and she _whimpered_.

 

He started to lick her, fingers digging into her hips and she was shaking, holding onto his head with the hand that wasn't holding her leg up.

 

“Fuck, Ben,” she groaned.

 

Ben worked his tongue over her clit and her knee buckled, so he gently pulled her extended leg down to the floor and spread her legs apart.

 

He was on his knees in front of her, and fuck, there was nowhere else in the world he wanted to be.

 

Ben hadn't thought about eating pussy until Rey. He knew people did it and he wasn't put _off_ by the idea in general but it had never seemed particularly _fun_.

 

He fucking loved it now.

 

Ben pressed his nose against Rey’s clit as his tongue dipped inside of her.

 

“Oh my god, Ben!” she whimpered.

 

Ben smiled against her sex and moved his mouth to nibble on her clit again, sucking the hard and swollen button into his mouth.

 

Rey was tugging his hair, pulling him closer and he had the wild and impractical idea that he would like to climb inside of her and live there.

 

Ben pushed two fingers inside of her roughly, letting the his skin drag inside of her as he pushed and and back out. He curled his fingers inside of her until her knees were shaking and he knew he’d found the right spot.

 

“Ben! I'm gonna--”

 

Ben worked her harder and he felt it when she came, felt the hot gush of liquid against his face.

 

“Yes that's it,” he groaned, “cum on my face baby.”

 

“Oh fuck-- ah!” Rey cried out, body arching over around Ben and legs shaking. She liked it when he said thing like that, he could tell.

 

He stood and scooped her up before she could collapse completely, kissing her.

 

“Bed, now,” she whispered, her voice low and rough.

 

Ben carried her over to their bed and gently tossed her down. He unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it off. Rey got on her knees and crawled to the edge of the bed. She grabbed his belt buckle and tugged him closer, undoing the clasp.

 

Ben let his hands fall to his sides. Rey slid his belt off and the feel of it, the sound of it, so loud in the quiet room made his dick twitch.

 

Ben leaned down and kissed Rey, sliding his tongue into her mouth. Rey’s hands came up to tangle in his hair pulling him closer. He pushed his pants off, nearly tripping in an effort to get them off and get closer to her.

 

She giggled as he collapsed on top of her in just his briefs . She was still in that sheer little slip-- why were so many of Rey’s clothes see through?

 

Probably a stripper thing.

 

Or just a _having boobs like that_ thing.

 

He was _not_ complaining _._

 

Ben let his cloth covered dick slide between her hot folds and his face scrunched up at the sensation.

 

“You're so hot,” he whispered.

 

“Need you,” she panted.

 

Rey was clawing at this hips, pushing his briefs down. Ben's heart sped up at the feeling of her hands on him, and then doubled again when her fingers wrapped around his length.

 

“Oh--” he sighed, pushing his face into her neck. He was holding himself above her but turned on his side, flush against her, letting one leg drape over her as she brought her fingers to her mouth and licked them, sucking them between her lips with a wet sound, and then bringing them back down to his cock.

 

“Oh my god,” Ben panted against her neck, nipping gently at the skin there as she began to work him faster, fingers catching the head of his dick in a little twist.

 

“Ungh-- fuck, I love the way your hand looks on my cock,” Ben breathed out in a rush.

 

Rey kissed his jaw, teeth trailing across his skin and sending shivers down his spine. She pulled back to watch the way he pumped in and out of her little hand.

 

“I love it too,” she whispered, “but I need you inside me.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Ben mumbled, working the leaking head of his dick against Rey’s clit. Her body twitched under him and he groaned.

 

“Fuck, I love you so much,” he said, lining up with her center. Rey wrapped her legs around Ben and slowly slid inside of her, inch by inch.

 

Ben brought one hand to her abdomen as he sunk all the way inside of her.

 

“Fuck yes,” Rey said, pulling Ben against her. She was so tight, so hot around him, and he felt his cock twitching inside of her, body, aching to move. He took a second to get his breath back.

 

“Baby please,” Rey whimpered.

 

Ben pulled his hips back, his cock dragging along her cunt as he voided her, and then he slammed back in.

 

Rey cried out, little fingers clawing at his chest. Ben leaned down and licked her tits through the mesh shirt and she moaned.

 

“Keep fucking me,” she said.

 

Ben started pushing into her and lifted himself up to watch her face as he fucked her.

 

Watching Rey cum was a close second to watching her dance. Best case, he got to do both, one right after the other.

 

“Lemme get on top,” Rey said, and Ben slid out of her, rolling into his back.

 

Rey straddle his hips, taking the fat head of his cock and lining it up, she slipped down. Ben watched as he disappeared inside of her.

 

He had never been more connected to anyone, never thought he could be. It was overwhelming. Ben felt his eyes sting with tears.

 

“Hold still,” he said, gripping her hips tightly.

 

“Are you okay?” Rey asked, concerned.

 

“Yeah just need a minute,” he said. Rey began tracing little patterns over his chest with her fingernails and pushing his hair through her fingers.

 

“I'm okay, just, it's a lot sometimes, I love you so much and sometimes it's-- intense. Good intense but intense.”

 

“Shh you don't have to explain to me baby, I know, I feel it too,” she said, leaning down to kiss him.

 

He loosened the grip on her hips and she started to circle them, keeping him inside of her as she moved.

 

It felt good. He was so deep but the pace was slow and he could watch Rey, memorize the way her face scrunched up and her breath came in little puffs as she worked herself on him.

 

He couldn't believe that he did this to her, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and she fell apart like this for him, only for him. She chose him. Ben made a choking noise and grabbed her hips again, but this time he lifted her up before pulling her back down.

 

“Rey, _please_ , move, _please_ , fuck me,” Ben groaned.

 

Rey's eyes went wide and she arched her back, lifting her hips and pushing her ass out as she slide up his shaft, and then slammed back down.

 

She started moving fast, fucking herself against him with brutal, rough strokes.

 

“Good?” she asked.

 

Ben could only nod, eyes wide on her as Rey milked his cock.

 

He was aware of the grunting noises falling from his mouth but he couldn't care. He brought a hand up to tweak one of Rey's nipples, then arched his body so he could take the other into his mouth.

 

Rey grabbed his hair, pushing herself closer and Ben wrapped his arms around her and flipped them, taking control back. He slowed their pace, drawing out his stroke. He took his time, tantalizingly slow as he slid out, and then rough as he pushed back in.

 

Rey grunted as he bottomed out inside of her, and then gasped for breath as he pulled back and the head of his cock caught on the most sensitive place inside of her.

 

“Gonna-- Ben I’m gonna cum, please don't stop that’s-- that's so good.”

 

Her eyes rolled back as he angled himself to hit her g-spot again, and again.

 

“Gonna cum on your dick,” she whined.

 

“Oh fuck yeah,” Ben whispered, kissing her face, sloppy open mouthed kisses.

 

He felt her pussy tighten around him, felt the gush of cum as she cried out and squeezed her eyes shut.

 

“Fuck you're so pretty like that,” he said as she came back down, eyes fluttering, cheeks and chest tinged red.

 

“Where do you wanna cum?” she asked him.

 

Everywhere. Ben wanted to cum everywhere, he had no idea how to choose.

 

“Wanna cum on your tits,” he forced the words out and Rey nodded, clenching around him to help get him closer. It didn't take much.

 

Ben pulled out and jerked himself hard, rough and fast. His cock was an angry shade of red and his balls had drawn up tight already.

 

“Please cum on me I wanna feel it, wanna taste it, please--”

 

Her words undid him. Ben felt his whole body go tight, he was vaguely aware of crying out Rey’s name as he spent himself across her skin, milky cum catching on her nipple and her collarbone and the hollow of her throat.

 

“I love you so much,” he said, collapsing next to her. He turned on his side, breathless and sweaty.

 

Rey let her hand come down to trail through the cum on her chest. Ben watched her as she played with it, entranced. Some primal part of his brain wanted to scoop it up and push it inside of her.

 

She brought her fingers to her lips and licked it off. Ben's dick gave an interested little jerk and he applauded its enthusiasm, even though he couldn't get hard again quite yet.

 

“I love the way you taste,” Rey breathed.

 

Ben rolled into her and pressed his face into her neck, sucking the salt from her skin.

 

“Come shower with me,” he said, tugging Rey out of bed.

 

Ben took his time cleaning Rey up, using his fingers to lather her in soap, washing her hair, cleaning between her legs.

 

Rey washed Ben’s hair, taking her time to run her fingers through it, trailing her fingers along his scalp. She rubbed the back of his shoulders and neck, working out the knots there.

 

Rey leaned down and licked water from the dip of his collarbone.

 

“I love touching you,” she said reverently. “You have no idea, Ben, I _love_ touching you so much.”

 

Ben dipped his head to kiss her just as the water started to go cold.

 

They put on pajamas.

 

“Do you want tea?” Ben asked.

 

“Yes please,” Rey said, following ben into the main space where he made a beeline for the stove.

 

Rey went to the sound system and put on a song, he recognized it right away.

 

“This is--” he started.

 

“The Book of Love, the first song we danced to.”

 

The memory hits Ben all at once, her warmth, the look on her face when the song had come on, the nervous way she asked him to dance with her, how much he didn't want to and also did want to.

 

Now all he did was want, want, want.

 

Ben turned the stove off and stalked toward Rey.

 

He slowly wrapped his arms around her, leading her out of the kitchen and into the wide living space of their apartment, and they danced.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have feelings! I can't believe this story is over, but also I am relieved. I hope I did these kids justice. I am so, so grateful for all of you. Your kudos and your comments and your messages and your art work have blown me away. My absolute favorite part of this writing this was hearing all of your own stories about your own experience with atypical loved ones, or as atypical folks yourselves. It has meant the world to me to be able to connect with you all in this way. Thank you, endless love. My inbox is always open, come talk to me on tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> As always all fics are written on my phone so formatting/typing might be off in a few places but hopefully the characterization stays 100%. Thanks for reading! This fandom is the best.
> 
> Also pls follow me on tumblr @r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h I always wanna talk about start wars and bounce ideas off of ppl I am super friendly!!!
> 
> I am also now on Twitter @violethoure666
> 
>  
> 
> @black_lodge has turned one of my stories into a comic and I am living please check it out!
> 
> http://rad-braybury.tumblr.com/post/173146422632/click-to-embiggen-okay-so-ive-been-working-on
> 
> Also here is the link for the story playlist:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTxrXqtPk1To3n3ulgSZPDUCCYNk7hS_2


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